seorgia: (Seo: Snowy)
( Apr. 10th, 2008 04:09 am)
Yes, I'm still awake. Yes, this means you get to read more insomnia induced ramblings. I'm sure you are all waiting with bated breath.

I've been thinking about loss and family frequently as of late. I've mentioned it enough here that I'm sure you've all noticed with even a cursory glance at this journal how much it has been on my mind. Ten Clan has been a large part of that reflection.

Quick background for those who are new to me and my journal (*waves*). Ten Clan refers to a particular set of cousins on my father's side of the family. I had a falling out with our clan head. No, this was not a cult. It was called a clan in much the way you might refer to a Japanese clan or a Scottish clan. Ten is a Japanese word for "the heavens above". Yes, I have some Japanese in my blood on my father's side.

Anyhow, I have been thinking about them a lot lately. I wonder if things hadn't gone all pear-shaped with Kinjou what they would think of my present family. I see the two families as something completely different really. The family I have now is more like a marriage. I live with people I'm not related to by blood, we don't plan on ever separating, and we are raising our children together as siblings. What more is a marriage if not that? Sure there is usually sex involved within a marriage and I'm not banging anyone here but if sex is necessary in a relationship for you to consider it valid, you aren't someone I want to talk to anyhow. That's how I explained my living situation to my conservative doctor mother and step-father. They are fairly accepting of it all but as usual worry about me being hurt. They worry about that all the time and it is hard for them to really grasp things since they are so very far away. I was so glad that they got to come out and finally meet my family last year. It was terribly nice to show off my housemates and my sprog to my mother. I talk to my mom about how things are here all the time. She always asks how people are and wants to be kept up-to-date on things. I wish she could visit more. It is nice to know that she likes everyone here and even if she doesn't necessarily understand fully what I'm doing that she supports my choice in life. She always asks questions about things and tries so hard to understand. I think she'll get there someday. She asked me recently what would I do if I was dating some boy and we decided to get married but he didn't want to stay here. I told her that obviously he wasn't the man for me and I'd have to let him go. She worries about things like this and I can't blame her but she has never judged me harshly. LOL I started this to ramble about Ten Clan and I start thinking about my mom. I should call her soon. I wonder if she would be a good person to point at the relatives who are worried about things here. She lives far away and has similar worries. Maybe together they could talk things out and see that everyone is worried about the same things and maybe it would help?

But back to Ten Clan. I would never have moved down here if Kinjou and I had not had irreconcilable differences. I would probably still be upstate with my family and things would be much the same as they were the entire time I lived upstate. It doesn't really make sense for me to wonder what they would have thought because it would have never come up. I suspect it would have been bad though. A large part of the reason we stopped talking to one another and I finally threw in the towel was me moving off on my own to do my own thing. I don't think he could really handle that or at least that was something I always felt. I remember I noticed the really big change when I went to move in with Ali and Cate. Things got so weird around the house warming and then it spiraled down from there. There were other problems as well. I felt he was a bit too emotionally abusive and manipulative and I think he was pissed and felt I was too distant. I'm not really sure actually what he felt. He wouldn't talk to me about it and I don't remember things very well from then. I have a strange survival mechanism with emotional trauma. It isn't at all conscious and I can't seem to control it but when I take a severe enough emotional hit I just forget huge chunks of time. Most of the period I spent upstate is gone. It is a bit freaky at times to stare at something or someone and know you should know who they are or where that item came from and you just don't remember. There is just a big blank.

It was Kinjou no longer speaking to me for over a year that finally made me give up and call it quits. That mixed with everything else I just couldn't take it anymore. The break was messy. I miss people who went one way while I went the other. Friends who sided with him, family who won't speak to me anymore. I still miss them all like something is broken inside of me. You move on but still it is like a shard of glass embedded in your body. You may not always feel it but move the wrong way and it cuts you all over again. I know in my heart that this is only temporary. Someday, not soon, maybe not even this lifetime, but someday I'll see my family again and things will be okay. I hold onto that thought when I think back on the few good times I can still remember from then. When a holiday rolls around that I remember being with them. I keep that hope close to me when I see a crow fly by and I remember Y's love for them and the stories we used to tell. We all of us used to love to research ancient legends and myths. How many times would we discuss a theory together sitting around in that cramped little house they had? Soon it will be warm here and we will barbecue outside just like I did with Ten Clan on that grill I found. How many times did I cook something special? How many birthday cakes did I make? How many dinners did I prepare? I stare at katana and armor online and remember H and K and training outside with J. I remember the twins lol all of the many sets of them and the late night talks with Kinjou and Arashi. Not all my memories are gone and I hold the ones I have left tight to my heart. When a festival rolls around I try to pass my knowledge onto my children and remember the others who should be there with me but aren't because sometimes that is just how things work out.

It seems funny really. There are people you feel so connected with that they seem to complete some part of you you may not have realized was only half complete. You think that because they complete you that things should automatically work out okay. You should be able to live with them and work with them because hey they are your family or friends or soulmate or soulfamily or you feel you knew them in a past life or hell they are just so close to you now you can't imagine life without them or what ever but it doesn't always work. Maybe it is your fault or maybe it is theirs or maybe (as I really believe) it is nobody's fault but the dice fate threw when she measured your threads. It sucks when you realize that this person/these people are not going to be with you for the rest of your life like you planned. It sucks even more if you have to act on that and do the breaking yourself. Sometimes that is all you can do. You tear yourself to pieces because to do otherwise is to give into something you cannot abide.

I'm a big believer in picking yourself up again once you have fallen. I have fallen many times in my past and I'm sure I will in my future. I believe you only really fail when you fall and don't get up again. Every time you hit the bottom it gets no easier to pick up and climb the hill again but do it you must. I worry about the family I have created here. If things go tits up and we all break up I can't even think of what I'll do. This is my family. These are the people who I have built my life around. Everyday I wake up in my home with my housemates laughing/talking and usually my children screaming about something. Everyday I wake up to that cacophony I smile because that's what a family is. No, we aren't normal or typical. Yes, we are amazingly weird and we don't hide it except for where we must but it is beautiful here. This place, these people, our numerous pets, the home we are building bookshelf by bookshelf is just so fucking beautiful I cannot understand how anyone could not see it. It makes me sad when people can't see how special we've made our lives. It makes me sad for them more then anything else. What must their life be like for them to scoff and gnash their teeth at wonder bordering on divine because it doesn't fit into what they consider a normal box. How uncomfortable and cold their lives must be. How many things do they miss because of it? I feel like crying for them, for their self-inflicted blindness not because I think they are horrible but because they will never see what I see and what I see is what has brought saints to tears.

I should stop rambling soon. I tend to go on and on when I talk about family. It is a topic close to my heart. My life has not been easy in regards to family and friends and keeping people. I have moved many times and lost many people and I'm sure I will lose others as I age but I have a family now I'm helping to build and protect. I can't think of anything more important I could do with my life then that. Maybe someday I'll cure cancer and I'll get all my awards and I'll put them up on a shelf, right next to the holiday ornament Jack made me last year and the picture Gwennie drew for me when I first moved in, next to the photo of Charlie and my snakes, which lives by the card Celia made me when I was sick, and the family photo we took last year in those much talked about black shirts because it is the only color we all own. I'll cure cancer or AIDS or something amazingly special but the most special thing will still be this family and by extension all my new relatives. Maybe they don't want me with my brash attitude and purple mohawk but I'm afraid they've got me. *chuckles* I wonder who got the better end of the deal ^_~

Night LJ, sleep well.
To die and part is a less evil; but to part and live, there, there is the torment. ~George Lansdowne

How do you say goodbye to someone? What special things do you need to say and what can you leave go? Goodbyes are the hardest thing in the world. To condense down all that feeling into a few simple words seems so impossible. There are times when you must do it, there is no other choice; but what do you say?

"I miss you. I'll always miss you." Are these good things? How do you write a goodbye? I think you put everything you are and ever have been on the page in as few words as possible. You lay it all out and you give everything because goodbyes can be forever. This is the last thing they will have of you. Goodbyes aren't always bad. I guess I like closure in my life a lot. Or maybe I just always have something more to say later. I just need to say goodbye that one last time because sometimes that's all there is left to do.

So I wrote my goodbye and now I'm sending it. I'm gonna miss people. I'm gonna miss um a lot but sometimes goodbye is okay. Not happy but okay.

Funny how the world boils down to okay. You wake up as a child and you think the world will be happy and ecstatic but it isn't. Happiness is a split second of wonderful and an hours of work.

LOL this isn't an emo post though I can see where it rather reads like one. I'm really okay right now. I'm sad but not broken just a bit sad. It is okay to be sad. So many people want to cover up when they are sad. We are a culture built upon the idea that you must be happy and if you aren't happy something is wrong and here is a little pill to fix it. Now I take some of those pills but they make the chemicals in my brain normal. I'm not happy all the time. I can be sad and hurt and depressed but to a normal level and that is okay. Right now I'm .... I'm good. I take pains to move my life forward over every bump and hurtle. I fall down and scrap my knees and as long as I pick myself up and keep going I count that as a win. I'm not going to end in first place but I don't care.

So yeah I'm okay. I'm sad and I'm really missing people in my life who have gone away or who are going away. Funny how many people come and go in you life over a period of time. I'm only 26 and there are so many holes where people used to be. I never stop missing them but it fades to the back of my head. I don't think you should stop missing people. If you are important to me you'll always be important to me and I'll always miss you even if you aren't around and can't be around.

So *raises glass* here's to the people I miss. Everyone who is gone from me, everyone I don't see much, everyone I see all the time but wish I could see more, everyone I've ever loved just a little bit. I hope your lives are good and happy because that's what we strive for everyday and that's what you should live for.
I've decided the entire last week from Thursday to Thursday sucked and I refuse to believe in it anymore. As such I'm going to find me some vodka and drink until there is only blackness.

I spent the latter part of today with Jesse cooking and baking up a storm. This part of my day did not suck. Of course with my mood falling to the floor every few moments I cannot guarantee I was very good company. I did get all the food cooked I was planning on so that was a win. I also managed to cover myself with floor and sugar and god only knows what else. Oh and beer later on when I was gargling the theme to the Love Boat. What can I say I get strange at times. The cake got compliments from everyone who saw it. Evidently I'm really good with an airbrush and shading. It tastes pretty good though I HATE the oven in the dorm. It turns off all the time. I kept wondering why the cake was taking so long to cook and then part of it fell in. *sigh* It seems the oven was off during the later part of the cooking. GRRRR! Anyhow it still looks and tastes spectacular and I can't wait for people to try it tomorrow. Hehehe it looks scary real even on the inside. Hehehe I am evil

My boobs hurt again. They are officially bigger as well. I'm not sure what to do about them. Even my loosest bras don't fit and they ache all day. Then I take the sucker off and it is like Christmas has come early it feels so good. Evidently it is cause my hormones are all screwy (which could account for my moods swings being worse then a pregnant woman's). So do I buy new clothing or just wait it out. *hangs head* You are evil boobies. You get no biscuit. Just the powdered sugar I poured all over you earlier in the kitchen. Damned powdered sugared boobies.

The hormone driven mood swings also explain why I can't stop crying about things I should have gotten over by now. Of course I will never admit out loud that maybe I'm pushing myself too hard. That would be admitting I'm not entirely god-like and we can't have that. Seriously though if I could just get over things and move on like I planned then well I would figure things would be better. Because this limping along being upset and crying all the time like a little bitch is just unacceptable. And besides tears never change anything. If there is one thing I've learned over the years that crying when you lose people doesn't fucking do anything so what's the point? Tears don't mean anything other then you are weak. Accept your loss and move the fuck on. You fucked up or they fucked up or something fucked up and now you deal with the pain. You burn that shit out of your head and you rip out your guts and leave it on the floor behind you. Move the fuck on, crying doesn't change things. Living is painful, so what else is fucking new?

Oh and Kibble you are a bastard! Come online and talk with me you little shit. We keep missing each other and I blame you because I am the girl and therefore it is not my fault. :P

Okay maybe I'll go stare at my ceiling for a while until I feel like posting again. I have two tests tomorrow in school. Yay!
seorgia: (Seo: What Makes Me Real?)
( Mar. 29th, 2008 02:28 pm)
Oh look it is 2:30 and I'm just getting up. Thank you WoW for keeping me up later then I intended. I actually woke up much earlier for a while and just stayed in bed listening to the horrendously loud sounds of my children playing and romping through the house. I really quite missed them all. They were playing some game based on the chaotic deck I think.

Oh well, I had gotten less then 15 hours sleep for the past four days so it was good to crash for a while.

I feel rather odd right now. I wish my life was different in some ways. No, that's not true. I wish I didn't have to make some choices I know I needed to make. I want a fairy tale that doesn't exist; everyone wants that and making those horrible choices is part of being an adult. Making sure I stay sane as possible and working towards being a better person is important. That means sometimes I'm not happy with what I have to choose but I do it anyway. I wish knowing this made it easier like you get some magical instant grown up card that lets you rip out your guts and not feel it when you turn 18 but you don't get anything that wicked. When you are young it looks easy to be a grown-up. You see your parents making hard choices but you don't really see it. I watched my mother do things that amaze me as an adult today but as a child I was too self-centered to really see beyond what I wanted. You look at your parents and can't wait to be them. You can't wait to drive and drink and be free to do what ever you want but you aren't free and somehow that seems like the cruelest joke.

I miss my Clan. I mourn the choices I had to make to keep me sane. I know I am better off now then I would be had I stayed and let things continue to deteriorate but I still miss them. It was a family unlike the one I had now and it hurts still that they are gone. Not all of them are lost to me but if you have five brothers and two you no longer talk to do the remaining three make everything alright? Of course not but that is how it has to be at times. I miss my father. I wonder about him at times. Should I go find him? Should I let him die without ever talking to him again? What if I find him now and he destroys all the good memories I have of him as a child. How do I want to remember my father? As the man who taught me to fish, to defend myself, and to laugh at everything or the druggy I'm told he has become? I'm not sure and I know that clock is running out. I'm not even sure how to find him anymore.

Finally, I mourn the present choice I am making. It is one I do not make lightly and hate the doing of but I feel I must. I can't do what I did with Roger again. I can't have another year and a half of not knowing where I stand with a friend I'm close to, I'm just not strong enough anymore. I wish I wasn't this weak but it is no ones fault this time. The deeper I let you in the more solid I need the ground I stand on to be. I'm not good at sharing what I really feel. I'm not good at feeling things at all really. At times I've described myself as I functional sociopath and I mean it. Some behaviors I've just plain had to learn by rote, by watching people around me interact and mimicking them. It sounds like what everyone does but it isn't quite like that. Maybe my present choice reflects that most of all. I care about his feelings. I really do. I understand he needs time to deal with things and that him not wanting to talk is reasonable. Neither one of us did anything wrong to one another, though maybe I am, at present, doing something horrible. But the not knowing makes me insane. The not talking drives me crazy. All of it eats my attention and destroys my concentration. If I was a teenager and the worst I had to worry about was getting up and going to high school maybe I could do it but I doubt it. It tore me up then too but I just... well that's a different topic.

I don't want to be an adult. I want to scream and cry and throw a tantrum the likes of which Gwennie can barely imagine. I want to yell and cry and hit him and talk to him and shake the world to dust but I'm not going to. I'm going to be an adult and stay the present course. He needs time to deal with the changes in his life and I can't give it to him, not and have him as a part of my life. I wish I was stronger because he isn't asking much ad he deserves that time. I wish I wasn't so broken. But I'm none of those things and all I can do is try and be as sane, as healthy, as I can be for my family and for myself. That means saying goodbye to a friend I care about. Not because he is horrible or asking for something unimaginable but because I just can't deal with so much uncertainty.

I guess I'll go run my errands for the day. I should probably eat something since I didn't bother to yesterday.
seorgia: (Seo: Snowy)
( Jan. 27th, 2008 12:21 am)
Ever make your life harder then it needs to be? LOL Ever told your housemate about it and had her shake her at at you and sigh? Yeahhhhhhh..... *cackles*

So I had a fun night last night. Well other then my car tire dying a horrible death. I need to find out in the morning if I can get it fixed or if I have to buy a new tire. I spent the night over at Wyatt's at New Paltz because i was scared to drive home on the doughnut. I ended up having to do so anyway. oh well. We celebrated Jess's (not Jesse) 21st birthday. Couldn't find a bar because they were all carding BOOOOO so we had a party in the room. It was good but I am never watching Wyatt play Half-Life while drinking again. LOL I have no control over my squeaking and he tends to die alot. *laughs* Shanti made a cake and I got to help out. It was alot of fun. I'll get a picture from her or Wyatt and post it up for all to see. It is hard to cook and bake at the college.

Came home to an empty house and crashed from the tired. I don't think anyone else is awake right now. I heard Gryph out watching TV but then I heard him go to bed before I had dragged myself out of bed. A bit sad as I don't get to hang with Gryph as much as I'd like. Our schedules are drastically different. Actually now that I think about it they are going to be even more different now that I have a new semester. Blegh. Matt goes to work soon and I will be the only one home. How weird. It so seldom happens I never quite get used to the idea. I've grown very accustomed to my family being around and while I like the quiet at times I miss them when no one is home with me. Odd for a latchkey only child but I guess I used up my quiet time when I was younger. Actually it was really hard for me to adjust in the beginning. I like it now, though it gets to me at times still, but I had no idea what to do with myself in the beginning.

I've been spending alot of time thinking and contemplating my life lately. I tend to look internally frequently but more so when my life seems to be shifting drastically. Much of my time has been spent trying not to freak or lose it over things. Our little family has been together a year and a half now (well with me being involved anyhow). It has been a tough year and a half in some regards but gorgeous in others. No I'm not about to wax poetic about my family again. You all know I'm infatuated with them. The two year mark is coming up soonish. I don't think things of this sort have ever lasted for me past two years. Things went wrong and people went crazy and I don't know. I....I...hmm so many things to say. *blinks* I guess I have enough abandonment issues to choke a large yak. I doubt hey will ever fully go away. I can deal with them and I try not to ask for reassurances too often as that probably gets annoying but I still worry. The more I think about things the deeper I get inside my own head to the root of where all these issues come from. It isn't like they are exactly hidden but forest for the trees and all that. The same thoughts meander there way through my head all the time. I know the only thing that will really help is time and I have lots of that. I have the time to let things blossom and flow where they will. I will admit to wanting things quicker as I have almost no patience but I know that some things need time. As much as I worry I also don't. I have this horrible deep seated trust that things will go alright in my life. Maybe not moment to moment but overall things get better constantly. It is funny to look back at my life and the crap I've gone through and to admit to being fully sure that the gods take care of me and push me towards a good life. Ugh what a horrible sticky statement to admit to. You didn't hear me say that shhhhhhh!

So yeah worrier that I am I'm just gonna try and not do so. Things will go where they need to. I can try to go where I want but I have just found my life takes me where I need to go even if it isn't where I wanted to go. Maybe things won't work out how I want them to. Maybe I could make my life easier. Maybe I'll never be the king of all Londinium and wear a shiny hat but things will go where they need to and hopefully work out in a way that makes as many people happy as possible. I'll keep worrying and keep doing what I do and just try to enjoy the ride while I'm here.
seorgia: (Default)
( Mar. 10th, 2007 02:03 pm)
So talking with people and here are my thoughts:

You know how you think something doesn't hurt anymore. Then you have to describe it to someone or remember it and it hurts all over again. I hate that. I hate it a lot.

All great leaders are only as good as the people they surround themselves with. If you want to see how healthy they are, or how they are doing look at their closest friends and you'll see. Or better yet look at how they treat them, and you'll see even clearer.

I use my memory like a band-aid to a little child. Cover it up, forget about it, and it is all better. But it isn't all better and it never will be.

It can suck just as much that you were right as that you were wrong.

I'm not as nice a person as I play on TV. But I am nice enough to not say the things I'm thinking.

If everyone around you tells you that you are being a prick, look again it might be true.

Sometimes when you think you are really good at something you aren't. Don't lie just because you can. People aren't stupid and you are never as good at it as you think you are and if you think I'm talking about you, I probably am.

You can't save people if they don't want to be saved.

And of course the ubiquitous BOOBIES, because if I'm not amusing you or threatening to hurt someone, obviously you aren't interested in knowing me. But even one-trick ponies get tired.

Also, I would just like to say OW and FUCK, as I just caught my nipple on the door as I opened it to go it. Something about nipple rings makes you hit yourself in the nipple with doors.
seorgia: (Moon Kitty)
( Jun. 4th, 2006 02:59 am)
I haven't gone to sleep yet tonight. Most of what I dreamed last night was emotional kinda disturbing. One line stuck with me as sometimes lines from dreams do. In the dream a close friend of mine (a RL friend) was talking to two other friends (who didn't have RL counterparts) of ours about me. We were driving in a car for reasons not really important and he said the following:

"When she decides to cut you from her life she doesn't just leave you, she deletes you from her world."

It burned and made my breath stutter even in the dream. I woke up later with that line caught in my head and unfortunately went back to sleep. That didn't go well. So I guess I'm hiding out from my own psyche right now. Honestly though I'm just not sleepy yet. I can admire the line construction though. It is haunting if nothing else. Mika is laying on my feet again. I guess it is time I go sleep.


seorgia: (Default)


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