I should be at a party right now. I promised I would go and bring something with me but I'm not there because I can't stomach the idea of watching Wyatt turn away from me to look elsewhere.

It shouldn't be this way. That shouldn't effect my decision to go or stay at a party but it still does. I shouldn't still be wrapped up in a friend who doesn't want to even look at me. I shouldn't but I am. If I can avoid being near him or even the chance of being near him for another week or so it won't be an issue until the fall and maybe I'll have stopped caring by then. You never know.

I was at another party he also attended a few days ago. It was at a bar and I had my game face on. I was being charming and cute which is what I do at parties and gatherings. I can make almost anyone like me if I try. They may not stay that way but people generally like having me around. I'm good at being fun to be around. It is a talent like being good at baking or swearing, just something you learn how to do to survive. So I'm at this party and I go to the bar to order Chocolate Cake Shots because I've convinced everyone to try them and soon I am literally surrounded by the rest of the party and getting them to laugh and order shots with me and Wyatt is right there but not laughing and he won't order shots. When I come up to where you order I have to be near him and as i walk up there is the normal skittering glances. I can always see when he looks my way because I'm usually watching without looking his way. I'm stealthy like that. He is nursing a beer and talking with Jess. We get the shots and there are jokes and things and he turns around away from it all-- away from me. Me, who like a moron, is standing right there next to him because I was being stupid and polite or something. Who knows what I was thinking but it was stupid because that is what stuck with me. After the excuses and the leaving the turning away is what stuck with me. A whole party, new people, lots of attention and that's what sticks. Who even knows what or why he turned away. I'm probably being egotistical and paranoid that it had anything to do with me but that's what it felt like.

So today I stayed home because even if that isn't what it was I don't want to deal with that happening again today. I don't want to see his skittering glances again and again and then watch him walk away or turn the other way. I don't want to see him around campus and know that even if I'm in the same room with the same group he won't greet me. I've got to write this all out and get it out of my head though. I stopped syndication to my Facebook because everyone on there knows both of us and I don't really want to share this over there. Maybe if I write it out more often it will get out of my head. None of this should matter at this point but it still does because I'm stupid. Kibble is right. I always hold onto the people that kick me in the face the hardest and I'm trying to stop.

*sigh* I guess that's all for now. I'm actually a bit tired. I was up stupid early today. I'm still getting used to the meds and the timing of them. Maybe I'll take a quick nap before dinner. Bye LJ.
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