On a slightly happier or I guess funnier note my strange ability to share feelings has now spread to sharing injuries. Yes, I managed to give our resident Warrior Kheprian the exact same injury I myself was suffering from with my mind. LOL I rock. *chuckles* I do so love outside confirmation of things even if those said things are a bit annoying to confirm. I really should do some more metaphysical practice soon. We all keep saying we are going to do things but than never get around to doing so. On the plus side my butt feels a lot better. Thanks Gryph! It is so nice having Kheprians around.

On a complete yet tangential side note it sort of makes sense from a Kheprian system view point. Since the Warriors should technically be able to take more damage and keep functioning it would make sense for the Priests or even Counselors to pass such things off to them. In essence each person trades off the things that are overwhelming to the person best able to handle them. Ha ha Kae see now all all makes sense what I handed over to your counselor butt. Hehehehe hmm which I guess means I'm serving the Priest role so what are you guys handing over to me? I should probably let that one go unasked. Hehe Kheperians are funny.
seorgia: (Emotion: Wistful)
( Nov. 18th, 2008 12:56 am)
Today was an enjoyable day. I overslept a bit but woke up at a semi-reasonable time for me. Upon waking I chatted with Kt and the kids and found out a book I had been waiting for was out. After procuring the book I read it straight through and was so super happy with it. Than I spent the evening with the Morton's because everyone else disappeared and we watched TV and chatted. Jeff was last to bed and we had a really nice conversation before he went to bed. It is a sort of habit at this point as he often goes to bed last and we often chat a bit before he crashes. I enjoy those conversations muchly.

I suppose that's why I'm posting this at least tangentially. It is funny when someone says something very small to you and it because one of those true Ah Ha moments that redefines things you hold dear. You had been searching for a reason for something and you just couldn't find one good enough anymore but than they say X and it is good enough. The people you love the most are enough of a reason to put up with a situation you would never put up with. They make it worth it to not get everything you ever wanted handed to you on a silver platter. They are worth the sometimes jarring discomforts of fitting your life with theirs.

There are times when you wish things were different. You wish X had happened or that Y had not been a fucktard and left your life only to pop back up and be a pain again. You want just a little more money because it would make everything just that much smoother. You wish there was just a little more room because someone is too loud or too chipper or too damned annoying. People chew too loudly, have too many pets (raises hand), are too lazy or too busy but you love them anyway. You put up with much because you think they are worth that extra comment held back, that scream of "Oh god could you please just for the love of Christ not do that thing you do or don't do ever again or I will kill you" which never passes your lips.

I'm often on here talking about my family and how much I love them and the home we have built. I try to stay away from too much personal stuff online because it is personal. Maybe people think at times that we are magical in our beautiful polymush family with so few problems but we aren't. Things are messy and full of pain. People stay up at night crying or upset. There isn't enough room and things which one day didn't bother you the very next day make up want to skin someone alive. But I say again these things are normal and these things are what living with others is about. I may sit on the front porch and wax poetical about my family being wonderful and perfect (and I believe they are) but even in perfection there is pain, in beauty lies horror.

My point is, I suppose, that perfection is never what you thought it would be. Perfection is imperfect and it hurts sometimes. There are days when crawling out of bed is the hardest thing you have to do and others when it takes everything you have not to crawl right back in again. The people around you make it worth the pain. They make the sacrifices, the noise, the smells, and even the loneliness worth it all.

Funny thing is I didn't intend to write such a long winded post tonight. I came up to drop a quick note about the Lavender Cookies I just baked. I guess it wasn't the cookies I really had on my mind.

To whom ever reads this, good night and be well. I hope at least part of it gave you that little extra reason to have an Ah Ha moment of your own.
seorgia: (Emotion: Fail)
( Jul. 21st, 2008 04:19 am)
Ugh I just had a horrible nightmare about the family breaking up.

Blegh sleep sucks. No more for me.
You know the one problem with having movie tastes so severely different from all of your housemates is that you generally get out voted for things and the main movie ends up being one you either really don't like/hate or just get sick of watching. Not a big deal really, just sort of a general eh kind of thing. I have noticed that since moving here and the majority liking more gentle types of movies (comedy, drama, etc) that my interest in watching things with explosions and gore has increased. I guess I just get enough of the other and not enough of the hardcore that it leads to a movie deficiency lol. That and anime/b-movies since I think I'm the only one who likes them at all. I have a TV in my room though so it isn't a big deal. I was just thinking about it because today's movie choice is one I don't like at all. Gryph and Jeff never get to watch their war movies and westerns that much either. We need more movies which is rather funny to say since we have thousands. It also seems we see alot of the same ones over and over again which happens when you have favorites. This drives me crazy. Then again if I see a movie three times a year it seems too much to me, let alone every month or every other month.

Anyhow so the meds worked really well for the morning and then around two it was back to find a soft spot because you are going down. So I slept from a large portion of the early evening. I had plans too, very sucky. Hopefully the time between meds and crashing will go down. Since this is only the second med day we have barely scratched the surface.

Hmm think I'm gonna go watch some anime or play a video game. I haven't been playing many vid games lately. Just too many memories associated with them I don't want. Maybe I'll play some Final Fantasy Tactics and wonder how Hare's life is going. If he ever married Steffie and sprogged or if his crazy was too hardcore for that. He wasn't my first love by any stretch of the imagination but I would say he was my first serious relationship. I always kind of wonder about him at random times. Usually only certain things remind me of him. I wonder if he thinks the same sort of things? Probably. I suspect such thoughts are common enough. I'm not that special. Last I heard (a few years back) he was still in Florida with Steffie and they were going to be married but that he was still a bit crazy and abusive. My urge to track him down is almost nil. Mostly it is just a vague curiosity as to what has happened to him. We were in love at one point and I thought we were going to spend our lives together. It lends one to being curious. Alright enough chatter from me.

I just realized that I am now the exact same age Hare was when we first met. LOL How odd to think of how much time has wandered by. Hmmm I must say my life is in a better place then his was when we met. Which is very good. That and the idea of dating a 17 year old doesn't appeal in the slightest.
seorgia: (Seo: Snowy)
( Apr. 10th, 2008 04:09 am)
Yes, I'm still awake. Yes, this means you get to read more insomnia induced ramblings. I'm sure you are all waiting with bated breath.

I've been thinking about loss and family frequently as of late. I've mentioned it enough here that I'm sure you've all noticed with even a cursory glance at this journal how much it has been on my mind. Ten Clan has been a large part of that reflection.

Quick background for those who are new to me and my journal (*waves*). Ten Clan refers to a particular set of cousins on my father's side of the family. I had a falling out with our clan head. No, this was not a cult. It was called a clan in much the way you might refer to a Japanese clan or a Scottish clan. Ten is a Japanese word for "the heavens above". Yes, I have some Japanese in my blood on my father's side.

Anyhow, I have been thinking about them a lot lately. I wonder if things hadn't gone all pear-shaped with Kinjou what they would think of my present family. I see the two families as something completely different really. The family I have now is more like a marriage. I live with people I'm not related to by blood, we don't plan on ever separating, and we are raising our children together as siblings. What more is a marriage if not that? Sure there is usually sex involved within a marriage and I'm not banging anyone here but if sex is necessary in a relationship for you to consider it valid, you aren't someone I want to talk to anyhow. That's how I explained my living situation to my conservative doctor mother and step-father. They are fairly accepting of it all but as usual worry about me being hurt. They worry about that all the time and it is hard for them to really grasp things since they are so very far away. I was so glad that they got to come out and finally meet my family last year. It was terribly nice to show off my housemates and my sprog to my mother. I talk to my mom about how things are here all the time. She always asks how people are and wants to be kept up-to-date on things. I wish she could visit more. It is nice to know that she likes everyone here and even if she doesn't necessarily understand fully what I'm doing that she supports my choice in life. She always asks questions about things and tries so hard to understand. I think she'll get there someday. She asked me recently what would I do if I was dating some boy and we decided to get married but he didn't want to stay here. I told her that obviously he wasn't the man for me and I'd have to let him go. She worries about things like this and I can't blame her but she has never judged me harshly. LOL I started this to ramble about Ten Clan and I start thinking about my mom. I should call her soon. I wonder if she would be a good person to point at the relatives who are worried about things here. She lives far away and has similar worries. Maybe together they could talk things out and see that everyone is worried about the same things and maybe it would help?

But back to Ten Clan. I would never have moved down here if Kinjou and I had not had irreconcilable differences. I would probably still be upstate with my family and things would be much the same as they were the entire time I lived upstate. It doesn't really make sense for me to wonder what they would have thought because it would have never come up. I suspect it would have been bad though. A large part of the reason we stopped talking to one another and I finally threw in the towel was me moving off on my own to do my own thing. I don't think he could really handle that or at least that was something I always felt. I remember I noticed the really big change when I went to move in with Ali and Cate. Things got so weird around the house warming and then it spiraled down from there. There were other problems as well. I felt he was a bit too emotionally abusive and manipulative and I think he was pissed and felt I was too distant. I'm not really sure actually what he felt. He wouldn't talk to me about it and I don't remember things very well from then. I have a strange survival mechanism with emotional trauma. It isn't at all conscious and I can't seem to control it but when I take a severe enough emotional hit I just forget huge chunks of time. Most of the period I spent upstate is gone. It is a bit freaky at times to stare at something or someone and know you should know who they are or where that item came from and you just don't remember. There is just a big blank.

It was Kinjou no longer speaking to me for over a year that finally made me give up and call it quits. That mixed with everything else I just couldn't take it anymore. The break was messy. I miss people who went one way while I went the other. Friends who sided with him, family who won't speak to me anymore. I still miss them all like something is broken inside of me. You move on but still it is like a shard of glass embedded in your body. You may not always feel it but move the wrong way and it cuts you all over again. I know in my heart that this is only temporary. Someday, not soon, maybe not even this lifetime, but someday I'll see my family again and things will be okay. I hold onto that thought when I think back on the few good times I can still remember from then. When a holiday rolls around that I remember being with them. I keep that hope close to me when I see a crow fly by and I remember Y's love for them and the stories we used to tell. We all of us used to love to research ancient legends and myths. How many times would we discuss a theory together sitting around in that cramped little house they had? Soon it will be warm here and we will barbecue outside just like I did with Ten Clan on that grill I found. How many times did I cook something special? How many birthday cakes did I make? How many dinners did I prepare? I stare at katana and armor online and remember H and K and training outside with J. I remember the twins lol all of the many sets of them and the late night talks with Kinjou and Arashi. Not all my memories are gone and I hold the ones I have left tight to my heart. When a festival rolls around I try to pass my knowledge onto my children and remember the others who should be there with me but aren't because sometimes that is just how things work out.

It seems funny really. There are people you feel so connected with that they seem to complete some part of you you may not have realized was only half complete. You think that because they complete you that things should automatically work out okay. You should be able to live with them and work with them because hey they are your family or friends or soulmate or soulfamily or you feel you knew them in a past life or hell they are just so close to you now you can't imagine life without them or what ever but it doesn't always work. Maybe it is your fault or maybe it is theirs or maybe (as I really believe) it is nobody's fault but the dice fate threw when she measured your threads. It sucks when you realize that this person/these people are not going to be with you for the rest of your life like you planned. It sucks even more if you have to act on that and do the breaking yourself. Sometimes that is all you can do. You tear yourself to pieces because to do otherwise is to give into something you cannot abide.

I'm a big believer in picking yourself up again once you have fallen. I have fallen many times in my past and I'm sure I will in my future. I believe you only really fail when you fall and don't get up again. Every time you hit the bottom it gets no easier to pick up and climb the hill again but do it you must. I worry about the family I have created here. If things go tits up and we all break up I can't even think of what I'll do. This is my family. These are the people who I have built my life around. Everyday I wake up in my home with my housemates laughing/talking and usually my children screaming about something. Everyday I wake up to that cacophony I smile because that's what a family is. No, we aren't normal or typical. Yes, we are amazingly weird and we don't hide it except for where we must but it is beautiful here. This place, these people, our numerous pets, the home we are building bookshelf by bookshelf is just so fucking beautiful I cannot understand how anyone could not see it. It makes me sad when people can't see how special we've made our lives. It makes me sad for them more then anything else. What must their life be like for them to scoff and gnash their teeth at wonder bordering on divine because it doesn't fit into what they consider a normal box. How uncomfortable and cold their lives must be. How many things do they miss because of it? I feel like crying for them, for their self-inflicted blindness not because I think they are horrible but because they will never see what I see and what I see is what has brought saints to tears.

I should stop rambling soon. I tend to go on and on when I talk about family. It is a topic close to my heart. My life has not been easy in regards to family and friends and keeping people. I have moved many times and lost many people and I'm sure I will lose others as I age but I have a family now I'm helping to build and protect. I can't think of anything more important I could do with my life then that. Maybe someday I'll cure cancer and I'll get all my awards and I'll put them up on a shelf, right next to the holiday ornament Jack made me last year and the picture Gwennie drew for me when I first moved in, next to the photo of Charlie and my snakes, which lives by the card Celia made me when I was sick, and the family photo we took last year in those much talked about black shirts because it is the only color we all own. I'll cure cancer or AIDS or something amazingly special but the most special thing will still be this family and by extension all my new relatives. Maybe they don't want me with my brash attitude and purple mohawk but I'm afraid they've got me. *chuckles* I wonder who got the better end of the deal ^_~

Night LJ, sleep well.
Hi there ^_^

I have been informed recently that I have a few lurkers watching and reading my journal. I just want to say hello and welcome to the insanity that is my life. You have any questions feel free to ask. I'm a brutally honest person and don't mind personal questions. I have been informed by my housemate that my journal has been confusing of late. Now I don't think it has been at all confusing just discreet but since I know what is going on in my life I'm not the best judge. So this is an open invite to anyone watching, reading, or occasionally replying to ask me anything they want and I'll explain. For those wishing to remain anonymous I'll even answer the ones that aren't signed.

So welcome to the lurkers and Hi once again to my regular audience. My life is a bit of a ride at times. I hope you get as much of a kick out of it as I do.


PS I want goats. Bwhahaha they are all so cute! Thank you petfinder for my new addiction.

They look like stufftids!
Well fuck. So one of my housemates wrote about polyamory and our household situation on their LJ and recently unlocked all of the posts. Now there are a few people talking about how they are "just concerned about the children" and there is a slight scare about Child Protective Services being called. Plus there is a huge misconception about K and her forcing people into being poly. The entire thing is just aggravating and terrifying and makes you want to kill everyone.

I just can't think of anything to say beyond FUCK YOU. This isn't about the kids, though I'm sure if people want to be real assholes they'll use the kids as a convenient flag they can rally around. This is about people not liking what we are doing and not wanting to just come out and say it.

The chances of CPS being called are slim but the threat is real. There are very few laws out there to protect people of our ilk. Hell there are more laws to punish then help. And what really gets on my nerves is that people are just assuming the most horrible things about people they have known for years. I'm sorry to live in such a horrible society as that. *shakes head* It is just so AHHHHHHHH! I can't even think straight or write it all out.

Let me just state for the record. We do not hurt the children. This is the most child-centered household know to mankind. They are spoiled rotten and have a wonderful life. Why don't you go bother some crackwhore who lets her children into her stash.

I just... *sigh* I'm just scared. I'm annoyed and I'm scared. The chances are slim anything will happen but the chance is there. The chance has always been there and I'm just scared. For those of us in the house not blood related to one or more of the children there is nothing we could possibly do. If it came down to the parents keeping the kids but us not being able to see them my shit would be packed and I'd be gone before they'd even had to ask. But not all of the kids are related by blood either. How would they have us explain to our children that their little brother can't stay with them anymore? It was bad enough with other things I'm not going into right now. Why can't people see with their eyes. Some people would say it serves us right because we did this to our kids. I'm sorry that we have given them a great life. I'm sorry they have 7 parents who love them and give them constant attention and care. I'm sorry I care. You know what, fuck you I'm not sorry.

*shakes head* This isn't about me. This is about my family. I don't want this to sound like some poor Seo fest because really I'm not the ones in the most danger. Not yet. But I do plan on having kids someday into this family. I want to get married and spawn and one of my greatest dreams is to be able to bring home a nice girl or boy or both and show them off to my family. To make my lover(s) a part of this family. What happens later on if some "nice" neighbor decides to give a call to CPS? It is a worry a real worry.

We talked about it a long time ago and I think (for me at least) I had pushed it to the back of my head. I had fallen in love with my family and not really stepped back to look at things for a while. It is just a rude awakening. My friends are all cool with it. My mother is getting there and everyone seemed so fine with things. I just forgot what "normal" people would think. And I'm not just talking about my housemates family as I'm sure they'll come around. They are scared like us and uncertain not evil or mean or anything so no one say anything or think anything like that please. But there are others who aren't family who will be cruel and thoughtless. This isn't something we are gonna do for a few years and then give up. Families are supposed to be for life. I know the divorce rate is high now but that isn't where I want us to go. So this is something to remember for the future. And it bothers me. I don't want to hide my family because I fear the world. I want to scream and shout and rub people's noses in how fucking cool our household is. I feel smug as hell that all my friends call this the coolest household ever and want to come visit all the time. I feel smug as hell when I get compliments on my kids or my housemates. I practically want to burst every time it happens because I got stupid lucky and I'll never forget that for a second as long as I live if I can help it. I don't want to hide my family. I don't like that this happened because my housemate was trying to share how much they care about this family and how much it means to them. I just...

Anyhow it is all freaky and scary and horrible. I have shit to do today so I'm gonna go take a shower and head out. *shakes head* I just... I got nothing. I got fucking nothing.

Edit: I just expanded the entry alot. Sorry guys. I finally got my head a little more around what I wanted to say.
seorgia: (Default)
( Feb. 11th, 2008 02:02 am)
I was going to go get pierced today (probably for the wrong reasons honestly) but I was twarted by a lack of a piercer in New Paltz. Instead Jesse and I sat around the Muddy Cup drinking coffee and chatting about recent events and other random things. It was fairly pleasant. Afterwards we watched a horrible movie at her place (my choice of movie was flawed) ad then I went on home.

My head is still all over the place. I feel like I should just repeat that over and over because that is all my mind seems able to do, repeat things over and over again. I'll be home most of tomorrow catching up on school work and trying to help out around the house. I have a shagload of chores to do I just haven't had any interest in doing the past week or so. I do need to run out and get food for my lizards and take care of one or two other things. I'm leaving to visit my mom in a few days. I'm not sure if I am excited or not. I don't really like being gone from my household for that many days in a row. I miss my kids and my housemates and I have pets that require attention but I like seeing my mom. It is probably good for me to get away for a while but I really don't want to. I wish my mom lived a bit closer. Then I could visit more often without it eating a week of my time.

There are so many things I want to say to so many people right now. The thoughts crowd the back of my teeth waiting for a chance to escape. So many things it feels like drowning while awake.

Gonna head to bed now. I believe my mood has fallen again. I should go to the doctor and get things checked but it requires too much energy and I just don't care enough to bother.
seorgia: (Snake: Black Hibi)
( Feb. 9th, 2008 03:15 pm)
Early this afternoon Gryph's father passed away. Our thoughts and love are with him and we wish we could all go to Ohio to be with him. Kae is going out later tonight to fly to Ohio to be with Gryph. I am never good at these sorts of things so how about a small poem instead.

Sprays of pink blossoms
In spring you danced
childhood a song

The hum of fireflies
In summer you wed
adulthood filled work

Leaves of orange-yellow
In fall you aged
older still vivacious

Frosted glass ponds
In winter you fell
gone but remembered
seorgia: (Seo: Snowy)
( Jan. 27th, 2008 12:21 am)
Ever make your life harder then it needs to be? LOL Ever told your housemate about it and had her shake her at at you and sigh? Yeahhhhhhh..... *cackles*

So I had a fun night last night. Well other then my car tire dying a horrible death. I need to find out in the morning if I can get it fixed or if I have to buy a new tire. I spent the night over at Wyatt's at New Paltz because i was scared to drive home on the doughnut. I ended up having to do so anyway. oh well. We celebrated Jess's (not Jesse) 21st birthday. Couldn't find a bar because they were all carding BOOOOO so we had a party in the room. It was good but I am never watching Wyatt play Half-Life while drinking again. LOL I have no control over my squeaking and he tends to die alot. *laughs* Shanti made a cake and I got to help out. It was alot of fun. I'll get a picture from her or Wyatt and post it up for all to see. It is hard to cook and bake at the college.

Came home to an empty house and crashed from the tired. I don't think anyone else is awake right now. I heard Gryph out watching TV but then I heard him go to bed before I had dragged myself out of bed. A bit sad as I don't get to hang with Gryph as much as I'd like. Our schedules are drastically different. Actually now that I think about it they are going to be even more different now that I have a new semester. Blegh. Matt goes to work soon and I will be the only one home. How weird. It so seldom happens I never quite get used to the idea. I've grown very accustomed to my family being around and while I like the quiet at times I miss them when no one is home with me. Odd for a latchkey only child but I guess I used up my quiet time when I was younger. Actually it was really hard for me to adjust in the beginning. I like it now, though it gets to me at times still, but I had no idea what to do with myself in the beginning.

I've been spending alot of time thinking and contemplating my life lately. I tend to look internally frequently but more so when my life seems to be shifting drastically. Much of my time has been spent trying not to freak or lose it over things. Our little family has been together a year and a half now (well with me being involved anyhow). It has been a tough year and a half in some regards but gorgeous in others. No I'm not about to wax poetic about my family again. You all know I'm infatuated with them. The two year mark is coming up soonish. I don't think things of this sort have ever lasted for me past two years. Things went wrong and people went crazy and I don't know. I....I...hmm so many things to say. *blinks* I guess I have enough abandonment issues to choke a large yak. I doubt hey will ever fully go away. I can deal with them and I try not to ask for reassurances too often as that probably gets annoying but I still worry. The more I think about things the deeper I get inside my own head to the root of where all these issues come from. It isn't like they are exactly hidden but forest for the trees and all that. The same thoughts meander there way through my head all the time. I know the only thing that will really help is time and I have lots of that. I have the time to let things blossom and flow where they will. I will admit to wanting things quicker as I have almost no patience but I know that some things need time. As much as I worry I also don't. I have this horrible deep seated trust that things will go alright in my life. Maybe not moment to moment but overall things get better constantly. It is funny to look back at my life and the crap I've gone through and to admit to being fully sure that the gods take care of me and push me towards a good life. Ugh what a horrible sticky statement to admit to. You didn't hear me say that shhhhhhh!

So yeah worrier that I am I'm just gonna try and not do so. Things will go where they need to. I can try to go where I want but I have just found my life takes me where I need to go even if it isn't where I wanted to go. Maybe things won't work out how I want them to. Maybe I could make my life easier. Maybe I'll never be the king of all Londinium and wear a shiny hat but things will go where they need to and hopefully work out in a way that makes as many people happy as possible. I'll keep worrying and keep doing what I do and just try to enjoy the ride while I'm here.
seorgia: (Fail)
( Jan. 8th, 2008 08:53 am)
So I got really really sick yesterday. It came on very suddenly and flat out nailed me to the floor. I spent the day running a high fever in a semi-delirious haze mumbling to myself while dozing on the couch. My throat is still pretty sore and swollen but most everything else is going away. Not sure what I picked up but damn did it suck. I do have to say I love my housemates who helped me survive the sick and dealing me me begging for things like glasses of water. It was all very surreal. I suspect I'll need to sleep two or three more times and I suspect I'll be okay.
seorgia: (Default)
( Dec. 5th, 2007 06:17 pm)
I just called my mom to talk about random BS and the first words out of her mouth were "I bet you're calling me about the mall thing." "Mall thing?" "Yeah there was a big shooting down at Westroads. Some guy opened up fire..."

Holy shit! I was at school all day and didn't know. Anyhow my mom and step-father are alright and we're still waiting to hear about anyone we know if they got hurt.

What the hell has been up with the past two weeks? I mean damn!

*shakes head* Anyhow I should head home soon. Today was okay. Saw Wyatt for like two seconds and passed off a CD of gaming books. LOL He was happy. The talk with my mom went well. We've been going back and forth about what I want for my holiday present. First there was the bed and then the dog run and now (and I'm thinking the best idea yet) she could pay for some obedience lessons for my puppers. This would solve a few problems and I think works the best. I know she's still not happy with the idea of me getting this type of gift. She wants to get me something just for me. That's what she sees as a good gift. Since Kumori is the house's dog the house should be paying for stuff and I should be using my gift tokens in this fashion. In some respects I agree with her. But I was the one who wanted the dog the most, though not by any means the only one who wanted a dog, so why shouldn't I use some of my own things for the dog. Sure I'd love a new bed and what not but life in a family isn't about always getting what you want the most. I intend to use a fair portion if not all of my tax return to help bu a new stove. New extra special trips next year. You make sacrifices for the good of all. So new big or shiny new gifts for me this year. Instead maybe I'll get a better trained puppy.

Maybe if she's better trained we can start talking about that new kitten for Celia again.... *runs from Matt and Jeff*
seorgia: (Snowy)
( Oct. 24th, 2007 09:36 pm)
Scary is having family in San Diego you can't contact because you barely know them but you still care about them.

Scary is having your Mom tell you last week she is traveling through San Diego this week and not realizing what that means until discussing ways to send relief with a friend.

My Mom and Step-Dad are off on one of their yearly Old-White-and-Loaded trips. This one wandered through San Diego but they aren't there right now. Right now (as I just got off the phone with my mom) they are up in Napa Valley drinking wine and going to swank restaurants.

Gotta remember to call my mom in two hours and finish talking.
seorgia: (Snowy)
( Oct. 22nd, 2007 10:12 pm)
So I'm outside on the front porch right now just sitting here chillin' with my guard puppy. I just took her out from her evening bathroom break and I decided to stop and enjoy the night air. While sitting here I was struck by an overwhelming feeling of contentment. I know I talk about my family a lot and you are all probably sick of hearing about them. If so I'm sorry to hear that, as I suspect I will always talk about them a lot because they all just amaze me so.

As I was saying I was sitting here on the porch and I finally realized I was home. I'm sure I'll have lots of moments like this over my lifetime and each one will be special. Tonight's was all about sitting here on the porch with my little guard puppy at my side and beginning to doze off quite happily. I feel safe here at my home. I feel I can fall asleep on the porch and everything will be okay. I will wake up and things will be alright. I know that if something goes wrong there is a house-load of people behind me waiting to back me up. I can look out from my porch and everything I can see is ours. I'm sure that everyone feels this way about their house and home but it doesn't make it any less special for me.

I mean yes, there are bad times. We get in fights. Some of them quite loud and some of them quite ugly. We get on each other nerves. We want to strangle one another. But more often then any of that we spend the nights laughing like loons over something inconsequential. I cannot count the number of nights when this house has been filled to the brim with wicked loud laughter. Or the number of times I have smiled while out and about remembering some silly joke we have running. Or the times I've raced home so I could tell someone about my day or share that funny story or just in order to get home quicker.

I spent a large portion of my life moving. From the moment I was born until 8 years old I had at least 7 different addresses. Age 9 was spent in Arizona. Years 10 through 13 were spent off in Michigan and Cally going back and forth between warring parents. Then it was off to Cape Cod, MA until 16. Then back and forth between New Mexico and Massachusetts for a few years. Then to Omaha, NE. Then finally to NY where I moved around into a few different houses. Then finally to here.

This place was never supposed to be my home. It was a stop over point on my wander through life but it has become one. Every time I wake up and hear my screaming children or loud ass housemates it becomes more of one. Every time the day starts to Kae waking me up to some yummy breakfast I'm a little happier inside. Seeing Charlie grow up is amazing. Being crawled on by the Besterkids painful and spectacular. Going to all their little school things well all sorts of cool.

I expect we will have our share of problems. We are not a normal family and it is going to be difficult to figure out where we are going at times. There will be fights and tears and anger and maybe even some will leave and others will come home. I will eventually marry and he/she/they will be added into our household changing it even more. There will be new children and grandchildren. New friends and old visiting. Pets living and dying and taking over the household at times. But through it all I think our household will stand. It is different, complex and oh so beautiful. Sometimes things don't happen the way you think they will. Sometimes the places you stop for a day or a month or a year are the places you end up staying. Sometimes on nights like these, cold and dark with the chill of fall in the air, it is good to just sit out on your porch with your guard puppy watching the stars dance and dreaming the dreams you never thought you'd be able to have.
seorgia: (Default)
( Jun. 15th, 2007 02:22 am)

Anyhow so 2:30 in the morning and I'm awake. Which is funny since earlier I almost fell asleep leaning against the kitchen counter. *sighs* I have found that I must now get used to my bodies cues all over again. I actually felt the exact moment tonight when I went from sleepy to that funny lucid wakefulness that is usually followed by insomnia. It is gonna be a learning process but I think I'll get there. I'm actually tired right now but even if I stopped typing right this second and put my head back down it is unlikely I would fall asleep.

Today was actually a pretty good day. I miss the besterfolks. It is weird having such a huge chunk of us gone. On the very bright side it meant I got to spend lots of time with Kt today talking about this and that. This was very nice as honestly it is seldom Kt and I alone together just chatting. So it was very pleasant and we talked about the most random things. Then Jeff came home and joined the conversation which was nice. Jeff is another person I seldom sit down and talk with one on one or even two. We just have different schedules and things we do all day. So that was also incredibly nice and eye opening.

Kt and I (though mostly Kt) cleaned up the kitchen. LOL I only helped a bit there as I was off doing other things. I did cook most of dinner though so good trade. We are going to try and clean the carpet tomorrow night and maybe put the pallets out to fill the car port thingy. I'm going to spend part of Saturday and Sunday trying to finish getting the kids jungle gym together. It'll give me something else to do.

Job hunting is going the suck. Which is odd for me but it happens. Though I guess I haven't been searching all that long. It just feels long. More interviews tomorrow. *sigh*

I cleaned my room the other day. I was really psyched about it and I don't think anyone around the house really knew why. I mean room cleaning? Who cares? We make the kids do it all the time. But I guess for me it was just another sign that the antidepressants plus a change in other things is working. I have been trying to clean it for a while now and I just didn't have the energy. Not even so much physically. It is hard to really describe. Oh and thank you to all who gave me such lovely responses both on and off LJ to my Depression part one post. I know there are some of you I need to get back to. I will try. I'm finding more and more how many things I had let slide and sort of fall away and get ignored. Things are slowly improving so yay.

Anyhow since I'm awake I'm going to go take care of a few things online I have been meaning to. I need to get up at a reasonable time tomorrow to go to a job interview so blegh hopefully I will be tired soon. I need to rearrange my tags. God that will take forever. I think I'll put it off a little longer though. Other things to do bwhahaha!
seorgia: (Default)
( May. 26th, 2007 02:17 am)
Yeah it's me again.

It is well past 3 in the morning and I intend to be awake by 9ish to help out around the house and maybe go grocery shopping so technically I should be asleep. And, honestly, I almost was but I dragged myself away from the edge (unfortunately it is never that hard for me) to post this bit which has been running around me head.

Because of various things going on in my head and around me I just wanted to share this. I know I've posted similar things before but these aren't things I feel can be said enough. I love my family. If I ended the post here, on that one sentence, it would be enough because that is the heart of the matter. I love my family. I love every single person who is a part of it. Both those who live with me right now and those who don't. I may want to strangle any one of them at any point but that doesn't change basic facts. This life we are trying to build, this strange, non-conventional little grouping is worth it all. It was worth the heartache, it is worth the late nights, it is worth the tears, it is worth the pain, it is just plain worth it. I can't explain to you why, I'm not even sure I could show you why and if bad things happen years from now I suspect I will think the exact same thing - it is all worth it. I got to show off part of my family to another part of my family last weekend (I actually will do the graduation post at some point) and it was perfection. I wanted, no, needed my mom to meet my family and she did and it was perfect. Well okay not perfect, Gwennie threw a last minute tantrum during the toast, Matt and Jeff were late getting home and didn't warn us, and I was a little wired but still everything I wanted to happen did happen. And it was as perfect as it needed to be. My mom and stepfather visited. Mom got to bounce the closest thing she'll get to grandchildren for a few years on her knee and she got to see exactly why I'm so in love with this family. I graduated by the skin of my teeth.

I'm not actually sure where I'm going with this post or why I'm posting it. Maybe you're all sick of hearing me blather on about how much I love these people and this place. Honestly if you are what the hell are you doing reading my journal? I don't intend for what I post to change ever again and I like that feeling. I moved so much when I was a kid, and my mom had a doctor's degree to attain that I am practically reveling in the family thing. Now, I will admit it isn't perfect. I have my bad moments. I have moments of sheer and blinding jealousy and envy but they pass because those emotions are always fleeting for me. But overall things are good. Even when I feel like a waste of space things are so good it is indecent.

I'm kind of babbling here I know but well I guess what I'm getting to is if you want something, really truly want something, go for it! ANd if you don't want it enough to have the balls to try, let it go and move on to find something you want that bad. Life should never be about half-way measures. You cheat yourself adn everyone around you when you waver like an idiot. Grab what you want and hold on, because the ride doesn't get any less bumpy. Don't sit around and talk yourself out of it. Don't sabotage what you could have with doubts. Try and hard as you can because you do not get the golden life through being lazy. Yeah things are hard sometimes. Hell things are hard lots of times. Sometimes it is easier to just go with what you know instead of reaching for what you know could be soo sooo good. I was scared senseless when I moved here. I still am half the time. When one or the other of my housemates is fighting with another I get flashback from my parents fighting. I start worrying that someone is going to break up and my home will turn into crap again. I get absolutely terrified but throughout my panic I try and remember that these people want it as much as I do. That while none of us are related beyond kinship lines and the lines of friendship we want this family to become just that, a family. We want there to be grandchildren running all over the place. We want to have Jack bring home his girl(or boy)friends to torment with stories and pictures. We want to live until we are old together and I can hit people with a cane I don't need. We want to sit on our when we are really old yelling old obscene jokes and having no idea why or what they mean but knowing that it was funny once and it weirdly enough meant something special. This is what we want and because we want it bad enough we are going to make it happen. Not because we are smarter, or cooler, or better then anyone, but because we want it bad enough to work at it. And as anyone who has ever been in any type of serious relationship will tell you, if you want it to succeed then you have to put the effort and work into it. Relationships are only as good as you make them. And I think we're making this one pretty special.

*gets off the soapbox* Hmm whoops hadn't realized I had stepped up there. Well now that I have throughly bored you and hopefully made you all a little jealous I'm going to go stare at my ceiling and not sleep for a while. *sigh* Win some, you lose some.

PS If all the mosquitoes could die right now that would be good, thanks.
seorgia: (Default)
( Mar. 13th, 2007 04:32 pm)
I realize I have not bothered you strange people yet today. Time to change that. So here's where I stand:

School: The twat is redeeming herself. She says if I get everything else in on time she'll let me retake the first exam come finals. I'm okay with this. I also managed to get an A on the second part. I'm mostly caught up with everything else. I owe PL some journals and homework to Astronomy and Concepts. I start another class (Weight Lifting) tonight. I'm about to head there now.

Work: Well the morons had extra people in here while I was gone. The petty cash check is missing. Connection? Yeah so less then please to have these retards in my office.

Home: Things are pretty good. Some things not so good. None of it is going online.

I spoke with my mom yesterday about random things. It was fun. Spent class time yesterday sending text messages back and forth with Will, Scott and the Baltimore Boys. LOL I get bored and send strange messages to people. Do you want a strange message? Give me your number and let me know you don't mind if I ping you. I get bored alot.

Hmm I still haven't done the memes. I'm a bad Seo. Oh well off to school I go.
seorgia: (Default)
( Mar. 13th, 2007 11:49 am)
Hey Kibble when you see this give me a call okay? I got something important I need to talk with you about.

My Schedule this week is as follows. Tuesday (today) home after 9:45, Wednesday same, Thursday after 6:00 and Friday gone to the land of OH.


seorgia: (Default)
( Mar. 10th, 2007 03:46 pm)

Sakura Matsuri

Saturday, April 28–Sunday, April 29
 Noon–6 p.m.

Participate in New York City's "rite of spring" at Sakura Matsuri. With over 200 trees in bloom, Brooklyn Botanic Garden's flowering cherries take center stage during this phenomenal weekend celebrating Japanese culture with over 60 events and performances. Enjoy traditional Japanese music and dance, taiko drumming, ikebana flower arranging, cooking demonstrations, tea ceremonies, craft demonstrations, and workshops for both adults and children. Free with Garden admission.

Anyone interested in going? I think the kids would like it as well. I should be done with the tax job then and have more free time.  Also looks like kids get in free. Good trip for them and I shall introduce them to even more asian oriented holidays. 

And yes K, there will be "real" japanese people there. I can't wait to show them to Jack

seorgia: (Default)
( Mar. 10th, 2007 02:03 pm)
So talking with people and here are my thoughts:

You know how you think something doesn't hurt anymore. Then you have to describe it to someone or remember it and it hurts all over again. I hate that. I hate it a lot.

All great leaders are only as good as the people they surround themselves with. If you want to see how healthy they are, or how they are doing look at their closest friends and you'll see. Or better yet look at how they treat them, and you'll see even clearer.

I use my memory like a band-aid to a little child. Cover it up, forget about it, and it is all better. But it isn't all better and it never will be.

It can suck just as much that you were right as that you were wrong.

I'm not as nice a person as I play on TV. But I am nice enough to not say the things I'm thinking.

If everyone around you tells you that you are being a prick, look again it might be true.

Sometimes when you think you are really good at something you aren't. Don't lie just because you can. People aren't stupid and you are never as good at it as you think you are and if you think I'm talking about you, I probably am.

You can't save people if they don't want to be saved.

And of course the ubiquitous BOOBIES, because if I'm not amusing you or threatening to hurt someone, obviously you aren't interested in knowing me. But even one-trick ponies get tired.

Also, I would just like to say OW and FUCK, as I just caught my nipple on the door as I opened it to go it. Something about nipple rings makes you hit yourself in the nipple with doors.
seorgia: (Default)
( Feb. 9th, 2007 11:59 am)
Soooooo I found a nice little italian bakery that is directly on my way to work. YUMMMMMM! LOL I'm so bad. But this means I can now start supporting my espresso habit again. Which is bad but also means I might be able to function in the mornings. I cannot explain to you why one hour makes so much of a difference in my sleeping habits but if I have to get up before 9 I don't function as well. That and I've been super tired lately. 

I think I need to workout more (like any would be good). I found out they are opening a branch of my gym up in Middletown this spring. Which will be great for going to school but suck when I switch schools. Speaking of school I still have alot of work left to do.  I was so tired last night I spent no real time on school work before I passed right out. *sighs* I haven't had much time to spend with family lately. It has been the suck. K called me the Phantom Seo this morning. Too true actually. I get up in the morning. Go straight to work, come home, eat dinner, start my school work and crash. Welcome to my life. Christ I'm tired. 

And I swear to god if my manager doesn't stop calling people 'son' I'm going to murder him.

I'm too low on cash to hit chinatown this weekend. Oh and I got a fucking speeding ticket last night on my way to the Chinese Market that Nello told me about. *sighs* On one hand yay I found some of what I needed. On the other fuck I got a fucking ticket.

I'm so tired.

I have so much left to do for New Year. I think I might just die.
seorgia: (Moon Kitty)
( Jan. 22nd, 2007 01:22 am)
I'm not one for talking about the softer emotions in my head. It isn't something that is unique to livejournal either. Even if i know you in person the chances are we haven't ever talked about any gooey emotions and if we have, it hasn't been frequent. It isn't that I don't have the same gooey emotions as others. I just grew up in such a fashion where I stopped expressing them. There are reasons for that but I will not go into them on an open forum because it isn't polite. The reason I'm bringing this to the forefront is because that what I want to do right now. The talking about gooey things.

Feel free to skip this post.

Cut just because )
seorgia: (Moon Kitty)
( Jun. 4th, 2006 02:59 am)
I haven't gone to sleep yet tonight. Most of what I dreamed last night was emotional kinda disturbing. One line stuck with me as sometimes lines from dreams do. In the dream a close friend of mine (a RL friend) was talking to two other friends (who didn't have RL counterparts) of ours about me. We were driving in a car for reasons not really important and he said the following:

"When she decides to cut you from her life she doesn't just leave you, she deletes you from her world."

It burned and made my breath stutter even in the dream. I woke up later with that line caught in my head and unfortunately went back to sleep. That didn't go well. So I guess I'm hiding out from my own psyche right now. Honestly though I'm just not sleepy yet. I can admire the line construction though. It is haunting if nothing else. Mika is laying on my feet again. I guess it is time I go sleep.
So finally broke the strange sleep cycle which tormented me this week. If I can just keep it up through the weekend I should be ok. I am now apartment hunting for the move and I've had WAY too much coffee today. LOL I am practically vibrating at my desk and boy does that sound wrong. Think I have as much of the school stuff done as I can do. Well think I still need to send the imunization shite in. Take care of that this weekend I guess. I'm gonna start pulling boxes apart and repacking them as well. Probably start packing books and non essential stuff soon too. Don't feel like deal with it like last time. Have to figure out how we are splitting the furniture and things we've purchased together with Jen also. Oh the fun.

I'm actually looking forward to the move. Albany holds nothing else for me anymore though I'm gonna miss people up here. Atleast I'll be close enough to visit at times. Unlike Cape and the other billion places I've lived before. Good thing I kept ties in NE to a minimum, I seldom go back there.

I had a strange and fairly disturbing dream about my father last night. He was dying and I had gone to see him. I do believe it is time I track him down. The last time I had these weird thoughts my grandmother died within 6 months and I never got to say goodbye. Funny she was the only one of my bioligical family from that side I really liked. Or atleast had a chance to like. I actually know almost none of my bioligical family. I haven't even met or heard about anyone from my mom's side. They didn't get along and so I've never met them. And I've met people on my fathers side but we were never close. Only my grandmother did I really like. Never met either grandfather. It is kinda strange since most of my friends have atleast known their parents if not been fairly close. I have two uncles. One I've nevermet (mothers side) and one who I loved when a child and then hated as I grew older (father's side). One aunt who I don't like all the much or didn't when I was a kid (father's side). A billion cousins most I've never known (father's side) who knows what is on my mothers side. It's all very weird honestly. Weird to hear people talk about their families. Big or small all very weird. I don't mention it to my mom, she gets weird about it sometimes as if I'm insulting her, as if I'm saying she's not enough. Considering our relationship I don't know if I'm not or what I'm saying when I ask. Our relationship has always been so strange. I doubt it will ever not be. She has a habit of not listening to what I am saying. I think it is because we don't live near each other. She has problems believing I'm not the same exact person I was when I was younger. Oh well it'll all work out. I'm not too worried about it things are better with her. Strange what qualifies as better.

So I need to ask her for my cousins phone number again and brave talking with them so that I can find out if they ever tracked my father down. I can't let this go I think. I would hate for my father to die before I got to talk to him again. If only for the memories I have from being a kid. He was a good friend then. I needed a father but he was what he could be and he gave me what he could. He shouldn't have ever had a kid but I remember lots of good times from when I was a small child and lots of bad times from when I was older. I'd like to think he might be proud of me now. Not that I'm great or anything and I'm certainly not a very successful person but I'm not too horrible.

Anyhow enough mudlin thoughts while at work. It was a really disturbing dream though. I guess I've let this all sit for too long.


seorgia: (Default)


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