Oh look it is 2:30 and I'm just getting up. Thank you WoW for keeping me up later then I intended. I actually woke up much earlier for a while and just stayed in bed listening to the horrendously loud sounds of my children playing and romping through the house. I really quite missed them all. They were playing some game based on the chaotic deck I think.
Oh well, I had gotten less then 15 hours sleep for the past four days so it was good to crash for a while.
I feel rather odd right now. I wish my life was different in some ways. No, that's not true. I wish I didn't have to make some choices I know I needed to make. I want a fairy tale that doesn't exist; everyone wants that and making those horrible choices is part of being an adult. Making sure I stay sane as possible and working towards being a better person is important. That means sometimes I'm not happy with what I have to choose but I do it anyway. I wish knowing this made it easier like you get some magical instant grown up card that lets you rip out your guts and not feel it when you turn 18 but you don't get anything that wicked. When you are young it looks easy to be a grown-up. You see your parents making hard choices but you don't really see it. I watched my mother do things that amaze me as an adult today but as a child I was too self-centered to really see beyond what I wanted. You look at your parents and can't wait to be them. You can't wait to drive and drink and be free to do what ever you want but you aren't free and somehow that seems like the cruelest joke.
I miss my Clan. I mourn the choices I had to make to keep me sane. I know I am better off now then I would be had I stayed and let things continue to deteriorate but I still miss them. It was a family unlike the one I had now and it hurts still that they are gone. Not all of them are lost to me but if you have five brothers and two you no longer talk to do the remaining three make everything alright? Of course not but that is how it has to be at times. I miss my father. I wonder about him at times. Should I go find him? Should I let him die without ever talking to him again? What if I find him now and he destroys all the good memories I have of him as a child. How do I want to remember my father? As the man who taught me to fish, to defend myself, and to laugh at everything or the druggy I'm told he has become? I'm not sure and I know that clock is running out. I'm not even sure how to find him anymore.
Finally, I mourn the present choice I am making. It is one I do not make lightly and hate the doing of but I feel I must. I can't do what I did with Roger again. I can't have another year and a half of not knowing where I stand with a friend I'm close to, I'm just not strong enough anymore. I wish I wasn't this weak but it is no ones fault this time. The deeper I let you in the more solid I need the ground I stand on to be. I'm not good at sharing what I really feel. I'm not good at feeling things at all really. At times I've described myself as I functional sociopath and I mean it. Some behaviors I've just plain had to learn by rote, by watching people around me interact and mimicking them. It sounds like what everyone does but it isn't quite like that. Maybe my present choice reflects that most of all. I care about his feelings. I really do. I understand he needs time to deal with things and that him not wanting to talk is reasonable. Neither one of us did anything wrong to one another, though maybe I am, at present, doing something horrible. But the not knowing makes me insane. The not talking drives me crazy. All of it eats my attention and destroys my concentration. If I was a teenager and the worst I had to worry about was getting up and going to high school maybe I could do it but I doubt it. It tore me up then too but I just... well that's a different topic.
I don't want to be an adult. I want to scream and cry and throw a tantrum the likes of which Gwennie can barely imagine. I want to yell and cry and hit him and talk to him and shake the world to dust but I'm not going to. I'm going to be an adult and stay the present course. He needs time to deal with the changes in his life and I can't give it to him, not and have him as a part of my life. I wish I was stronger because he isn't asking much ad he deserves that time. I wish I wasn't so broken. But I'm none of those things and all I can do is try and be as sane, as healthy, as I can be for my family and for myself. That means saying goodbye to a friend I care about. Not because he is horrible or asking for something unimaginable but because I just can't deal with so much uncertainty.
I guess I'll go run my errands for the day. I should probably eat something since I didn't bother to yesterday.