Let the wrong begin

Bad habits. Good habits. Habit habits. We all have habits. I have tons of them, some good, some bad but none get out of control. I was sitting here, debating whether I felt like getting up to indulge in one of my bad habits that I've been researching lately, when it hit me that I'm rather abnormal even in my bad habits. A few of the bad habits I have are kind of dangerous. They are the things that people go to shrinks for and get put on medications for and maybe I should worry about that but I don't. Not really anyway. I think about them and weight the use they have in my life and try very hard not to get addicted to them and I guess that is my one hard line. If you are addicted to something you no longer control your life, it controls you. People with addictions will destroy their lives and anyone else's life that is joined to theirs. I know this for a fact as my father is an alcoholic and I have heard he is now into harder drugs. I figure if I fuck my own body up that is my business but not if I drag other people down with me. I have habits, pastimes, hobbies but not addictions. I can't even tell you how I know the difference other then once you've seen an addiction you don't forget what it looks like or what it smells like. To be addicted is to be damned.

Why am I posting this? I haven't got a clue really. After wallowing in one of the worse depressions I've had in a good long time, maybe even years, I picked up one of my old habits to deal with it. I feel better now so it worked well enough. But I don't fit any of the profiles. Why is it I'm so fucked up that I can't even be fucked up like everyone else? I'm not sure I'm making any sense here. Hmmm need an example... okay like this. Generally if you cause damage to your body you hate yourself or something about you (that's what all the little psyche reviews say). I don't hate myself. I'm not perfect but neither is anyone else and I think I'm a damned cool person but I still like to damage myself. That can't be normal. Look at animals, generally if they are damaging themselves there is something significantly wrong with them. I like the pain though. I like the aches and the twinges later. I like the marks and the blood. I suppose it stems from the same part of my head that likes piercings, tattoos, and BDSM. Sensations are meant to be reveled in be they harsh or sexy. My profile says I'm a sybarite, I really wasn't kidding when I added that in there.

I'm not sure why I'm sharing these parts of my psyche other then I feel like sharing. I feel like baring parts of myself to the world in some strange ritualistic way but since I can't do that I'll write on LJ. Not much of a substitute but hey, use the tools you got. I'm not really religious enough to want to incorporate that into my life. Or maybe the religions I would do it with just aren't around anymore.

I wish sometimes that my world wouldn't shift quite so much and so drastically. Being someone who tends to bring chaos and change into peoples lives I shouldn't exactly be surprised by the changes or bothered by them. You'd think I'd get used to it but I never do. Oh god I'm starting to sound like one of those damned cryptic fucking kitsune. Someone shoot me now!

It is 7 in the morning and I have not slept all night. Damnit my day is fucked. Mika is asleep on my legs and is soon going to be kicked off. I need to get a job or a lover or maybe both. I'm spending far to much time thinking.

Good night... irr morning LJ ^_^

*giggles*

Anyhow so 2:30 in the morning and I'm awake. Which is funny since earlier I almost fell asleep leaning against the kitchen counter. *sighs* I have found that I must now get used to my bodies cues all over again. I actually felt the exact moment tonight when I went from sleepy to that funny lucid wakefulness that is usually followed by insomnia. It is gonna be a learning process but I think I'll get there. I'm actually tired right now but even if I stopped typing right this second and put my head back down it is unlikely I would fall asleep.

Today was actually a pretty good day. I miss the besterfolks. It is weird having such a huge chunk of us gone. On the very bright side it meant I got to spend lots of time with Kt today talking about this and that. This was very nice as honestly it is seldom Kt and I alone together just chatting. So it was very pleasant and we talked about the most random things. Then Jeff came home and joined the conversation which was nice. Jeff is another person I seldom sit down and talk with one on one or even two. We just have different schedules and things we do all day. So that was also incredibly nice and eye opening.

Kt and I (though mostly Kt) cleaned up the kitchen. LOL I only helped a bit there as I was off doing other things. I did cook most of dinner though so good trade. We are going to try and clean the carpet tomorrow night and maybe put the pallets out to fill the car port thingy. I'm going to spend part of Saturday and Sunday trying to finish getting the kids jungle gym together. It'll give me something else to do.

Job hunting is going the suck. Which is odd for me but it happens. Though I guess I haven't been searching all that long. It just feels long. More interviews tomorrow. *sigh*

I cleaned my room the other day. I was really psyched about it and I don't think anyone around the house really knew why. I mean room cleaning? Who cares? We make the kids do it all the time. But I guess for me it was just another sign that the antidepressants plus a change in other things is working. I have been trying to clean it for a while now and I just didn't have the energy. Not even so much physically. It is hard to really describe. Oh and thank you to all who gave me such lovely responses both on and off LJ to my Depression part one post. I know there are some of you I need to get back to. I will try. I'm finding more and more how many things I had let slide and sort of fall away and get ignored. Things are slowly improving so yay.

Anyhow since I'm awake I'm going to go take care of a few things online I have been meaning to. I need to get up at a reasonable time tomorrow to go to a job interview so blegh hopefully I will be tired soon. I need to rearrange my tags. God that will take forever. I think I'll put it off a little longer though. Other things to do bwhahaha!

So it is four, nearly five, in the morning and I, of course, cannot sleep for a variety of reasons. So instead I've decided to finally get around to writing some of the harder posts I've been tossing around in my head. Feel free to skip this one mostly I'm blathering on about my past, my life views, and my headspace. Nothing terribly interesting.