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It is 1:20 I should be asleep. I was instead having in-depth conversation with Murphy in the kitchen. LOL We are such dorks but it was good I needed to talk. I find it funny that I will talk things out with people now. I didn't used to. I think I'm getting old. But I like getting older. I always have liked the idea of getting older and then eventually old. Don't get me wrong. I don't like the idea of being old and unable to care for myself. I hope this never happens. But I like the idea of being an old person. I like the idea of being able to look back at a long life, take a deep breath, and die. I like that idea. I know why but it is odd for people to admit it I think. Mostly people are caught up with resenting growing older. I'm not. I hope to never be either.
Anyway I think I hashed out what was really bothering me about things. it was good to get it outside of my head and have someone pick it apart with me and to admit to what was really bothering me. Why things were really getting to me. I don't think I'll ever explain it well to others but at least I know why even if I find I am utterly embarrassed by it. I should not be embarrassed by caring about others and wanting their care and being rejected for it in the way I wanted it. I shouldn't be but I am. I feel stupid in many many ways. Now I realize this is a loaded statement. I'm not going into it on LJ. If you want to know and don't already feel free to email me. Anyhow so the conversation was nice. I need to sleep but I still can't. Oh well. So we talked. I'm going to try and find my father this month. I am a bit worried about it but I need to. I can't let it rest anymore. I have to be brave and take the step that may make me unhappy for a long time. But while my memories are warm I should not have just them. I must take the good with the bad and promise myself to always remember the man who took me fishing all the time. And who held my hand as we walked in the store. I'm fairly certain I know what I will find when I find him but I need to do it anyway. Maybe I will be wrong. I pray that i am wrong. Please let me be wrong.
Sleep now maybe, maybe not.
Anyway I think I hashed out what was really bothering me about things. it was good to get it outside of my head and have someone pick it apart with me and to admit to what was really bothering me. Why things were really getting to me. I don't think I'll ever explain it well to others but at least I know why even if I find I am utterly embarrassed by it. I should not be embarrassed by caring about others and wanting their care and being rejected for it in the way I wanted it. I shouldn't be but I am. I feel stupid in many many ways. Now I realize this is a loaded statement. I'm not going into it on LJ. If you want to know and don't already feel free to email me. Anyhow so the conversation was nice. I need to sleep but I still can't. Oh well. So we talked. I'm going to try and find my father this month. I am a bit worried about it but I need to. I can't let it rest anymore. I have to be brave and take the step that may make me unhappy for a long time. But while my memories are warm I should not have just them. I must take the good with the bad and promise myself to always remember the man who took me fishing all the time. And who held my hand as we walked in the store. I'm fairly certain I know what I will find when I find him but I need to do it anyway. Maybe I will be wrong. I pray that i am wrong. Please let me be wrong.
Sleep now maybe, maybe not.
