Let the wrong begin

Tonight I went out with part of my New Paltz group to go Contra dancing. At least I think that is what it is called. It is like if Swing dancing and Square dancing had a strange energetic bastard love child. It was fun. There was also the strange moment when I realized, to borrow a phrase, that I was the lone drop of black ink in a sea of milk. Yeah welcome to crazy hippy Mormon white folks dancing. I did get bored half way through because while I had fun it isn't the type of dancing I prefer. So I wandered off to sit outside and enjoy the night air while others kept dancing. Than I got bored with that and wandered in and started waltzing with a friend. All in all we had a fucking blast. The dancing folks are trying to get together people in New Paltz to help start dancing there to which I may be pestered into helping with. There is a meeting at noon tomorrow which I may be dragged too. I like helping organize things but noon is so frigging early for me. Now we just need to find a club in the NP area that we can go dance properly at. Swinging around and about is lots of fun and all but I want my hard industrial techno goth gay goodness.

One of the five of us who went out was this new kid named John who I think Owen dragged into our strange group. He is a nice kid and kinda cute. He is another theater major and a real sweetheart. Some of the curliest hair I've ever seen on anyone. He tried to teach me how to waltz which was hilarious. No feet were harmed during the course of our dance so all was well. I'm more used to leading than following so it was really strange but fun.

The only very small weird spot was when the troubles of February past came up in conversation quite randomly. It is a little weird being told what happened by someone who by all rights should even know there was something that went down. Fairly accurate rumors as well. I'm a little curious now about it and I'm going to pin Owen down to find out who he was talking to. Haha pin Owen down, ahh pleasant thoughts. Anyhow that was a little weird, okay more than a little.

Speaking of people talking about me, the idea of which is always strange to me. I mean, why would someone talk about me. I'm crazy and everyone apparently feels I'm likely to be carted away by the police for indecent exposure but otherwise I'm pretty boring. The NP folks described me to John and wonderful and terrifying all at once. LOL What a kick ass way to be described to someone-- wonderful and terrifying. I'm not sure if I should be bothered by this or rather pleased.

On my way home I realized that I went out without Sean for once. I mean we aren't like sutured together at the hip or anything but I met all these people through him and it hadn't hit me yet that these are my friends now too even without Sean. It was a nice thing to realize.

I should go to bed and get some sleep now. I'm tired and Mika has pinned me down with her monstrous six pounds of sleep inducing kittyness. I checked on Nala before laying down and she was looking good. Another busy day tomorrow I suspect. Was gonna write tonight but will have to make it up in the morning.

*yawns* Night LJ.

You ever get annoyed at someone or someones and realize that it is just fucking pointless to be upset. That no matter what you do or say or what they do or say you are going to be annoyed and pissed off because your feelings are hurt and fixing that is impossible.

There are serious reasons I hate people.

You know the one problem with having movie tastes so severely different from all of your housemates is that you generally get out voted for things and the main movie ends up being one you either really don't like/hate or just get sick of watching. Not a big deal really, just sort of a general eh kind of thing. I have noticed that since moving here and the majority liking more gentle types of movies (comedy, drama, etc) that my interest in watching things with explosions and gore has increased. I guess I just get enough of the other and not enough of the hardcore that it leads to a movie deficiency lol. That and anime/b-movies since I think I'm the only one who likes them at all. I have a TV in my room though so it isn't a big deal. I was just thinking about it because today's movie choice is one I don't like at all. Gryph and Jeff never get to watch their war movies and westerns that much either. We need more movies which is rather funny to say since we have thousands. It also seems we see alot of the same ones over and over again which happens when you have favorites. This drives me crazy. Then again if I see a movie three times a year it seems too much to me, let alone every month or every other month.

Anyhow so the meds worked really well for the morning and then around two it was back to find a soft spot because you are going down. So I slept from a large portion of the early evening. I had plans too, very sucky. Hopefully the time between meds and crashing will go down. Since this is only the second med day we have barely scratched the surface.

Hmm think I'm gonna go watch some anime or play a video game. I haven't been playing many vid games lately. Just too many memories associated with them I don't want. Maybe I'll play some Final Fantasy Tactics and wonder how Hare's life is going. If he ever married Steffie and sprogged or if his crazy was too hardcore for that. He wasn't my first love by any stretch of the imagination but I would say he was my first serious relationship. I always kind of wonder about him at random times. Usually only certain things remind me of him. I wonder if he thinks the same sort of things? Probably. I suspect such thoughts are common enough. I'm not that special. Last I heard (a few years back) he was still in Florida with Steffie and they were going to be married but that he was still a bit crazy and abusive. My urge to track him down is almost nil. Mostly it is just a vague curiosity as to what has happened to him. We were in love at one point and I thought we were going to spend our lives together. It lends one to being curious. Alright enough chatter from me.

EDIT: I just realized that I am now the exact same age Hare was when we first met. LOL How odd to think of how much time has wandered by. Hmmm I must say my life is in a better place then his was when we met. Which is very good. That and the idea of dating a 17 year old doesn't appeal in the slightest.

I have changed my mind partly about the man-hatred thing. I hate one or three men and that is enough.

On a better note class was boring but I then went and hung out with Sean, Matt P., and their across the hall neighbor Ryan. It was a blast. There was one some dark spot on all of this but I mostly ignored him and was ignored in turn. Yay. :(

Anyhow the new kid is wicked cute and funny as hell. Sean, Ryan and I then walked around campus a bit and talked gaming and other way fun things. It was super nice. I now have a new game I must try out now. That's all I need another vid game addiction. I invited the two of them over at some point for cooking lessons and to watch some kick ass cooking shows. I now must play some more pokemon here real soon. *chuckles* I love geeking about games and shtuff.

Squee so yay good afternoon. I have fed my sourdough starter babies and soon they will be ready for consumption bwhahaha. Mmmm consuming your pets teehee


Squeeeeeeeeeeee! I need this shirt!!!!! Someone love me enough to buy me this shirt! OMG LURVE!!!@!!!!!


OMG PWNIES

Kibble is visiting which is all sorts of great. I wish we could visit more often. I so miss the furbutt. Anyhow I introduced him to Chocolate Cake Shots. We watched some TV and have mostly been hanging out in the same room each on a computer. Sad but true.

We were talking about stuff that has been happening recently and he said something terribly insightful in regards to me. He said "You aren't very good at hating people like that. You tend to hold on to people who kick you in the face." Funny how true that is and always has been. Kibble is one of the few people I can talk with about emotions and stuff who either doesn't leave me feeling worse or leave me annoyed at them being unable to understand me. He always seems to get to what is bothering me and help me lay it out proper like.

Anyhow I'm tired but knowing me I'll just end up staring at the ceiling for a while so I'm not too hyped to head to bed yet. We are helping Furball and Carla move tomorrow. Large amounts of driving and hauling of stuff is in my future.

I'm so tired today. I was going to go to the movies but I'm just exhausted and I can't seem to get unexhausted. *sighs* Probably the hormones being all weird. Oh well. Insomnia loves me.

And since I'm tired I've become a hypochondriac. Here is my conversation with Kibble.

Me: I think I'm getting fatter.
Kibs: You just said you think you are retaining water.
Me: Yes getting fatter. Do you think I'm getting fatter?
Kibs: That's not the same thing dear.
Me: You didn't answer the question.
Kibs: No dear. I don't think you are getting fatter (smart man)
Me: How do you know?
Kibs: I look at you more then you look at you.
Me: Well my boobs are getting bigger.
Kibs: Thank God for that.

A few minutes later....

Me: I think I have terminal insomnia.
Kibs: You do not have terminal insomnia.
Me: It's a real disease, look it up. They say only like six families have it and they are all Italian. I'm Italian. I could be a descendant of one of those six families.
Kibs: I think you just need more dick in your life.
Me: Yes that's true.
Kibs: That's means you don't have terminal insomnia.
Me: I'm not sure I agree with that statement.
Kibs: Yes dear.

Teehee what other fun things can we talk about.

To die and part is a less evil; but to part and live, there, there is the torment. ~George Lansdowne

How do you say goodbye to someone? What special things do you need to say and what can you leave go? Goodbyes are the hardest thing in the world. To condense down all that feeling into a few simple words seems so impossible. There are times when you must do it, there is no other choice; but what do you say?

"I miss you. I'll always miss you." Are these good things? How do you write a goodbye? I think you put everything you are and ever have been on the page in as few words as possible. You lay it all out and you give everything because goodbyes can be forever. This is the last thing they will have of you. Goodbyes aren't always bad. I guess I like closure in my life a lot. Or maybe I just always have something more to say later. I just need to say goodbye that one last time because sometimes that's all there is left to do.

So I wrote my goodbye and now I'm sending it. I'm gonna miss people. I'm gonna miss um a lot but sometimes goodbye is okay. Not happy but okay.

Funny how the world boils down to okay. You wake up as a child and you think the world will be happy and ecstatic but it isn't. Happiness is a split second of wonderful and an hours of work.

LOL this isn't an emo post though I can see where it rather reads like one. I'm really okay right now. I'm sad but not broken just a bit sad. It is okay to be sad. So many people want to cover up when they are sad. We are a culture built upon the idea that you must be happy and if you aren't happy something is wrong and here is a little pill to fix it. Now I take some of those pills but they make the chemicals in my brain normal. I'm not happy all the time. I can be sad and hurt and depressed but to a normal level and that is okay. Right now I'm .... I'm good. I take pains to move my life forward over every bump and hurtle. I fall down and scrap my knees and as long as I pick myself up and keep going I count that as a win. I'm not going to end in first place but I don't care.

So yeah I'm okay. I'm sad and I'm really missing people in my life who have gone away or who are going away. Funny how many people come and go in you life over a period of time. I'm only 26 and there are so many holes where people used to be. I never stop missing them but it fades to the back of my head. I don't think you should stop missing people. If you are important to me you'll always be important to me and I'll always miss you even if you aren't around and can't be around.

So *raises glass* here's to the people I miss. Everyone who is gone from me, everyone I don't see much, everyone I see all the time but wish I could see more, everyone I've ever loved just a little bit. I hope your lives are good and happy because that's what we strive for everyday and that's what you should live for.

Oh look it is 2:30 and I'm just getting up. Thank you WoW for keeping me up later then I intended. I actually woke up much earlier for a while and just stayed in bed listening to the horrendously loud sounds of my children playing and romping through the house. I really quite missed them all. They were playing some game based on the chaotic deck I think.

Oh well, I had gotten less then 15 hours sleep for the past four days so it was good to crash for a while.

I feel rather odd right now. I wish my life was different in some ways. No, that's not true. I wish I didn't have to make some choices I know I needed to make. I want a fairy tale that doesn't exist; everyone wants that and making those horrible choices is part of being an adult. Making sure I stay sane as possible and working towards being a better person is important. That means sometimes I'm not happy with what I have to choose but I do it anyway. I wish knowing this made it easier like you get some magical instant grown up card that lets you rip out your guts and not feel it when you turn 18 but you don't get anything that wicked. When you are young it looks easy to be a grown-up. You see your parents making hard choices but you don't really see it. I watched my mother do things that amaze me as an adult today but as a child I was too self-centered to really see beyond what I wanted. You look at your parents and can't wait to be them. You can't wait to drive and drink and be free to do what ever you want but you aren't free and somehow that seems like the cruelest joke.

I miss my Clan. I mourn the choices I had to make to keep me sane. I know I am better off now then I would be had I stayed and let things continue to deteriorate but I still miss them. It was a family unlike the one I had now and it hurts still that they are gone. Not all of them are lost to me but if you have five brothers and two you no longer talk to do the remaining three make everything alright? Of course not but that is how it has to be at times. I miss my father. I wonder about him at times. Should I go find him? Should I let him die without ever talking to him again? What if I find him now and he destroys all the good memories I have of him as a child. How do I want to remember my father? As the man who taught me to fish, to defend myself, and to laugh at everything or the druggy I'm told he has become? I'm not sure and I know that clock is running out. I'm not even sure how to find him anymore.

Finally, I mourn the present choice I am making. It is one I do not make lightly and hate the doing of but I feel I must. I can't do what I did with Roger again. I can't have another year and a half of not knowing where I stand with a friend I'm close to, I'm just not strong enough anymore. I wish I wasn't this weak but it is no ones fault this time. The deeper I let you in the more solid I need the ground I stand on to be. I'm not good at sharing what I really feel. I'm not good at feeling things at all really. At times I've described myself as I functional sociopath and I mean it. Some behaviors I've just plain had to learn by rote, by watching people around me interact and mimicking them. It sounds like what everyone does but it isn't quite like that. Maybe my present choice reflects that most of all. I care about his feelings. I really do. I understand he needs time to deal with things and that him not wanting to talk is reasonable. Neither one of us did anything wrong to one another, though maybe I am, at present, doing something horrible. But the not knowing makes me insane. The not talking drives me crazy. All of it eats my attention and destroys my concentration. If I was a teenager and the worst I had to worry about was getting up and going to high school maybe I could do it but I doubt it. It tore me up then too but I just... well that's a different topic.

I don't want to be an adult. I want to scream and cry and throw a tantrum the likes of which Gwennie can barely imagine. I want to yell and cry and hit him and talk to him and shake the world to dust but I'm not going to. I'm going to be an adult and stay the present course. He needs time to deal with the changes in his life and I can't give it to him, not and have him as a part of my life. I wish I was stronger because he isn't asking much ad he deserves that time. I wish I wasn't so broken. But I'm none of those things and all I can do is try and be as sane, as healthy, as I can be for my family and for myself. That means saying goodbye to a friend I care about. Not because he is horrible or asking for something unimaginable but because I just can't deal with so much uncertainty.

I guess I'll go run my errands for the day. I should probably eat something since I didn't bother to yesterday.

Ugh my head feels so fucked. I had more weird dreams while sleeping in the car through lunch (who needs food?). Shanti was in one. I hope she is doing alright. I don't have class until 5 because of the middle of the day class being canceled. Couldn't be at the end or beginning? Nope, it had to be my mid-day class.

So I'm online for a bit then I'm going to go get some coffee. I'd do both at the same time but you can't have coffee in the computer lab.

Ugh my head feels horrible. Maybe I should have gotten lunch or breakfast after all? Naw fuck that whole eating nonsense. Coffee will fix all.

My last class is math and the weather is beginning to get fairly craptastic. Oh joy. I believe I'm going food shopping tonight and I have a birthday cake I'm completing tomorrow for a friend of mine. Was supposed to do it today but i don't think transporting a cake in this weather is going to be on my to do list.

Huh aim, I don't think relief should make you want to go throw up. Haha stomach I haven't given you anything! There's nothing to throw up you suck! Ooo headache.

Offline time.

Oh Mercury is in retrograde. How the fuck could I have guessed that.

I hate the world at times.

I take it all back. I remember how to say I'm Sorry and it takes like ashes in my mouth.

I'm going to get this post out because I'm in better control than this.

Today went fairly well. I missed my first period class by sleeping through my alarm. I'm buying two new ones this week. Three should wake me. Then I met up with Wyatt, Jesse, Jay, and Ethan and watched the guys lay Halo 3. The other besides Wyatt had to leave and then Shanti showed up and there was much Rock Bandness. Then we gamed. Game was mostly fun. The reason I say mostly is what brought up the topic at hand. Anger. Specifically my own. One of my friends said something which pissed me off, nothing huge and we have since resolved matters but this all got me to thinking.

How do you react to anger? Now I feel there are many different types of anger and each will get a different reaction out of me based on a few factors. Namely if the person was trying to piss me off, how much I like the person, whether or not this is a habit of theirs, and whether I feel I'm over-reacting. Generally if you piss me off I go quiet. Actually going quiet for me just means I have some strong reaction that I'm trying to figure out. That or sometimes if I'm tired but mostly the latter. It is my opinion that if I cannot control myself and my anger then I should not be handling the situation at present. This only holds true for anger caused by my friends and not always then. If you push me too far I will go off on you and it isn't exactly a pretty sight. Now this quiet isn't the passive-aggressive sort (which I fucking hate) at least I don't feel it is. I'm not doing this in some childish act of "I'm not talking to you lalalalala". I usually go quiet when I fear for my control and I don't feel blowing up at the person is warranted. If possible and depending on how badly you've managed to piss me off I will remove myself from the situation entirely. I will go somewhere and cool off. Hopefully I'll go find someone to make me laugh. If you can get me truly laughing and amused I'll seldom stay angry all that long. Later on, when I've gotten myself controlled and figured out why you angered me, I will come back either completely recovered having let the incident go or ready to have a conversation with you about what happened. I don't believe in holding things in and letting things pile up. If you are my friend then you probably want my life to be happy just like I want yours to be happy so you will probably want to talk things over. If you don't know what you did there isn't any way you or I can fix the situation so I believe in full disclosure. I might believe in mind readers but I don't expect my friends to be them.

It takes a lot to truly get me going though, at least I think it does. I try to be fairly laid back about the world. Shit happens and sometimes people piss you off. Hell if you are my friend I expect you to piss me off and for me to do the same to you. Relationships aren't about everything being perfect all the time for me. I expect some fireworks and enjoy them. I like people with backbones and strong opinions. No, I don't want you snapping at me all the time but it happens so don't worry about it. And yes I'm speaking to the individual I had a disagreement with earlier in the evening though this entire post is not aimed at them, this evening just happened to spark the thought. (You are such a prat too bad I love you anyways *snugs* ^_~)

Those are some my feelings on anger. I think it is a healthy emotion though like all things to be had only in moderation. I know I act angry frequently. Usually I'm just annoyed at the world or even more often faking it because it is an easy default for me to fall back on. You can only live angry for so many years before it becomes an easy place to fall back onto. That and I'm an arrogant bastard who thinks poorly of much of the world. Okay also a lie but yeah.


What does all of this have to do with regret? A great deal actually. A long time ago I read some article in a chick mag about how women are trained to say "I'm sorry" all the time and take the blame for things. This got me to thinking about myself and my life and lead me to one of my fundamental moral beliefs- I don't believe in regrets. I think that you should live life to the fullest and be happy with who and what you are. A life full of regrets is a life wasted. I may not be happy with every road I've taken but I stand by any and every decision I've made. Not because I'm a god (which I am but that is besides the point) but because I like the person I have become.

I don't know, maybe if I liked my life less I would believe in regrets but I just don't see what they gain you. So you fucked up, learn and move on. My life hasn't been some magical bed of roses, hell I doubt anyone's life has been but it was my life. I made my choices and I happened to be stupid lucky enough to end up here with my magnificent family surrounded by loving friends. But they were all my choices to make. If I look back on my life there are other roads I could have taken. Roads maybe easier that lead me somewhere else. Do i think I'm perfect? Hell no, but I don't think that regretting my life gets me anywhere better.

This leads me to the phrase "I'm Sorry". I don't use it very often which sounds really fucking horrible I know. It isn't that I'm perfect or that I don't think there is a place for it in this world. It is more that I try to live my life as honest as possible. This generally equals the fact that I'm just not going to say I'm sorry if I'm not. Since I don't really do the whole regret thing, which seems intrinsically part of being sorry, I seldom find a place where being sorry fits. I also think the phrase is so over used as to have no meaning anymore. It would be nice if there was another phrase like it for times when you feel someone's pain as your own but that doesn't sound as stupid as that. Like their dog died. I hate saying I'm sorry. I didn't kill the fucking dog. Unless I did and it was an accident then yes I would say I'm sorry. Sorry for accidents is fine. Sorry for being a purposeful dickhead is not fine. You did it on purpose own up to it. (And no I'm NOT speaking about the incident from earlier this evening stop being so paranoid you prat)

I guess this all boils down to owning up to your life. You fuck up guess what, sorry won't fix it. Clean up your mess and move on. Don't regret your life out of existence. Sometimes things suck, you grow, you change, and then you keep going. You get angry and lose control you fix your shit. I deal with this by not losing my head. I wish more people did. Maybe I could handle things better. Maybe I get angry when I shouldn't but I'm human and there isn't much I can do besides try and do better. I try and that is more then many people do. I may not succeed but when I'm old and making crude bukakke jokes out on my porch with Kae I'll know I did the best I could with my life. Fuck regrets, who needs um.

LOL this post has turned out completely opposite of where it was when I was composing it in the car. The anger part was supposed to be like two line and the regret part much longer. Oh well I think I got the gist of what I wanted down.

Sometimes the best things in the world are friends. They can make you or break you. Pick you up when you lose it and hit you in the head when you need it. They make the world work and not be so fucking scary. There are days when all you need is someone to talk to, to cry on and those are the days you find them waiting for you even if you haven't seen them in so so long. They'll push you down the hard roads because that's where you need to go. They'll tell you it is okay to lose it and be broken but not okay to give up. They'll make you laugh while you cry and cry while you laugh. But all of it is good and all of it means more then the world at times.

So to two of my very oldest and bestest friends: Thank you. I love you.

Last night I invited over a bunch of my school friends to play DnD Shots; we had a blast. I would recount the game but ahem I don't really exactly remember it all. We all got a little smashed though Matt P. ended up soberish towards the end (very sad). Then we all all crashed by 5 or so in the morning. I woke up at 9:15 because I'm fairly certain my body hates me at times and enjoys torturing me with no sleep and then too much at weird times. During the party I made cinnamon buns (yay drunken baking! go me) so we had those baked fresh along with some amazing thing K makes. Life was good. Then I gave everyone the house/property tour which resulted in many ooos and ahhhs; it was the wonderful being able to show off my family, I seldom get to do so. They left and I allowed myself to be climbed on for 2 hours by heavy children. I'm now very sore but the kids are damned cute so eh.

*yawns* I took a nap after dinner and now I suppose I will go and work on school work or something productive. Yay! I know I shouldn't say this (tempting fate and all) but I'm happy to have had such a good end to such a terrible week. It was just plain nice having people over and getting drunk and joking around. Plus I adored being able to play GM. Especially towards the end when the game just became a big joke and I got to make up some really interesting and gruesome deaths. Also my family really liked my friends which is always a lovely feeling. Matt P. is fascinated by with Matt (nounsandverbs) does for a living because Matt P. is going into communications as well so he is all hyped and I am to give his information over to Matt for maybe jobidge and internidge or what ever. LOL It is all very cute. After they all left K, Katie, and I talked like giggling girls which was hilarious. LOL I love living with other women like me at times, it can be hmmm giggly. Plus you know both my female housemates rock the socks. They kick ass and take names.

It is official. I am definitely and Old Maid.

My friend from Cape Cod just had a baby 2 weeks ago (I found out today. We're pretty crap at communication lol) Oh and now I have just found out my other best friend from Cape Cod has recently had a pair of twin girls. I'm going to go sob in a corner now.

And on a weirder note my other friend from MI, who I was randomly talking about with Matt yesterday, just tagged me on myspace.com and we're now talking. Wow busy week!

Now I need to go clean my room up because my mom and step-father are in town visiting.

*mind boggles*

So talking with people and here are my thoughts:

You know how you think something doesn't hurt anymore. Then you have to describe it to someone or remember it and it hurts all over again. I hate that. I hate it a lot.

All great leaders are only as good as the people they surround themselves with. If you want to see how healthy they are, or how they are doing look at their closest friends and you'll see. Or better yet look at how they treat them, and you'll see even clearer.

I use my memory like a band-aid to a little child. Cover it up, forget about it, and it is all better. But it isn't all better and it never will be.

It can suck just as much that you were right as that you were wrong.

I'm not as nice a person as I play on TV. But I am nice enough to not say the things I'm thinking.

If everyone around you tells you that you are being a prick, look again it might be true.

Sometimes when you think you are really good at something you aren't. Don't lie just because you can. People aren't stupid and you are never as good at it as you think you are and if you think I'm talking about you, I probably am.

You can't save people if they don't want to be saved.

And of course the ubiquitous BOOBIES, because if I'm not amusing you or threatening to hurt someone, obviously you aren't interested in knowing me. But even one-trick ponies get tired.



Also, I would just like to say OW and FUCK, as I just caught my nipple on the door as I opened it to go it. Something about nipple rings makes you hit yourself in the nipple with doors.