Let the wrong begin

I had a really weird dream today. Paulina was in it which is probably the strangest part. I met up with her after work so she could get to the house. We took a weird route back so that she could remember how to get there. Unfortunately, this was the wrong route because I had forgotten we had moved and this was the old way home. We took it anyway and then wound up at a college (the wrong one) and kept making our way towards my home. At the college we ran across Roger and he and Pauline said hi while I waited to keep going. Then we kept going and eventually I woke up without getting us all the way home 'cause I need to be awake so Kae can go to the gym. So in the dream i woke up and Kae, Gryph (with teal hair go fig), and Cliffy were there. I was telling them about the dream I just had and we were talking about it. Gryph said something about how "Well Paulina is a Kheprian." and then something like "Also, she does most of her psychic work while she sleeps in dreams". As if me dreaming about her made perfect sense. I was explaining to them the weirdest thing about the dream was that it was Paulina and that we were having a great time. I mean it isn't that we hate each other or fight but it is Paulina. She is a major ball buster and we aren't like super friends or anything. But in the dream we had a really good time trying to find our way home. I remember she was making some joke about her time in the military. She said something like don't do it because it hurt. OKay I'm botching it but it was really funny. Of course the second weirdest part was waking up from the dream into another dream and discussing the previous dream exactly as I would had I been awake.

Anyhow wtf mate.

I keep dreaming about babies. Sometimes I'm pregnant, sometimes I'm helping someone else become pregnant. Every time I've slept since Saturday it has been the same thing. I'm so not knocked up or planning to be any time to soon so no worry there. Mostly it is just rather weird.

So I keep dreaming about lions. This is abnormal for me beyond all reason. Today's dream featured a lion chasing me around because it thought that I would protect it but I was scared because Hello big fucking lion. So I got cut the fuck up and bruised a lot. Funny thing when i woke up i felt like someone had beaten me with a hose. At one point my dog and another dog came to my defense and chase off the lion which just made it antsier and tried to get to me more. It was a giant cluster fuck. Mix in a party for someone and lots of trying to climb up on high things and it was horrible. Not really a nightmare in the strictest sense but freaky nonetheless. It did get taken away at the end which was sad. I kept looking around for it expecting it to come back but it never did.

Seriously, who ever has a connection to lions what do you want? I read all the stupid dream interpretation things but those are generally too damned broad to be of any real use. My only connections with lions are slim at best. Hell all i can think of as a recent connection is the frigging Prince Caspian movie. If God is trying to talk to me in my dreams I would really like for hir to be a little clearer. Besides that why would God be chasing me around in my dreams? Little weird that. Then again there is the Gryffindor reference but most of my Gryffs are speaking to me and doing okay. The one or two that aren't I have no control over. *shrugs*

So anyhow yeah enough with the lion dreams.

I just had a dream that I was up late at night and went out to find Wyatt to see if he wanted to hangout and if he was doing okay cause he had been hurt (previous part of the dream where he took some damage to the chest. The stitches were stupid realist and fairly disturbing). It took me a while because I was sick and having issues driving the car and could barely stay awake. I had forgotten to text him on AIM before leaving. Then I finally found his house saw a light on inside and was going to text message him to come out "You awake? How are you feeling?" when I suddenly remembered we weren't talking. I had the phone in my hand and it was just like... well anyhow nuff said. Then I drove off to find something to drink like orange juice cause I was thirsty, sick, emotionally fucked, and tired. While at the late night shopping area some strange man comes up to me to shop and starts talking to me about his theories on life (this happens to me in RL and now I guess in my dreams as well). It was almost like being hit on. The strange dance you do when you are being polite but you don't want them to ask you out because then you must say no. He was older. White with an odd whitish blue streak in his light brown hair on the right side. His name began with an A or something, like Andrew or Andy. He looked kinda like someone I know but don't know well. He was telling me about how he didn't respect a girl who said no when a guy asked her out. He had some sort of reason, something like if you didn't find the person repulsive you should say yes just to test the waters out or something. It was all strange. I kept backing away while trying to be polite and get my damned OJ and chocolate ice cream cookie. Then a dude who worked at the store came to restock the food and I realized I was dreaming and was really tired/upset. Then I woke up because I was sick of my dream. Thank you psyche for being so fucking subtle. Fuck off and die.

Oh and no more surgery shows for me for a while. Seeing realistic stitches in a friends chest and knowing why they were there was a bit much for me. Funny thing is I didn't watch any tonight. That was last night.

Alright no more sleep for a while. I'm going to go find something to drink and watch some crappy TV.

Well I'm sick. My New Years was both good and bad. I had the death cold but wanted to drag myself upstate to see friends as promised and rock in the New Year. Almost paid for it with my life when the coughing jags on the way home gave me some really severe vertigo. Always nice to be driving highway speeds and have your ability to see and react go. I've gotten almost none of the stuff done over my vacation that I wanted to. This cold has been hitting me hard.

I think I'm just kind of tired and I don't really want to deal with some of the shit I know I need to get around to dealing with. I want people to be grownups. I don't want to have to talk with people. I don't want to let other things go. I just want to sit here on LJ and whine and bitch and moan and have it all better. But it doesn't work like that. You deal with shit because you have to, because that is how life works. I have been especially lazy the past few days. Hopefully my ability to draw in a full breath will be back by tomorrow and I can stop laying around concentrating on the ol' "in, out, in, out" of breathing.

It is just all so aggravating. I am aggravated. And I want to curse and scream and cry and hit things. But none of that fixes things. None of that ever works. So you eventually give up and let it go. You wave goodbye to one dream and turn towards another, even if the old one was so sweet it burned. And that is what I do, and this is my fucking life and sometimes, very rarely now, I wonder what the hell is the fucking point. But whatever, I'm not the bad off. I'm just tired and sick and it is always better tomorrow. Or that's what I'm going to tell myself. And that's what I'm going to tell you. Because you don't know what I'm talking about, and I'm not going to tell you, because I'm a bitch. And I don't want to talk about it. Don't listen when the nebulous "they" tell you that talking always helps. They are wrong and they lie.

So for now I'm gonna go take some meds and some booze. For in the words of a Mr. Robert Frost:

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Yeah happened again, I woke up screaming. Two times in like a week and a half. Yeah I'm begining to get a little worried about it. *sighs* Jen was like "what the fuck was that?" "Nothing just woke up funny".

Cripes this week has been unfun.

Oh yeah forgot to mention a few days ago I got the dept heads approval to take the A&P class without the bio credit. What can I say other then I'm damned impresssive when I try. *smirks*

So last night I had a strange half dream. There was a silver fox in it. I know I was supposed to tell Duo about running across a silver kitsune. So Duo this is a heads up there's a silver kitsune looking for you. Funny thing is the damned thing was female or atleast in the dream they were. What that means elsewhere I'm uncertain. It was an odd partial dream. This is the second night in a row I've had odd sorts of vistor dreams. Night before last it was a strange older man with a british bent/accent. He felt like I should know him but I couldn't quite place him. *sighs* atleast I got back to sleep this time.