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Yes, I'm still awake. Yes, this means you get to read more insomnia induced ramblings. I'm sure you are all waiting with bated breath.
I've been thinking about loss and family frequently as of late. I've mentioned it enough here that I'm sure you've all noticed with even a cursory glance at this journal how much it has been on my mind. Ten Clan has been a large part of that reflection.
Quick background for those who are new to me and my journal (*waves*). Ten Clan refers to a particular set of cousins on my father's side of the family. I had a falling out with our clan head. No, this was not a cult. It was called a clan in much the way you might refer to a Japanese clan or a Scottish clan. Ten is a Japanese word for "the heavens above". Yes, I have some Japanese in my blood on my father's side.
Anyhow, I have been thinking about them a lot lately. I wonder if things hadn't gone all pear-shaped with Kinjou what they would think of my present family. I see the two families as something completely different really. The family I have now is more like a marriage. I live with people I'm not related to by blood, we don't plan on ever separating, and we are raising our children together as siblings. What more is a marriage if not that? Sure there is usually sex involved within a marriage and I'm not banging anyone here but if sex is necessary in a relationship for you to consider it valid, you aren't someone I want to talk to anyhow. That's how I explained my living situation to my conservative doctor mother and step-father. They are fairly accepting of it all but as usual worry about me being hurt. They worry about that all the time and it is hard for them to really grasp things since they are so very far away. I was so glad that they got to come out and finally meet my family last year. It was terribly nice to show off my housemates and my sprog to my mother. I talk to my mom about how things are here all the time. She always asks how people are and wants to be kept up-to-date on things. I wish she could visit more. It is nice to know that she likes everyone here and even if she doesn't necessarily understand fully what I'm doing that she supports my choice in life. She always asks questions about things and tries so hard to understand. I think she'll get there someday. She asked me recently what would I do if I was dating some boy and we decided to get married but he didn't want to stay here. I told her that obviously he wasn't the man for me and I'd have to let him go. She worries about things like this and I can't blame her but she has never judged me harshly. LOL I started this to ramble about Ten Clan and I start thinking about my mom. I should call her soon. I wonder if she would be a good person to point at the relatives who are worried about things here. She lives far away and has similar worries. Maybe together they could talk things out and see that everyone is worried about the same things and maybe it would help?
But back to Ten Clan. I would never have moved down here if Kinjou and I had not had irreconcilable differences. I would probably still be upstate with my family and things would be much the same as they were the entire time I lived upstate. It doesn't really make sense for me to wonder what they would have thought because it would have never come up. I suspect it would have been bad though. A large part of the reason we stopped talking to one another and I finally threw in the towel was me moving off on my own to do my own thing. I don't think he could really handle that or at least that was something I always felt. I remember I noticed the really big change when I went to move in with Ali and Cate. Things got so weird around the house warming and then it spiraled down from there. There were other problems as well. I felt he was a bit too emotionally abusive and manipulative and I think he was pissed and felt I was too distant. I'm not really sure actually what he felt. He wouldn't talk to me about it and I don't remember things very well from then. I have a strange survival mechanism with emotional trauma. It isn't at all conscious and I can't seem to control it but when I take a severe enough emotional hit I just forget huge chunks of time. Most of the period I spent upstate is gone. It is a bit freaky at times to stare at something or someone and know you should know who they are or where that item came from and you just don't remember. There is just a big blank.
It was Kinjou no longer speaking to me for over a year that finally made me give up and call it quits. That mixed with everything else I just couldn't take it anymore. The break was messy. I miss people who went one way while I went the other. Friends who sided with him, family who won't speak to me anymore. I still miss them all like something is broken inside of me. You move on but still it is like a shard of glass embedded in your body. You may not always feel it but move the wrong way and it cuts you all over again. I know in my heart that this is only temporary. Someday, not soon, maybe not even this lifetime, but someday I'll see my family again and things will be okay. I hold onto that thought when I think back on the few good times I can still remember from then. When a holiday rolls around that I remember being with them. I keep that hope close to me when I see a crow fly by and I remember Y's love for them and the stories we used to tell. We all of us used to love to research ancient legends and myths. How many times would we discuss a theory together sitting around in that cramped little house they had? Soon it will be warm here and we will barbecue outside just like I did with Ten Clan on that grill I found. How many times did I cook something special? How many birthday cakes did I make? How many dinners did I prepare? I stare at katana and armor online and remember H and K and training outside with J. I remember the twins lol all of the many sets of them and the late night talks with Kinjou and Arashi. Not all my memories are gone and I hold the ones I have left tight to my heart. When a festival rolls around I try to pass my knowledge onto my children and remember the others who should be there with me but aren't because sometimes that is just how things work out.
It seems funny really. There are people you feel so connected with that they seem to complete some part of you you may not have realized was only half complete. You think that because they complete you that things should automatically work out okay. You should be able to live with them and work with them because hey they are your family or friends or soulmate or soulfamily or you feel you knew them in a past life or hell they are just so close to you now you can't imagine life without them or what ever but it doesn't always work. Maybe it is your fault or maybe it is theirs or maybe (as I really believe) it is nobody's fault but the dice fate threw when she measured your threads. It sucks when you realize that this person/these people are not going to be with you for the rest of your life like you planned. It sucks even more if you have to act on that and do the breaking yourself. Sometimes that is all you can do. You tear yourself to pieces because to do otherwise is to give into something you cannot abide.
I'm a big believer in picking yourself up again once you have fallen. I have fallen many times in my past and I'm sure I will in my future. I believe you only really fail when you fall and don't get up again. Every time you hit the bottom it gets no easier to pick up and climb the hill again but do it you must. I worry about the family I have created here. If things go tits up and we all break up I can't even think of what I'll do. This is my family. These are the people who I have built my life around. Everyday I wake up in my home with my housemates laughing/talking and usually my children screaming about something. Everyday I wake up to that cacophony I smile because that's what a family is. No, we aren't normal or typical. Yes, we are amazingly weird and we don't hide it except for where we must but it is beautiful here. This place, these people, our numerous pets, the home we are building bookshelf by bookshelf is just so fucking beautiful I cannot understand how anyone could not see it. It makes me sad when people can't see how special we've made our lives. It makes me sad for them more then anything else. What must their life be like for them to scoff and gnash their teeth at wonder bordering on divine because it doesn't fit into what they consider a normal box. How uncomfortable and cold their lives must be. How many things do they miss because of it? I feel like crying for them, for their self-inflicted blindness not because I think they are horrible but because they will never see what I see and what I see is what has brought saints to tears.
I should stop rambling soon. I tend to go on and on when I talk about family. It is a topic close to my heart. My life has not been easy in regards to family and friends and keeping people. I have moved many times and lost many people and I'm sure I will lose others as I age but I have a family now I'm helping to build and protect. I can't think of anything more important I could do with my life then that. Maybe someday I'll cure cancer and I'll get all my awards and I'll put them up on a shelf, right next to the holiday ornament Jack made me last year and the picture Gwennie drew for me when I first moved in, next to the photo of Charlie and my snakes, which lives by the card Celia made me when I was sick, and the family photo we took last year in those much talked about black shirts because it is the only color we all own. I'll cure cancer or AIDS or something amazingly special but the most special thing will still be this family and by extension all my new relatives. Maybe they don't want me with my brash attitude and purple mohawk but I'm afraid they've got me. *chuckles* I wonder who got the better end of the deal ^_~
Night LJ, sleep well.
I've been thinking about loss and family frequently as of late. I've mentioned it enough here that I'm sure you've all noticed with even a cursory glance at this journal how much it has been on my mind. Ten Clan has been a large part of that reflection.
Quick background for those who are new to me and my journal (*waves*). Ten Clan refers to a particular set of cousins on my father's side of the family. I had a falling out with our clan head. No, this was not a cult. It was called a clan in much the way you might refer to a Japanese clan or a Scottish clan. Ten is a Japanese word for "the heavens above". Yes, I have some Japanese in my blood on my father's side.
Anyhow, I have been thinking about them a lot lately. I wonder if things hadn't gone all pear-shaped with Kinjou what they would think of my present family. I see the two families as something completely different really. The family I have now is more like a marriage. I live with people I'm not related to by blood, we don't plan on ever separating, and we are raising our children together as siblings. What more is a marriage if not that? Sure there is usually sex involved within a marriage and I'm not banging anyone here but if sex is necessary in a relationship for you to consider it valid, you aren't someone I want to talk to anyhow. That's how I explained my living situation to my conservative doctor mother and step-father. They are fairly accepting of it all but as usual worry about me being hurt. They worry about that all the time and it is hard for them to really grasp things since they are so very far away. I was so glad that they got to come out and finally meet my family last year. It was terribly nice to show off my housemates and my sprog to my mother. I talk to my mom about how things are here all the time. She always asks how people are and wants to be kept up-to-date on things. I wish she could visit more. It is nice to know that she likes everyone here and even if she doesn't necessarily understand fully what I'm doing that she supports my choice in life. She always asks questions about things and tries so hard to understand. I think she'll get there someday. She asked me recently what would I do if I was dating some boy and we decided to get married but he didn't want to stay here. I told her that obviously he wasn't the man for me and I'd have to let him go. She worries about things like this and I can't blame her but she has never judged me harshly. LOL I started this to ramble about Ten Clan and I start thinking about my mom. I should call her soon. I wonder if she would be a good person to point at the relatives who are worried about things here. She lives far away and has similar worries. Maybe together they could talk things out and see that everyone is worried about the same things and maybe it would help?
But back to Ten Clan. I would never have moved down here if Kinjou and I had not had irreconcilable differences. I would probably still be upstate with my family and things would be much the same as they were the entire time I lived upstate. It doesn't really make sense for me to wonder what they would have thought because it would have never come up. I suspect it would have been bad though. A large part of the reason we stopped talking to one another and I finally threw in the towel was me moving off on my own to do my own thing. I don't think he could really handle that or at least that was something I always felt. I remember I noticed the really big change when I went to move in with Ali and Cate. Things got so weird around the house warming and then it spiraled down from there. There were other problems as well. I felt he was a bit too emotionally abusive and manipulative and I think he was pissed and felt I was too distant. I'm not really sure actually what he felt. He wouldn't talk to me about it and I don't remember things very well from then. I have a strange survival mechanism with emotional trauma. It isn't at all conscious and I can't seem to control it but when I take a severe enough emotional hit I just forget huge chunks of time. Most of the period I spent upstate is gone. It is a bit freaky at times to stare at something or someone and know you should know who they are or where that item came from and you just don't remember. There is just a big blank.
It was Kinjou no longer speaking to me for over a year that finally made me give up and call it quits. That mixed with everything else I just couldn't take it anymore. The break was messy. I miss people who went one way while I went the other. Friends who sided with him, family who won't speak to me anymore. I still miss them all like something is broken inside of me. You move on but still it is like a shard of glass embedded in your body. You may not always feel it but move the wrong way and it cuts you all over again. I know in my heart that this is only temporary. Someday, not soon, maybe not even this lifetime, but someday I'll see my family again and things will be okay. I hold onto that thought when I think back on the few good times I can still remember from then. When a holiday rolls around that I remember being with them. I keep that hope close to me when I see a crow fly by and I remember Y's love for them and the stories we used to tell. We all of us used to love to research ancient legends and myths. How many times would we discuss a theory together sitting around in that cramped little house they had? Soon it will be warm here and we will barbecue outside just like I did with Ten Clan on that grill I found. How many times did I cook something special? How many birthday cakes did I make? How many dinners did I prepare? I stare at katana and armor online and remember H and K and training outside with J. I remember the twins lol all of the many sets of them and the late night talks with Kinjou and Arashi. Not all my memories are gone and I hold the ones I have left tight to my heart. When a festival rolls around I try to pass my knowledge onto my children and remember the others who should be there with me but aren't because sometimes that is just how things work out.
It seems funny really. There are people you feel so connected with that they seem to complete some part of you you may not have realized was only half complete. You think that because they complete you that things should automatically work out okay. You should be able to live with them and work with them because hey they are your family or friends or soulmate or soulfamily or you feel you knew them in a past life or hell they are just so close to you now you can't imagine life without them or what ever but it doesn't always work. Maybe it is your fault or maybe it is theirs or maybe (as I really believe) it is nobody's fault but the dice fate threw when she measured your threads. It sucks when you realize that this person/these people are not going to be with you for the rest of your life like you planned. It sucks even more if you have to act on that and do the breaking yourself. Sometimes that is all you can do. You tear yourself to pieces because to do otherwise is to give into something you cannot abide.
I'm a big believer in picking yourself up again once you have fallen. I have fallen many times in my past and I'm sure I will in my future. I believe you only really fail when you fall and don't get up again. Every time you hit the bottom it gets no easier to pick up and climb the hill again but do it you must. I worry about the family I have created here. If things go tits up and we all break up I can't even think of what I'll do. This is my family. These are the people who I have built my life around. Everyday I wake up in my home with my housemates laughing/talking and usually my children screaming about something. Everyday I wake up to that cacophony I smile because that's what a family is. No, we aren't normal or typical. Yes, we are amazingly weird and we don't hide it except for where we must but it is beautiful here. This place, these people, our numerous pets, the home we are building bookshelf by bookshelf is just so fucking beautiful I cannot understand how anyone could not see it. It makes me sad when people can't see how special we've made our lives. It makes me sad for them more then anything else. What must their life be like for them to scoff and gnash their teeth at wonder bordering on divine because it doesn't fit into what they consider a normal box. How uncomfortable and cold their lives must be. How many things do they miss because of it? I feel like crying for them, for their self-inflicted blindness not because I think they are horrible but because they will never see what I see and what I see is what has brought saints to tears.
I should stop rambling soon. I tend to go on and on when I talk about family. It is a topic close to my heart. My life has not been easy in regards to family and friends and keeping people. I have moved many times and lost many people and I'm sure I will lose others as I age but I have a family now I'm helping to build and protect. I can't think of anything more important I could do with my life then that. Maybe someday I'll cure cancer and I'll get all my awards and I'll put them up on a shelf, right next to the holiday ornament Jack made me last year and the picture Gwennie drew for me when I first moved in, next to the photo of Charlie and my snakes, which lives by the card Celia made me when I was sick, and the family photo we took last year in those much talked about black shirts because it is the only color we all own. I'll cure cancer or AIDS or something amazingly special but the most special thing will still be this family and by extension all my new relatives. Maybe they don't want me with my brash attitude and purple mohawk but I'm afraid they've got me. *chuckles* I wonder who got the better end of the deal ^_~
Night LJ, sleep well.
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