Blatter

I am still awake! Bwhahaha, fuck you sub-conscious! Though my awake status through amazing amounts of tiredness should surprise no one who knows of my addiction to staying up 'til the cows have come home and then gone back out again.

I'm seriously thinking of sleeping but I'm a bit gun shy after dreams of twitchyness and I hate sleeping at night. It isn't natural. There is no day star to make you warm and comfy. No wonderful noises and people to watch wander by. And besides all that being awake at night is fun. Okay, sometimes it is boring but I still rather like it. I think I've been sleeping in my car too much lately. I haven't begun feeling tired while driving but I really miss the sunlight and people at the college.

Tomorrow I go to the college to help Jesse prep for her party. I'm bringing gear and my amazing talent of doom! Bwhaha. I expect to be there cooking for a good portion of the day (squee!). I made a list of things to bring and I have a basic time-line for cooking in my head so all should go smooth. I have to prep when I wake up and then head on over early so I can drop my withdrawal from Contemporary Novel off at the SUB.

Crap I'm not sleepy anymore. I hate insomnia. You know I promised myself I would stop bitching and whining in these damn posts but fuck it. It's my damn journal and I'll be a whiny bitch if I want to. ....... Having said that um yeah I'm annoyed. Yeah, wish I could sleep. Oh and I'm hungry but it is too late to go eat anything. Oh and um ... hmmm what to bitch about? *ponders* I'm not wealthy? Damn my lack of unlimited funds. hmmmm what else? I'm thinking of strangling a friend's friend for being a complete twat. Then again that isn't new and interesting. But my life is rather boring. You I hate saying that since it isn't boring really. I've seen boring and I've seen busy, it isn't really either. My life is just, well there. I was thinking about dying the other day (I'm weird so sue me. I get bored while driving and let my mind wander) and I decided that for all I've done next to nothing with my life if I kicked the bucket like right now I will have lived a good life. It isn't perfect and I've fucked up loads of times but I think I did alright. I made more people happy then sad. I managed to gain a wonderful family and a few really good friends (and then all you other rabble :P). I've managed not to kill or seriously injure anyone to my knowledge. So all in all not bad. For all my amazing ability to fuck up and procrastinate my life tends to be pretty good. I've lost people along the way. Clan, friends, lovers and I've had my share of upsets but I guess we could count this as a win.

Having said all that I'm tired enough that I can taste the depression on the back of my tongue. I suppose I'll go try and sleep again.

You know one thing I really hate about April Fool's day is sometimes I can't tell if someone is joking or not and it is rather important. There was a death in one of my fandoms posted about yesterday and I just can't be sure. I feel like an ass for asking so I'm not gonna. Someone did something like this year before last in the same fandom so now I'm just confused and I'm not sure what I should feel. Shit, it looks like it is real. Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Shit, shit, shit, shit

Well fuck. So one of my housemates wrote about polyamory and our household situation on their LJ and recently unlocked all of the posts. Now there are a few people talking about how they are "just concerned about the children" and there is a slight scare about Child Protective Services being called. Plus there is a huge misconception about K and her forcing people into being poly. The entire thing is just aggravating and terrifying and makes you want to kill everyone.

I just can't think of anything to say beyond FUCK YOU. This isn't about the kids, though I'm sure if people want to be real assholes they'll use the kids as a convenient flag they can rally around. This is about people not liking what we are doing and not wanting to just come out and say it.

The chances of CPS being called are slim but the threat is real. There are very few laws out there to protect people of our ilk. Hell there are more laws to punish then help. And what really gets on my nerves is that people are just assuming the most horrible things about people they have known for years. I'm sorry to live in such a horrible society as that. *shakes head* It is just so AHHHHHHHH! I can't even think straight or write it all out.

Let me just state for the record. We do not hurt the children. This is the most child-centered household know to mankind. They are spoiled rotten and have a wonderful life. Why don't you go bother some crackwhore who lets her children into her stash.

I just... *sigh* I'm just scared. I'm annoyed and I'm scared. The chances are slim anything will happen but the chance is there. The chance has always been there and I'm just scared. For those of us in the house not blood related to one or more of the children there is nothing we could possibly do. If it came down to the parents keeping the kids but us not being able to see them my shit would be packed and I'd be gone before they'd even had to ask. But not all of the kids are related by blood either. How would they have us explain to our children that their little brother can't stay with them anymore? It was bad enough with other things I'm not going into right now. Why can't people see with their eyes. Some people would say it serves us right because we did this to our kids. I'm sorry that we have given them a great life. I'm sorry they have 7 parents who love them and give them constant attention and care. I'm sorry I care. You know what, fuck you I'm not sorry.

*shakes head* This isn't about me. This is about my family. I don't want this to sound like some poor Seo fest because really I'm not the ones in the most danger. Not yet. But I do plan on having kids someday into this family. I want to get married and spawn and one of my greatest dreams is to be able to bring home a nice girl or boy or both and show them off to my family. To make my lover(s) a part of this family. What happens later on if some "nice" neighbor decides to give a call to CPS? It is a worry a real worry.

We talked about it a long time ago and I think (for me at least) I had pushed it to the back of my head. I had fallen in love with my family and not really stepped back to look at things for a while. It is just a rude awakening. My friends are all cool with it. My mother is getting there and everyone seemed so fine with things. I just forgot what "normal" people would think. And I'm not just talking about my housemates family as I'm sure they'll come around. They are scared like us and uncertain not evil or mean or anything so no one say anything or think anything like that please. But there are others who aren't family who will be cruel and thoughtless. This isn't something we are gonna do for a few years and then give up. Families are supposed to be for life. I know the divorce rate is high now but that isn't where I want us to go. So this is something to remember for the future. And it bothers me. I don't want to hide my family because I fear the world. I want to scream and shout and rub people's noses in how fucking cool our household is. I feel smug as hell that all my friends call this the coolest household ever and want to come visit all the time. I feel smug as hell when I get compliments on my kids or my housemates. I practically want to burst every time it happens because I got stupid lucky and I'll never forget that for a second as long as I live if I can help it. I don't want to hide my family. I don't like that this happened because my housemate was trying to share how much they care about this family and how much it means to them. I just...

Anyhow it is all freaky and scary and horrible. I have shit to do today so I'm gonna go take a shower and head out. *shakes head* I just... I got nothing. I got fucking nothing.

Edit: I just expanded the entry alot. Sorry guys. I finally got my head a little more around what I wanted to say.

I am deleting last week

I've decided the entire last week from Thursday to Thursday sucked and I refuse to believe in it anymore. As such I'm going to find me some vodka and drink until there is only blackness.

I spent the latter part of today with Jesse cooking and baking up a storm. This part of my day did not suck. Of course with my mood falling to the floor every few moments I cannot guarantee I was very good company. I did get all the food cooked I was planning on so that was a win. I also managed to cover myself with floor and sugar and god only knows what else. Oh and beer later on when I was gargling the theme to the Love Boat. What can I say I get strange at times. The cake got compliments from everyone who saw it. Evidently I'm really good with an airbrush and shading. It tastes pretty good though I HATE the oven in the dorm. It turns off all the time. I kept wondering why the cake was taking so long to cook and then part of it fell in. *sigh* It seems the oven was off during the later part of the cooking. GRRRR! Anyhow it still looks and tastes spectacular and I can't wait for people to try it tomorrow. Hehehe it looks scary real even on the inside. Hehehe I am evil

My boobs hurt again. They are officially bigger as well. I'm not sure what to do about them. Even my loosest bras don't fit and they ache all day. Then I take the sucker off and it is like Christmas has come early it feels so good. Evidently it is cause my hormones are all screwy (which could account for my moods swings being worse then a pregnant woman's). So do I buy new clothing or just wait it out. *hangs head* You are evil boobies. You get no biscuit. Just the powdered sugar I poured all over you earlier in the kitchen. Damned powdered sugared boobies.

The hormone driven mood swings also explain why I can't stop crying about things I should have gotten over by now. Of course I will never admit out loud that maybe I'm pushing myself too hard. That would be admitting I'm not entirely god-like and we can't have that. Seriously though if I could just get over things and move on like I planned then well I would figure things would be better. Because this limping along being upset and crying all the time like a little bitch is just unacceptable. And besides tears never change anything. If there is one thing I've learned over the years that crying when you lose people doesn't fucking do anything so what's the point? Tears don't mean anything other then you are weak. Accept your loss and move the fuck on. You fucked up or they fucked up or something fucked up and now you deal with the pain. You burn that shit out of your head and you rip out your guts and leave it on the floor behind you. Move the fuck on, crying doesn't change things. Living is painful, so what else is fucking new?

Oh and Kibble you are a bastard! Come online and talk with me you little shit. We keep missing each other and I blame you because I am the girl and therefore it is not my fault. :P

Okay maybe I'll go stare at my ceiling for a while until I feel like posting again. I have two tests tomorrow in school. Yay!