seorgia: (Emotion: Power)
( Dec. 20th, 2008 10:50 am)
There is something so wonderful about being proven right at times. Especially if all you had to go on was two away messages and a funny feeling in your gut. I must say I, in fact, do rock.
seorgia: (Silly: Painted Seo)
( Nov. 16th, 2008 02:04 am)
Tonight I went out with part of my New Paltz group to go Contra dancing. At least I think that is what it is called. It is like if Swing dancing and Square dancing had a strange energetic bastard love child. It was fun. There was also the strange moment when I realized, to borrow a phrase, that I was the lone drop of black ink in a sea of milk. Yeah welcome to crazy hippy Mormon white folks dancing. I did get bored half way through because while I had fun it isn't the type of dancing I prefer. So I wandered off to sit outside and enjoy the night air while others kept dancing. Than I got bored with that and wandered in and started waltzing with a friend. All in all we had a fucking blast. The dancing folks are trying to get together people in New Paltz to help start dancing there to which I may be pestered into helping with. There is a meeting at noon tomorrow which I may be dragged too. I like helping organize things but noon is so frigging early for me. Now we just need to find a club in the NP area that we can go dance properly at. Swinging around and about is lots of fun and all but I want my hard industrial techno goth gay goodness.

One of the five of us who went out was this new kid named John who I think Owen dragged into our strange group. He is a nice kid and kinda cute. He is another theater major and a real sweetheart. Some of the curliest hair I've ever seen on anyone. He tried to teach me how to waltz which was hilarious. No feet were harmed during the course of our dance so all was well. I'm more used to leading than following so it was really strange but fun.

The only very small weird spot was when the troubles of February past came up in conversation quite randomly. It is a little weird being told what happened by someone who by all rights should even know there was something that went down. Fairly accurate rumors as well. I'm a little curious now about it and I'm going to pin Owen down to find out who he was talking to. Haha pin Owen down, ahh pleasant thoughts. Anyhow that was a little weird, okay more than a little.

Speaking of people talking about me, the idea of which is always strange to me. I mean, why would someone talk about me. I'm crazy and everyone apparently feels I'm likely to be carted away by the police for indecent exposure but otherwise I'm pretty boring. The NP folks described me to John and wonderful and terrifying all at once. LOL What a kick ass way to be described to someone-- wonderful and terrifying. I'm not sure if I should be bothered by this or rather pleased.

On my way home I realized that I went out without Sean for once. I mean we aren't like sutured together at the hip or anything but I met all these people through him and it hadn't hit me yet that these are my friends now too even without Sean. It was a nice thing to realize.

I should go to bed and get some sleep now. I'm tired and Mika has pinned me down with her monstrous six pounds of sleep inducing kittyness. I checked on Nala before laying down and she was looking good. Another busy day tomorrow I suspect. Was gonna write tonight but will have to make it up in the morning.

*yawns* Night LJ.
Hey guys got a bit of a problem I need some help. Who is in the general Philly type area? I met some nice folks at the recent House Kheperu gather who just moved out to the Philly area. Basically I'm looking for a few friendly faces I can point them towards to help them get acclimated to the city. Anyone who wouldn't mind being a bit friendly to some really cool folks drop me a line.

Thanks guys ^_^

seorgia: (Silly: Gonna rape you)
( May. 17th, 2008 08:57 pm)
You ever get annoyed at someone or someones and realize that it is just fucking pointless to be upset. That no matter what you do or say or what they do or say you are going to be annoyed and pissed off because your feelings are hurt and fixing that is impossible.

There are serious reasons I hate people.
seorgia: (Emotion: Lost)
( May. 8th, 2008 05:04 pm)
I should be at a party right now. I promised I would go and bring something with me but I'm not there because I can't stomach the idea of watching Wyatt turn away from me to look elsewhere.

It shouldn't be this way. That shouldn't effect my decision to go or stay at a party but it still does. I shouldn't still be wrapped up in a friend who doesn't want to even look at me. I shouldn't but I am. If I can avoid being near him or even the chance of being near him for another week or so it won't be an issue until the fall and maybe I'll have stopped caring by then. You never know.

I was at another party he also attended a few days ago. It was at a bar and I had my game face on. I was being charming and cute which is what I do at parties and gatherings. I can make almost anyone like me if I try. They may not stay that way but people generally like having me around. I'm good at being fun to be around. It is a talent like being good at baking or swearing, just something you learn how to do to survive. So I'm at this party and I go to the bar to order Chocolate Cake Shots because I've convinced everyone to try them and soon I am literally surrounded by the rest of the party and getting them to laugh and order shots with me and Wyatt is right there but not laughing and he won't order shots. When I come up to where you order I have to be near him and as i walk up there is the normal skittering glances. I can always see when he looks my way because I'm usually watching without looking his way. I'm stealthy like that. He is nursing a beer and talking with Jess. We get the shots and there are jokes and things and he turns around away from it all-- away from me. Me, who like a moron, is standing right there next to him because I was being stupid and polite or something. Who knows what I was thinking but it was stupid because that is what stuck with me. After the excuses and the leaving the turning away is what stuck with me. A whole party, new people, lots of attention and that's what sticks. Who even knows what or why he turned away. I'm probably being egotistical and paranoid that it had anything to do with me but that's what it felt like.

So today I stayed home because even if that isn't what it was I don't want to deal with that happening again today. I don't want to see his skittering glances again and again and then watch him walk away or turn the other way. I don't want to see him around campus and know that even if I'm in the same room with the same group he won't greet me. I've got to write this all out and get it out of my head though. I stopped syndication to my Facebook because everyone on there knows both of us and I don't really want to share this over there. Maybe if I write it out more often it will get out of my head. None of this should matter at this point but it still does because I'm stupid. Kibble is right. I always hold onto the people that kick me in the face the hardest and I'm trying to stop.

*sigh* I guess that's all for now. I'm actually a bit tired. I was up stupid early today. I'm still getting used to the meds and the timing of them. Maybe I'll take a quick nap before dinner. Bye LJ.
You know the one problem with having movie tastes so severely different from all of your housemates is that you generally get out voted for things and the main movie ends up being one you either really don't like/hate or just get sick of watching. Not a big deal really, just sort of a general eh kind of thing. I have noticed that since moving here and the majority liking more gentle types of movies (comedy, drama, etc) that my interest in watching things with explosions and gore has increased. I guess I just get enough of the other and not enough of the hardcore that it leads to a movie deficiency lol. That and anime/b-movies since I think I'm the only one who likes them at all. I have a TV in my room though so it isn't a big deal. I was just thinking about it because today's movie choice is one I don't like at all. Gryph and Jeff never get to watch their war movies and westerns that much either. We need more movies which is rather funny to say since we have thousands. It also seems we see alot of the same ones over and over again which happens when you have favorites. This drives me crazy. Then again if I see a movie three times a year it seems too much to me, let alone every month or every other month.

Anyhow so the meds worked really well for the morning and then around two it was back to find a soft spot because you are going down. So I slept from a large portion of the early evening. I had plans too, very sucky. Hopefully the time between meds and crashing will go down. Since this is only the second med day we have barely scratched the surface.

Hmm think I'm gonna go watch some anime or play a video game. I haven't been playing many vid games lately. Just too many memories associated with them I don't want. Maybe I'll play some Final Fantasy Tactics and wonder how Hare's life is going. If he ever married Steffie and sprogged or if his crazy was too hardcore for that. He wasn't my first love by any stretch of the imagination but I would say he was my first serious relationship. I always kind of wonder about him at random times. Usually only certain things remind me of him. I wonder if he thinks the same sort of things? Probably. I suspect such thoughts are common enough. I'm not that special. Last I heard (a few years back) he was still in Florida with Steffie and they were going to be married but that he was still a bit crazy and abusive. My urge to track him down is almost nil. Mostly it is just a vague curiosity as to what has happened to him. We were in love at one point and I thought we were going to spend our lives together. It lends one to being curious. Alright enough chatter from me.

I just realized that I am now the exact same age Hare was when we first met. LOL How odd to think of how much time has wandered by. Hmmm I must say my life is in a better place then his was when we met. Which is very good. That and the idea of dating a 17 year old doesn't appeal in the slightest.
seorgia: (Default)
( May. 7th, 2008 12:44 am)

This is the sound of Seo screaming in terror and disgust.

I am on my bed, chatting with Sean (I'll get to that in a sec) when a fucking tick comes crawling over my computer and keyboard. EEEEGGGGGGGG! *girlie scream time*

*wiggles hands in a girlie fashion*

Ewwwwwyyyyy! Okay so now I have to figure out how to sleep in my bed. I just changed the sheets tonight too. BLEGHness! Why me?

All of the animals are getting more Frontline tomorrow. I'm just going to sit here and cry a while. I managed to get the tick out of my bed and onto the floor where I was able to squish it to death after a few tries. Ended up killing it with a cd case. Hehehe. EEEEEEEE icky!

*coughs* Okay back to being a hardass now. As I was saying I was chatting with Sean online during all this and he was having a rough time. One of his long distance friends broke up with her b/f or something and was crying to him online saying how see was going to kill herself blah blah blah. She was going on and on about how she had taken vodka and some pills and Sean was worried and wanted to know what he should do and if I thought this was real. My response was she probably wasn't going to kill herself but you can never be too careful. As such, I called campus police on her and told them the story and sent over the aim transcript. Maybe not the most pleasant thing to do but Homie don't play that. Suicide ain't a fucking joke. Not like that anyway. Though I'm probably the worst person to say that since I have said it before and meant it but let's not go into my crazy right now. Anyhow the cops are over there and hopefully the girl will get some help. And I'll take the hit for ratting on her instead of Sean.

You know this isn't the first time nor the the fiftieth when I've said I'll take the blame for someone else. Why do I do that? I should know better as people do take me up on that and I've gotten hurt over it. I'm not a superwoman. I'm just a Seo and that's all I know how to be. This time i doubt it will mean anything really. Some random girl I'm never going to meet is going to be mad at me, oh well. But recently it did and fuck. *sighs* Hello issues please go away right now. I'm rather busy trying to to burn my bed. Oh I guess that's your fault as well.

Oh damn I woke the birds up. Hmm I like their little chirps.
I have changed my mind partly about the man-hatred thing. I hate one or three men and that is enough.

On a better note class was boring but I then went and hung out with Sean, Matt P., and their across the hall neighbor Ryan. It was a blast. There was one some dark spot on all of this but I mostly ignored him and was ignored in turn. Yay. :(

Anyhow the new kid is wicked cute and funny as hell. Sean, Ryan and I then walked around campus a bit and talked gaming and other way fun things. It was super nice. I now have a new game I must try out now. That's all I need another vid game addiction. I invited the two of them over at some point for cooking lessons and to watch some kick ass cooking shows. I now must play some more pokemon here real soon. *chuckles* I love geeking about games and shtuff.

Squee so yay good afternoon. I have fed my sourdough starter babies and soon they will be ready for consumption bwhahaha. Mmmm consuming your pets teehee

Squeeeeeeeeeeee! I need this shirt!!!!! Someone love me enough to buy me this shirt! OMG LURVE!!!@!!!!!

Is it really bad when the people on the show get their "big changes" and look the exact same?

Oh and I have decided the intestines are the party animals of the body. They just want to leap right out of the body and go out partying.

This is not always the best show to watch. It makes you start looking down at your body and you start thinking evil thought. That and you start looking at everyone around you and thinking of how you could "fix" them. LOL I have to stop watching the surgery shows for a while. *chuckles*

Oh and why are plastic surgeons always fugly? That does not fill me with the confidence. And I like features that look individual instead of factory smooth. Grrrrr....

Oh and worst feeling of the night was realizing you freaked your friend out with how horrible your past is and saying a one-off comment that you don't even realize is horrible until they react. Ha ha I'm a mutant...

Oh and funniest and most horrible comment of the night "i have explained that i am not going to catch the next razor down emo street" (not said by me)

Hot chocolate is for the win.
seorgia: (Emotion: Sadness)
( Apr. 12th, 2008 01:28 am)
Kibble is visiting which is all sorts of great. I wish we could visit more often. I so miss the furbutt. Anyhow I introduced him to Chocolate Cake Shots. We watched some TV and have mostly been hanging out in the same room each on a computer. Sad but true.

We were talking about stuff that has been happening recently and he said something terribly insightful in regards to me. He said "You aren't very good at hating people like that. You tend to hold on to people who kick you in the face." Funny how true that is and always has been. Kibble is one of the few people I can talk with about emotions and stuff who either doesn't leave me feeling worse or leave me annoyed at them being unable to understand me. He always seems to get to what is bothering me and help me lay it out proper like.

Anyhow I'm tired but knowing me I'll just end up staring at the ceiling for a while so I'm not too hyped to head to bed yet. We are helping Furball and Carla move tomorrow. Large amounts of driving and hauling of stuff is in my future.

I'm so tired today. I was going to go to the movies but I'm just exhausted and I can't seem to get unexhausted. *sighs* Probably the hormones being all weird. Oh well. Insomnia loves me.

And since I'm tired I've become a hypochondriac. Here is my conversation with Kibble.

Me: I think I'm getting fatter.
Kibs: You just said you think you are retaining water.
Me: Yes getting fatter. Do you think I'm getting fatter?
Kibs: That's not the same thing dear.
Me: You didn't answer the question.
Kibs: No dear. I don't think you are getting fatter (smart man)
Me: How do you know?
Kibs: I look at you more then you look at you.
Me: Well my boobs are getting bigger.
Kibs: Thank God for that.

A few minutes later....

Me: I think I have terminal insomnia.
Kibs: You do not have terminal insomnia.
Me: It's a real disease, look it up. They say only like six families have it and they are all Italian. I'm Italian. I could be a descendant of one of those six families.
Kibs: I think you just need more dick in your life.
Me: Yes that's true.
Kibs: That's means you don't have terminal insomnia.
Me: I'm not sure I agree with that statement.
Kibs: Yes dear.

Teehee what other fun things can we talk about.
seorgia: (Silly: Masturbation Killing Unicorns)
( Apr. 11th, 2008 01:09 pm)
I just finished my Micro Exam. I actually think I did really well. I finished up in about a half an hour. So 2 out of 3 exams this week went really well. Yeah still need to track down my math teacher and beg crazy.

Ho hum I am off to run errands and fix my bumper now. I ran into Reid at school before class and chatted for a few minutes. He has been running around upstate a lot lately dealing with medical things. I hope he ends up being okay. It was nice running into him though. I had missed hanging out with him. I really should start going back to Gaming Society. It is just on such a crap night for me. It would be easier if I was actually on campus those days. Blegh.

Think I might hit a movie at the dollar theater before picking up Kibble tonight. yay kibble in town. ^_^
To die and part is a less evil; but to part and live, there, there is the torment. ~George Lansdowne

How do you say goodbye to someone? What special things do you need to say and what can you leave go? Goodbyes are the hardest thing in the world. To condense down all that feeling into a few simple words seems so impossible. There are times when you must do it, there is no other choice; but what do you say?

"I miss you. I'll always miss you." Are these good things? How do you write a goodbye? I think you put everything you are and ever have been on the page in as few words as possible. You lay it all out and you give everything because goodbyes can be forever. This is the last thing they will have of you. Goodbyes aren't always bad. I guess I like closure in my life a lot. Or maybe I just always have something more to say later. I just need to say goodbye that one last time because sometimes that's all there is left to do.

So I wrote my goodbye and now I'm sending it. I'm gonna miss people. I'm gonna miss um a lot but sometimes goodbye is okay. Not happy but okay.

Funny how the world boils down to okay. You wake up as a child and you think the world will be happy and ecstatic but it isn't. Happiness is a split second of wonderful and an hours of work.

LOL this isn't an emo post though I can see where it rather reads like one. I'm really okay right now. I'm sad but not broken just a bit sad. It is okay to be sad. So many people want to cover up when they are sad. We are a culture built upon the idea that you must be happy and if you aren't happy something is wrong and here is a little pill to fix it. Now I take some of those pills but they make the chemicals in my brain normal. I'm not happy all the time. I can be sad and hurt and depressed but to a normal level and that is okay. Right now I'm .... I'm good. I take pains to move my life forward over every bump and hurtle. I fall down and scrap my knees and as long as I pick myself up and keep going I count that as a win. I'm not going to end in first place but I don't care.

So yeah I'm okay. I'm sad and I'm really missing people in my life who have gone away or who are going away. Funny how many people come and go in you life over a period of time. I'm only 26 and there are so many holes where people used to be. I never stop missing them but it fades to the back of my head. I don't think you should stop missing people. If you are important to me you'll always be important to me and I'll always miss you even if you aren't around and can't be around.

So *raises glass* here's to the people I miss. Everyone who is gone from me, everyone I don't see much, everyone I see all the time but wish I could see more, everyone I've ever loved just a little bit. I hope your lives are good and happy because that's what we strive for everyday and that's what you should live for.
seorgia: (Emotion: Power)
( Apr. 5th, 2008 12:21 am)
I never have found the perfect quote. At best I have been able to find a string of quotations which merely circle the ineffable idea I seek to express.
~Caldwell O'Keefe

Silence is a text easy to misread.
~A. A. Attanasio

The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want.
~Ben Stein

Our lives improve only when we take chances - and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.
~Walter Anderson

Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared.
~Eddie Rickenbacker (1890 - 1973)

If you can solve your problem, then what is the need of worrying? If you cannot solve it, then what is the use of worrying?

Change is the constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the phoenix.
~Christina Baldwin

Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinions of others, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth.
~Katherine Mansfield

In the words of the ancients, one should make his decisions within the space of seven breaths. Lord Takanobu said, "If discrimination is long, it will spoil. " Lord Naoshige said, "When matters are done leisurely, seven out of ten will turn out badly. A warrior is a person who does things quickly.''
When your mind is going hither and thither, discrimination will never be brought to a conclusion. With an intense, fresh and undelaying spirit, one will make his judgments within the space of seven breaths. It is a matter of being determined and having the spirit to break right through to the other side.

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.”
~Paulo Coelho quote

Every minute you are thinking of evil, you might have been thinking of good instead. Refuse to pander to a morbid interest in your own misdeeds. Pick yourself up, be sorry, shake yourself, and go on again.
~Evelyn Underhill

Misfortune shows those who are not really friends.

It’s the friends you can call up at four a.m. that matter.
~Marlene Dietrich

A mind troubled by doubt cannot focus on the course to victory.
~Arthur Golden

Assert your right to make a few mistakes. If people can't accept your imperfections, that's their fault.
~Dr. David M. Burns

Sometimes it seems like God is difficult to find and impossibly far away. We get so caught up in our small daily duties and irritations that they become the only things that we can focus on. What we forget is that God's love and beauty are all around us, every day, if only we would take the time to look up and see them.

In the absence of clearly-defined goals, we become strangely loyal to performing daily trivia until ultimately we become enslaved by it.
~Robert Heinlein

EVERY path may lead you to God, even the weird ones. Most of us are on a journey. We’re looking for something, though we’re not always sure what that is. The way is foggy much of the time. I suggest you slow down and follow some of the side roads that appear suddenly in the mist.
~Real Live Preacher

There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.
~Josh Billings (1818 - 1885)

Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.
~Benjamin Franklin

Live well. It is the greatest revenge.
~The Talmud

“Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience.”
~Victoria Holt

The world moves. The world shifts. I never forget and I never regret.
seorgia: (Seo: What Makes Me Real?)
( Mar. 29th, 2008 02:28 pm)
Oh look it is 2:30 and I'm just getting up. Thank you WoW for keeping me up later then I intended. I actually woke up much earlier for a while and just stayed in bed listening to the horrendously loud sounds of my children playing and romping through the house. I really quite missed them all. They were playing some game based on the chaotic deck I think.

Oh well, I had gotten less then 15 hours sleep for the past four days so it was good to crash for a while.

I feel rather odd right now. I wish my life was different in some ways. No, that's not true. I wish I didn't have to make some choices I know I needed to make. I want a fairy tale that doesn't exist; everyone wants that and making those horrible choices is part of being an adult. Making sure I stay sane as possible and working towards being a better person is important. That means sometimes I'm not happy with what I have to choose but I do it anyway. I wish knowing this made it easier like you get some magical instant grown up card that lets you rip out your guts and not feel it when you turn 18 but you don't get anything that wicked. When you are young it looks easy to be a grown-up. You see your parents making hard choices but you don't really see it. I watched my mother do things that amaze me as an adult today but as a child I was too self-centered to really see beyond what I wanted. You look at your parents and can't wait to be them. You can't wait to drive and drink and be free to do what ever you want but you aren't free and somehow that seems like the cruelest joke.

I miss my Clan. I mourn the choices I had to make to keep me sane. I know I am better off now then I would be had I stayed and let things continue to deteriorate but I still miss them. It was a family unlike the one I had now and it hurts still that they are gone. Not all of them are lost to me but if you have five brothers and two you no longer talk to do the remaining three make everything alright? Of course not but that is how it has to be at times. I miss my father. I wonder about him at times. Should I go find him? Should I let him die without ever talking to him again? What if I find him now and he destroys all the good memories I have of him as a child. How do I want to remember my father? As the man who taught me to fish, to defend myself, and to laugh at everything or the druggy I'm told he has become? I'm not sure and I know that clock is running out. I'm not even sure how to find him anymore.

Finally, I mourn the present choice I am making. It is one I do not make lightly and hate the doing of but I feel I must. I can't do what I did with Roger again. I can't have another year and a half of not knowing where I stand with a friend I'm close to, I'm just not strong enough anymore. I wish I wasn't this weak but it is no ones fault this time. The deeper I let you in the more solid I need the ground I stand on to be. I'm not good at sharing what I really feel. I'm not good at feeling things at all really. At times I've described myself as I functional sociopath and I mean it. Some behaviors I've just plain had to learn by rote, by watching people around me interact and mimicking them. It sounds like what everyone does but it isn't quite like that. Maybe my present choice reflects that most of all. I care about his feelings. I really do. I understand he needs time to deal with things and that him not wanting to talk is reasonable. Neither one of us did anything wrong to one another, though maybe I am, at present, doing something horrible. But the not knowing makes me insane. The not talking drives me crazy. All of it eats my attention and destroys my concentration. If I was a teenager and the worst I had to worry about was getting up and going to high school maybe I could do it but I doubt it. It tore me up then too but I just... well that's a different topic.

I don't want to be an adult. I want to scream and cry and throw a tantrum the likes of which Gwennie can barely imagine. I want to yell and cry and hit him and talk to him and shake the world to dust but I'm not going to. I'm going to be an adult and stay the present course. He needs time to deal with the changes in his life and I can't give it to him, not and have him as a part of my life. I wish I was stronger because he isn't asking much ad he deserves that time. I wish I wasn't so broken. But I'm none of those things and all I can do is try and be as sane, as healthy, as I can be for my family and for myself. That means saying goodbye to a friend I care about. Not because he is horrible or asking for something unimaginable but because I just can't deal with so much uncertainty.

I guess I'll go run my errands for the day. I should probably eat something since I didn't bother to yesterday.
seorgia: (Emotion: Swearing)
( Feb. 13th, 2008 04:08 pm)
*groans* I have a cake to deliver and I'm fairly sure my car will not make it up or down the driveway safely. Craptastic. Damnit I need to get this birthday cake delivered grrrrrr!

I also need a cake board and some fondant. Both I was going to go pick up later today. I wonder if I should go now and risk it or wait until later? Or beg Matt to forgive me and get him a cake next week? Crapity!

Alright cake board acquired. Fondant acquired. Baking can now begin.
seorgia: (Default)
( Feb. 12th, 2008 02:37 pm)
Ugh my head feels so fucked. I had more weird dreams while sleeping in the car through lunch (who needs food?). Shanti was in one. I hope she is doing alright. I don't have class until 5 because of the middle of the day class being canceled. Couldn't be at the end or beginning? Nope, it had to be my mid-day class.

So I'm online for a bit then I'm going to go get some coffee. I'd do both at the same time but you can't have coffee in the computer lab.

Ugh my head feels horrible. Maybe I should have gotten lunch or breakfast after all? Naw fuck that whole eating nonsense. Coffee will fix all.

My last class is math and the weather is beginning to get fairly craptastic. Oh joy. I believe I'm going food shopping tonight and I have a birthday cake I'm completing tomorrow for a friend of mine. Was supposed to do it today but i don't think transporting a cake in this weather is going to be on my to do list.

Huh aim, I don't think relief should make you want to go throw up. Haha stomach I haven't given you anything! There's nothing to throw up you suck! Ooo headache.

Offline time.
seorgia: (Default)
( Feb. 11th, 2008 02:02 am)
I was going to go get pierced today (probably for the wrong reasons honestly) but I was twarted by a lack of a piercer in New Paltz. Instead Jesse and I sat around the Muddy Cup drinking coffee and chatting about recent events and other random things. It was fairly pleasant. Afterwards we watched a horrible movie at her place (my choice of movie was flawed) ad then I went on home.

My head is still all over the place. I feel like I should just repeat that over and over because that is all my mind seems able to do, repeat things over and over again. I'll be home most of tomorrow catching up on school work and trying to help out around the house. I have a shagload of chores to do I just haven't had any interest in doing the past week or so. I do need to run out and get food for my lizards and take care of one or two other things. I'm leaving to visit my mom in a few days. I'm not sure if I am excited or not. I don't really like being gone from my household for that many days in a row. I miss my kids and my housemates and I have pets that require attention but I like seeing my mom. It is probably good for me to get away for a while but I really don't want to. I wish my mom lived a bit closer. Then I could visit more often without it eating a week of my time.

There are so many things I want to say to so many people right now. The thoughts crowd the back of my teeth waiting for a chance to escape. So many things it feels like drowning while awake.

Gonna head to bed now. I believe my mood has fallen again. I should go to the doctor and get things checked but it requires too much energy and I just don't care enough to bother.
seorgia: (Silly: Gonna rape you)
( Feb. 10th, 2008 01:59 am)
Oh Mercury is in retrograde. How the fuck could I have guessed that.

I hate the world at times.
seorgia: (Snake: Black Hibi)
( Feb. 9th, 2008 03:15 pm)
Early this afternoon Gryph's father passed away. Our thoughts and love are with him and we wish we could all go to Ohio to be with him. Kae is going out later tonight to fly to Ohio to be with Gryph. I am never good at these sorts of things so how about a small poem instead.

Sprays of pink blossoms
In spring you danced
childhood a song

The hum of fireflies
In summer you wed
adulthood filled work

Leaves of orange-yellow
In fall you aged
older still vivacious

Frosted glass ponds
In winter you fell
gone but remembered
seorgia: (Emotion: Forgive me)
( Feb. 9th, 2008 12:05 am)
I take it all back. I remember how to say I'm Sorry and it takes like ashes in my mouth.
seorgia: (Emotion: Forgive me)
( Feb. 8th, 2008 07:17 pm)
And then the world turns sideways.
I'm going to get this post out because I'm in better control than this.

Today went fairly well. I missed my first period class by sleeping through my alarm. I'm buying two new ones this week. Three should wake me. Then I met up with Wyatt, Jesse, Jay, and Ethan and watched the guys lay Halo 3. The other besides Wyatt had to leave and then Shanti showed up and there was much Rock Bandness. Then we gamed. Game was mostly fun. The reason I say mostly is what brought up the topic at hand. Anger. Specifically my own. One of my friends said something which pissed me off, nothing huge and we have since resolved matters but this all got me to thinking.

How do you react to anger? Now I feel there are many different types of anger and each will get a different reaction out of me based on a few factors. Namely if the person was trying to piss me off, how much I like the person, whether or not this is a habit of theirs, and whether I feel I'm over-reacting. Generally if you piss me off I go quiet. Actually going quiet for me just means I have some strong reaction that I'm trying to figure out. That or sometimes if I'm tired but mostly the latter. It is my opinion that if I cannot control myself and my anger then I should not be handling the situation at present. This only holds true for anger caused by my friends and not always then. If you push me too far I will go off on you and it isn't exactly a pretty sight. Now this quiet isn't the passive-aggressive sort (which I fucking hate) at least I don't feel it is. I'm not doing this in some childish act of "I'm not talking to you lalalalala". I usually go quiet when I fear for my control and I don't feel blowing up at the person is warranted. If possible and depending on how badly you've managed to piss me off I will remove myself from the situation entirely. I will go somewhere and cool off. Hopefully I'll go find someone to make me laugh. If you can get me truly laughing and amused I'll seldom stay angry all that long. Later on, when I've gotten myself controlled and figured out why you angered me, I will come back either completely recovered having let the incident go or ready to have a conversation with you about what happened. I don't believe in holding things in and letting things pile up. If you are my friend then you probably want my life to be happy just like I want yours to be happy so you will probably want to talk things over. If you don't know what you did there isn't any way you or I can fix the situation so I believe in full disclosure. I might believe in mind readers but I don't expect my friends to be them.

It takes a lot to truly get me going though, at least I think it does. I try to be fairly laid back about the world. Shit happens and sometimes people piss you off. Hell if you are my friend I expect you to piss me off and for me to do the same to you. Relationships aren't about everything being perfect all the time for me. I expect some fireworks and enjoy them. I like people with backbones and strong opinions. No, I don't want you snapping at me all the time but it happens so don't worry about it. And yes I'm speaking to the individual I had a disagreement with earlier in the evening though this entire post is not aimed at them, this evening just happened to spark the thought. (You are such a prat too bad I love you anyways *snugs* ^_~)

Those are some my feelings on anger. I think it is a healthy emotion though like all things to be had only in moderation. I know I act angry frequently. Usually I'm just annoyed at the world or even more often faking it because it is an easy default for me to fall back on. You can only live angry for so many years before it becomes an easy place to fall back onto. That and I'm an arrogant bastard who thinks poorly of much of the world. Okay also a lie but yeah.

What does all of this have to do with regret? A great deal actually. A long time ago I read some article in a chick mag about how women are trained to say "I'm sorry" all the time and take the blame for things. This got me to thinking about myself and my life and lead me to one of my fundamental moral beliefs- I don't believe in regrets. I think that you should live life to the fullest and be happy with who and what you are. A life full of regrets is a life wasted. I may not be happy with every road I've taken but I stand by any and every decision I've made. Not because I'm a god (which I am but that is besides the point) but because I like the person I have become.

I don't know, maybe if I liked my life less I would believe in regrets but I just don't see what they gain you. So you fucked up, learn and move on. My life hasn't been some magical bed of roses, hell I doubt anyone's life has been but it was my life. I made my choices and I happened to be stupid lucky enough to end up here with my magnificent family surrounded by loving friends. But they were all my choices to make. If I look back on my life there are other roads I could have taken. Roads maybe easier that lead me somewhere else. Do i think I'm perfect? Hell no, but I don't think that regretting my life gets me anywhere better.

This leads me to the phrase "I'm Sorry". I don't use it very often which sounds really fucking horrible I know. It isn't that I'm perfect or that I don't think there is a place for it in this world. It is more that I try to live my life as honest as possible. This generally equals the fact that I'm just not going to say I'm sorry if I'm not. Since I don't really do the whole regret thing, which seems intrinsically part of being sorry, I seldom find a place where being sorry fits. I also think the phrase is so over used as to have no meaning anymore. It would be nice if there was another phrase like it for times when you feel someone's pain as your own but that doesn't sound as stupid as that. Like their dog died. I hate saying I'm sorry. I didn't kill the fucking dog. Unless I did and it was an accident then yes I would say I'm sorry. Sorry for accidents is fine. Sorry for being a purposeful dickhead is not fine. You did it on purpose own up to it. (And no I'm NOT speaking about the incident from earlier this evening stop being so paranoid you prat)

I guess this all boils down to owning up to your life. You fuck up guess what, sorry won't fix it. Clean up your mess and move on. Don't regret your life out of existence. Sometimes things suck, you grow, you change, and then you keep going. You get angry and lose control you fix your shit. I deal with this by not losing my head. I wish more people did. Maybe I could handle things better. Maybe I get angry when I shouldn't but I'm human and there isn't much I can do besides try and do better. I try and that is more then many people do. I may not succeed but when I'm old and making crude bukakke jokes out on my porch with Kae I'll know I did the best I could with my life. Fuck regrets, who needs um.

LOL this post has turned out completely opposite of where it was when I was composing it in the car. The anger part was supposed to be like two line and the regret part much longer. Oh well I think I got the gist of what I wanted down.
Tonight ended on a fairly crap note. The day went okay. I ran errands and only got half done. Not because I didn't do them but because either the places were closed or they were out of what I needed or the wait was too long. I count that as a win on my part anyhow. I started my new meds (ugh I hate the taste but as my mom said do I hate the taste enough to stay sick?). Then Kibble and I went up at around 5:30 to go game with my New Paltz buds and we had a blast. It was the first game of this new campaign and it went really well. I'm happy with my character and I adore where this seems to be going. So we left at a reasonable time so Wyatt could crash cause he has class at 10 am.

This is when the trouble starts. We are driving down the road chatting when we hear a loud pop and I feel the car go funny. Yep the tire blew out again. I pulled over and basically lost it. Too much crap with being sick, emotionally a bit out there, not having eaten anything but two PB&J sandwiches all day and being really tired. I completely lost my shit and started crying and not dealing very well. Without Kibble being there I probably would have just curled up into a ball, cried for a while and gone to sleep right where I was. The cops would have been less then pleased I'm sure. But Kibble was there and helped me pull my shit together so we could deal with the tire. AAA was a no go because I don't have anymore call ins on it and I didn't have the cash on my to pay for a tow truck to change the tire. Nigel tried for a while and it seemed a bust. I must buy a better jack. Some cops came by and tried to help but couldn't. During this time I had been texting back and forth with Wyatt and Jesse about my car woes and they called. I talked to Wyatt then passed the phone to Kibble because I was just plain not feeling well enough to function. I was cold and I couldn't stop coughing. Nigel told them the situation and they volunteered to ride to the rescue with some extra cash. It turns out we didn't need it because for some reason Wyatt and Nigel have some kind of strange synergy and the damn tire decided it wanted to come off after all. So Nigel and Jesse handled the tire while I acted a fool damsel in distress and leaned on Wyatt's shoulder apologizing incessantly and trying not to cry and failing. We packed the car up hugged people goodbye and toddled home. Tomorrow I go back to Sears and go WTF Mate? I still don't know what is wrong with the tire.

But on a personal note I must say I am a truly blessed individual to have such wonderful friends. Jesse showed up and immediately tossed a blanket on me, gave me a big hug, and then proceeded to help change a tire in 27 degree weather. Nigel kept me sane and laughing while I kept losing my head not to mention basically taking over while I stood there sick and so very tired and cold. Wyatt got wept on yet again which is a bad habit I seemed to have developed which is just unacceptable. Not to mention blessing my heathen self and telling me it is okay to lose it when I needed to (which I still don't agree with because I am big and tough). It was strange and looking back on it kind of nice for once not having to be the one to take care of it all and just to fall apart and know there are people there to catch you. Not something I want a repeat of because I seriously value my ability to deal with bullshit a bit more then that. Not to mention do I seem the type to gladly play Damsel in Distress? I hope you said no, if you value your life you said no.

So the night ended rather eventfully. I wish the gremlins would get the hell out of my fucking car. I have a bit of a headache and I'm about to go crash. I have taken all my meds, the cough seems to have mostly stopped, and I am quite happily curled up in my warm, comfy bed. I can't say it was all bad. I didn't want the situation but .... I guess I just feel extra loved and special. I like having people I can count on at 1 in he morning to come help me out. I have a wonderful family and I know they would have come but I'm glad I didn't have to make anyone trip out to NP. I don't know now I'm getting paranoid my family is going to think I don't think they would or that I should have called them.

I believe that means I need to go get some sleep now. *sighs* Hopefully I can get my car fixed in the morning as I have an amazing amount of stuff I want to get done tomorrow.

Night LJ ^_^ And thank you once again to Nigel, Jesse, and Wyatt. *Snugs* You guys rock the socks ^_^
seorgia: (Seo: Murasaki Pony)
( Jan. 28th, 2008 09:36 pm)
Sometimes the best things in the world are friends. They can make you or break you. Pick you up when you lose it and hit you in the head when you need it. They make the world work and not be so fucking scary. There are days when all you need is someone to talk to, to cry on and those are the days you find them waiting for you even if you haven't seen them in so so long. They'll push you down the hard roads because that's where you need to go. They'll tell you it is okay to lose it and be broken but not okay to give up. They'll make you laugh while you cry and cry while you laugh. But all of it is good and all of it means more then the world at times.

So to two of my very oldest and bestest friends: Thank you. I love you.
seorgia: (Seo: Snowy)
( Jan. 27th, 2008 12:21 am)
Ever make your life harder then it needs to be? LOL Ever told your housemate about it and had her shake her at at you and sigh? Yeahhhhhhh..... *cackles*

So I had a fun night last night. Well other then my car tire dying a horrible death. I need to find out in the morning if I can get it fixed or if I have to buy a new tire. I spent the night over at Wyatt's at New Paltz because i was scared to drive home on the doughnut. I ended up having to do so anyway. oh well. We celebrated Jess's (not Jesse) 21st birthday. Couldn't find a bar because they were all carding BOOOOO so we had a party in the room. It was good but I am never watching Wyatt play Half-Life while drinking again. LOL I have no control over my squeaking and he tends to die alot. *laughs* Shanti made a cake and I got to help out. It was alot of fun. I'll get a picture from her or Wyatt and post it up for all to see. It is hard to cook and bake at the college.

Came home to an empty house and crashed from the tired. I don't think anyone else is awake right now. I heard Gryph out watching TV but then I heard him go to bed before I had dragged myself out of bed. A bit sad as I don't get to hang with Gryph as much as I'd like. Our schedules are drastically different. Actually now that I think about it they are going to be even more different now that I have a new semester. Blegh. Matt goes to work soon and I will be the only one home. How weird. It so seldom happens I never quite get used to the idea. I've grown very accustomed to my family being around and while I like the quiet at times I miss them when no one is home with me. Odd for a latchkey only child but I guess I used up my quiet time when I was younger. Actually it was really hard for me to adjust in the beginning. I like it now, though it gets to me at times still, but I had no idea what to do with myself in the beginning.

I've been spending alot of time thinking and contemplating my life lately. I tend to look internally frequently but more so when my life seems to be shifting drastically. Much of my time has been spent trying not to freak or lose it over things. Our little family has been together a year and a half now (well with me being involved anyhow). It has been a tough year and a half in some regards but gorgeous in others. No I'm not about to wax poetic about my family again. You all know I'm infatuated with them. The two year mark is coming up soonish. I don't think things of this sort have ever lasted for me past two years. Things went wrong and people went crazy and I don't know. I....I...hmm so many things to say. *blinks* I guess I have enough abandonment issues to choke a large yak. I doubt hey will ever fully go away. I can deal with them and I try not to ask for reassurances too often as that probably gets annoying but I still worry. The more I think about things the deeper I get inside my own head to the root of where all these issues come from. It isn't like they are exactly hidden but forest for the trees and all that. The same thoughts meander there way through my head all the time. I know the only thing that will really help is time and I have lots of that. I have the time to let things blossom and flow where they will. I will admit to wanting things quicker as I have almost no patience but I know that some things need time. As much as I worry I also don't. I have this horrible deep seated trust that things will go alright in my life. Maybe not moment to moment but overall things get better constantly. It is funny to look back at my life and the crap I've gone through and to admit to being fully sure that the gods take care of me and push me towards a good life. Ugh what a horrible sticky statement to admit to. You didn't hear me say that shhhhhhh!

So yeah worrier that I am I'm just gonna try and not do so. Things will go where they need to. I can try to go where I want but I have just found my life takes me where I need to go even if it isn't where I wanted to go. Maybe things won't work out how I want them to. Maybe I could make my life easier. Maybe I'll never be the king of all Londinium and wear a shiny hat but things will go where they need to and hopefully work out in a way that makes as many people happy as possible. I'll keep worrying and keep doing what I do and just try to enjoy the ride while I'm here.
seorgia: (Painted Seo)
( Dec. 1st, 2007 11:02 pm)
Last night I invited over a bunch of my school friends to play DnD Shots; we had a blast. I would recount the game but ahem I don't really exactly remember it all. We all got a little smashed though Matt P. ended up soberish towards the end (very sad). Then we all all crashed by 5 or so in the morning. I woke up at 9:15 because I'm fairly certain my body hates me at times and enjoys torturing me with no sleep and then too much at weird times. During the party I made cinnamon buns (yay drunken baking! go me) so we had those baked fresh along with some amazing thing K makes. Life was good. Then I gave everyone the house/property tour which resulted in many ooos and ahhhs; it was the wonderful being able to show off my family, I seldom get to do so. They left and I allowed myself to be climbed on for 2 hours by heavy children. I'm now very sore but the kids are damned cute so eh.

*yawns* I took a nap after dinner and now I suppose I will go and work on school work or something productive. Yay! I know I shouldn't say this (tempting fate and all) but I'm happy to have had such a good end to such a terrible week. It was just plain nice having people over and getting drunk and joking around. Plus I adored being able to play GM. Especially towards the end when the game just became a big joke and I got to make up some really interesting and gruesome deaths. Also my family really liked my friends which is always a lovely feeling. Matt P. is fascinated by with Matt ([ profile] nounsandverbs) does for a living because Matt P. is going into communications as well so he is all hyped and I am to give his information over to Matt for maybe jobidge and internidge or what ever. LOL It is all very cute. After they all left K, Katie, and I talked like giggling girls which was hilarious. LOL I love living with other women like me at times, it can be hmmm giggly. Plus you know both my female housemates rock the socks. They kick ass and take names.
seorgia: (Default)
( Oct. 11th, 2007 03:09 am)
Seriously, all the nice ones taken. But I can't be sad because it looks like a got a really kickass new friend. *smiles* Today ended so nicely.
seorgia: (Default)
( May. 18th, 2007 11:06 am)
It is official. I am definitely and Old Maid.

My friend from Cape Cod just had a baby 2 weeks ago (I found out today. We're pretty crap at communication lol) Oh and now I have just found out my other best friend from Cape Cod has recently had a pair of twin girls. I'm going to go sob in a corner now.

And on a weirder note my other friend from MI, who I was randomly talking about with Matt yesterday, just tagged me on and we're now talking. Wow busy week!

Now I need to go clean my room up because my mom and step-father are in town visiting.

*mind boggles*
I seldom post on serious things but this is serious - so please, please read this post.

I have just learned that some of my friends suffered a house fire on Tuesday. They have lost everything and my friend Ashran is in the hospital with severe burns.

Here's the posts with the details:

Post one with more what happened details

Post two with more medical details

This details where you can send monetary donations

These are people I have known for years. I met Ashran and Summer at one of my first big cons. They have always been spectacular to me. I remember seeing Summer preggers and the munchkins later. I may not talk to them every single day but they are important to me. Please, please if you can help do. I don't ask for much, but I'm asking for this.
seorgia: (Default)
( Mar. 10th, 2007 02:03 pm)
So talking with people and here are my thoughts:

You know how you think something doesn't hurt anymore. Then you have to describe it to someone or remember it and it hurts all over again. I hate that. I hate it a lot.

All great leaders are only as good as the people they surround themselves with. If you want to see how healthy they are, or how they are doing look at their closest friends and you'll see. Or better yet look at how they treat them, and you'll see even clearer.

I use my memory like a band-aid to a little child. Cover it up, forget about it, and it is all better. But it isn't all better and it never will be.

It can suck just as much that you were right as that you were wrong.

I'm not as nice a person as I play on TV. But I am nice enough to not say the things I'm thinking.

If everyone around you tells you that you are being a prick, look again it might be true.

Sometimes when you think you are really good at something you aren't. Don't lie just because you can. People aren't stupid and you are never as good at it as you think you are and if you think I'm talking about you, I probably am.

You can't save people if they don't want to be saved.

And of course the ubiquitous BOOBIES, because if I'm not amusing you or threatening to hurt someone, obviously you aren't interested in knowing me. But even one-trick ponies get tired.

Also, I would just like to say OW and FUCK, as I just caught my nipple on the door as I opened it to go it. Something about nipple rings makes you hit yourself in the nipple with doors.


seorgia: (Default)


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