seorgia: (Emotion: Lost)
( May. 8th, 2008 05:04 pm)
I should be at a party right now. I promised I would go and bring something with me but I'm not there because I can't stomach the idea of watching Wyatt turn away from me to look elsewhere.

It shouldn't be this way. That shouldn't effect my decision to go or stay at a party but it still does. I shouldn't still be wrapped up in a friend who doesn't want to even look at me. I shouldn't but I am. If I can avoid being near him or even the chance of being near him for another week or so it won't be an issue until the fall and maybe I'll have stopped caring by then. You never know.

I was at another party he also attended a few days ago. It was at a bar and I had my game face on. I was being charming and cute which is what I do at parties and gatherings. I can make almost anyone like me if I try. They may not stay that way but people generally like having me around. I'm good at being fun to be around. It is a talent like being good at baking or swearing, just something you learn how to do to survive. So I'm at this party and I go to the bar to order Chocolate Cake Shots because I've convinced everyone to try them and soon I am literally surrounded by the rest of the party and getting them to laugh and order shots with me and Wyatt is right there but not laughing and he won't order shots. When I come up to where you order I have to be near him and as i walk up there is the normal skittering glances. I can always see when he looks my way because I'm usually watching without looking his way. I'm stealthy like that. He is nursing a beer and talking with Jess. We get the shots and there are jokes and things and he turns around away from it all-- away from me. Me, who like a moron, is standing right there next to him because I was being stupid and polite or something. Who knows what I was thinking but it was stupid because that is what stuck with me. After the excuses and the leaving the turning away is what stuck with me. A whole party, new people, lots of attention and that's what sticks. Who even knows what or why he turned away. I'm probably being egotistical and paranoid that it had anything to do with me but that's what it felt like.

So today I stayed home because even if that isn't what it was I don't want to deal with that happening again today. I don't want to see his skittering glances again and again and then watch him walk away or turn the other way. I don't want to see him around campus and know that even if I'm in the same room with the same group he won't greet me. I've got to write this all out and get it out of my head though. I stopped syndication to my Facebook because everyone on there knows both of us and I don't really want to share this over there. Maybe if I write it out more often it will get out of my head. None of this should matter at this point but it still does because I'm stupid. Kibble is right. I always hold onto the people that kick me in the face the hardest and I'm trying to stop.

*sigh* I guess that's all for now. I'm actually a bit tired. I was up stupid early today. I'm still getting used to the meds and the timing of them. Maybe I'll take a quick nap before dinner. Bye LJ.
seorgia: (Cat: Purple Kitten)
( Apr. 19th, 2008 04:33 pm)
I am an animal lover. I adopt pets constantly. I would have more but my housemates would in fact kill me. I enjoy caring for them and watching them grow. I give to animal charities. I have volunteered before at shelters. This is what I do do with my time and money to help pets and animals around the world. I ran into an article today about animal abuse that just made me sick all over again.

I'm sure other people have already heard about it but I don't watch the news frequently. Down in Costa Rica some "artist" decided to display a sick and starving dog in a gallery and to let it die there while people watched. He has said many different things about why he did this. People have all reacted differently. Many people want to hurt him. Others applaud his ballsieness. Then there are those who say it was shameful but try and justify it. I'm not sure what camp I fall into honestly. I understand why someone might think this idea had merit. Some of why he said he did it makes sense. I agree we need to pay more attention to the starving and dying animals of this world, humans included. I just do not think this is the way to do it. If you wanted to show that dogs are starving on the street go take pictures. Do something that qualifies as art not torture. Sure that dog would probably have died on the streets. I agree with you there but to me there is a difference in an animal dying in a natural, though unfortunate way, and an animal dying for your amusement and fame because that is what this was about and why it gets to me. Yes, he may have in fact actually cared about the starving dogs. I'll let that one slide though I have my doubts. But if you really cared you wouldn't use something like this to illustrate your point. If you want something sensational that will get you noticed there are other ways that will probably work just as well. Hell stack up a pile of rotting dog carcasses if you want, I bet you people would have noticed that. This just seems unnecessarily cruel in some fashion. I wish I was more eloquent. I wish I could make people see that if you really want to change the world you shouldn't feed into the same horrible cycles.

Look I am a bad person. I want to do bad things all the time. I control myself because I understand social boundaries not because I think some things are wrong or because I don't want to do them. I know I'm wired badly and I compensate. If I did something like this I would not say it was because I was trying to raise awareness. I would not sugarcoat it. I do not believe that this man is really about making a difference. He may think he is, he may have at some point convinced himself he believes in that but he is like the shockjocks on the radio. He wants people to know his name and to speak of him in hushed tones. He wants the hatred and the abuse. He wants the attention and will do anything to get it. How else can you explain something like this if not for that? This is not about the animals and maybe it isn't about being a sickfuck but there is no way this is not about attention.

I just... I got nothing.

I see the world and it is horrible.

I see people doing horrible things all the time to people and animals and the world. Where am I going with this little post? I have no idea. Maybe nowhere, maybe everywhere. It just seems that somehow things shouldn't be this way and yet I know they are. I guess it boils down to this, I am crazy as hell and I can avoid doing fucked up things. Why can't other people who are supposedly saner and nicer then I? Why do people have to get outraged at something like this for it to not happen? Shouldn't there be something in people's heads that says "Oh wait bad idea"?

Anyhow I have chores to do. I want to do a bunch f stuff this weekend around the house since it will be mostly empty. Of course I intend to do most of it on Sunday and Monday as Saturday is my super lazy day.
I've decided the entire last week from Thursday to Thursday sucked and I refuse to believe in it anymore. As such I'm going to find me some vodka and drink until there is only blackness.

I spent the latter part of today with Jesse cooking and baking up a storm. This part of my day did not suck. Of course with my mood falling to the floor every few moments I cannot guarantee I was very good company. I did get all the food cooked I was planning on so that was a win. I also managed to cover myself with floor and sugar and god only knows what else. Oh and beer later on when I was gargling the theme to the Love Boat. What can I say I get strange at times. The cake got compliments from everyone who saw it. Evidently I'm really good with an airbrush and shading. It tastes pretty good though I HATE the oven in the dorm. It turns off all the time. I kept wondering why the cake was taking so long to cook and then part of it fell in. *sigh* It seems the oven was off during the later part of the cooking. GRRRR! Anyhow it still looks and tastes spectacular and I can't wait for people to try it tomorrow. Hehehe it looks scary real even on the inside. Hehehe I am evil

My boobs hurt again. They are officially bigger as well. I'm not sure what to do about them. Even my loosest bras don't fit and they ache all day. Then I take the sucker off and it is like Christmas has come early it feels so good. Evidently it is cause my hormones are all screwy (which could account for my moods swings being worse then a pregnant woman's). So do I buy new clothing or just wait it out. *hangs head* You are evil boobies. You get no biscuit. Just the powdered sugar I poured all over you earlier in the kitchen. Damned powdered sugared boobies.

The hormone driven mood swings also explain why I can't stop crying about things I should have gotten over by now. Of course I will never admit out loud that maybe I'm pushing myself too hard. That would be admitting I'm not entirely god-like and we can't have that. Seriously though if I could just get over things and move on like I planned then well I would figure things would be better. Because this limping along being upset and crying all the time like a little bitch is just unacceptable. And besides tears never change anything. If there is one thing I've learned over the years that crying when you lose people doesn't fucking do anything so what's the point? Tears don't mean anything other then you are weak. Accept your loss and move the fuck on. You fucked up or they fucked up or something fucked up and now you deal with the pain. You burn that shit out of your head and you rip out your guts and leave it on the floor behind you. Move the fuck on, crying doesn't change things. Living is painful, so what else is fucking new?

Oh and Kibble you are a bastard! Come online and talk with me you little shit. We keep missing each other and I blame you because I am the girl and therefore it is not my fault. :P

Okay maybe I'll go stare at my ceiling for a while until I feel like posting again. I have two tests tomorrow in school. Yay!
seorgia: (Emotion: Wistful)
( Feb. 14th, 2008 01:28 am)
I am amazingly tired right now. I still need to go shower and pack for my trip to see my mother tomorrow. I'm half way looking forward to it. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing my mother and step-father but I get really bored out there and I miss my family and friends. I'm seldom away from them for longer then when I visit my mom and it bugs me. I'm sure I'll end up calling home everyday like a moron to check in. Plus there is the whole flying thing which I'm really bored with doing. I've done it so much in my life that I'm basically sick to death of doing it. The seating sucks, touching strangers sucks, the waiting and security suck, only looking out the window is fun and that has gotten old. SO I'll try and sleep my way through the flight again.

I made an amazingly kick ass birthday cake for my college friend Matt today. It looked so freaking good and tasted good too, rather like girl scout thin mints. He liked it a lot and then I stuck around and chatted with him and Sean for a long while. I should have come home sooner but I don't seem them all that often and I miss hanging out with them. I'm so stupid busy from mid-December to mid-February that I don't see many folks. My shoulders are tied up in huge knots which are killing me. Blegh I so need to beg a shoulder rub off of someone soon before I die.

Time seems to have gone really wonky since the beginning of this year. It feels like the year should be half way over instead of barely begun. So much has happened and changed that it is hard keeping up with it. I'm sad about some things, I miss other things, and I'm rather pleased with like one or two things. All in all a freaking hectic start. It got worse at the beginning of Chinese New Year. LOL The rat is the beginning of the wheel and I believe it wants to start with all the things that have built up being sifted and shucked off. *sighs* I miss people. Oh boy I'm way tired. Too tired to be typing anymore before I open my big mouth anymore.

See you all Monday ^_^
seorgia: (Silly: Gonna rape you)
( Feb. 10th, 2008 01:59 am)
Oh Mercury is in retrograde. How the fuck could I have guessed that.

I hate the world at times.
seorgia: (Fail)
( Oct. 24th, 2007 04:41 pm)
So fuck. I'm sitting here trembling. I did really bad on my American Lit midterm. I've never done badly in a lit class before. *cries*
seorgia: (Purple-Green Snake)
»

HP

( Oct. 20th, 2007 11:29 pm)
So I don't read much HP stuff anymore. It just seems to piss me off every time I read something new. It is really a shame overall. I mean this was something I cared about, maybe too much. I find it to be incredibly depressing what has happened to the series overall. Now when ever I read the latest articles about it I just get mad. So I'm thinking I'm just not going to be reading them anymore. It kind feels like someone died.
seorgia: (Fail)
( Sep. 19th, 2007 01:28 am)
I'm contemplating blowing up Electronic Arts. OKay maybe not all of it because they have some game designers I would gladly bang any day of the week. (What gamer freak much? lol) But who ever decided to put on their website that the name game I want comes out on the 18th when they mean it ships from the fucking warehouse on the 18th and won't be available until the 19th needs to be horribly maimed by a large cuisinart.

Thank you I'm going to go chew on my Wii controller while I wait for a few hours. I would be less annoyed other then the fact that I have SCHOOL tomorrow and shall have a whole 12 hours where I can not possibly play my new game. WHY DO YOU TORMENT ME SO EVIL FATE GODS???? On the plus side there is no school Friday so I have days and days and days to fully rot in front of my new game.


*ponders* I believe I might have a gaming addiction problem. Oh well no 12 step programs for me. I'll just grind up old game and inject them directly into my blood stream. Kinda like a nic-patch only sharper.
*blinks* Holy shit! I just realized I haven't been up to the Albany area in like 6 months. Ughness. Hell and I haven't been to Cape Cod in like 3 years. Good god, I'm the worst friend ever.

*sighs* I need to get this whole career and money thing situated and fix this nonsense.

Such a bad friend.... bugger.
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seorgia: (Default)
( Oct. 14th, 2005 12:30 pm)
So almost started crying in the mailroom. People keep coming by to say goodbye. Ken A. one of our sales reps I guess stood up over in their meeting and said it would be a shame to lose me. The he started singing with Ariel in the mailroom and if I hadn't started laughing i was going to start crying. *sniffles* It is good to be loved but I'm so sad at the same time.
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seorgia: (Snowy)
( Oct. 14th, 2005 08:44 am)
So today is my last day at USF. I'm going to miss this place. I got up early this morning and made up goodbye/thank you notes for a bunch of my co-workers. I have more to do today during my slow hours.

I was actually doing fine, not too sad until I saw my co-worker Shawn on the way out of work yesterday. He was looking at me as if I was dying. I reassured him that I'd be in tomorrow (i.e.. today) and we said goodbye. It got to me and so instead of cooking I read for most of yesterday a trashy novel. Probably do the same tonight.

Saturday I plan on cooking a nice leg of lamb I purchased earlier in the week and we are finally going to buy a dining room table.

Not sure if they are going to throw me a party or not. Jodie mentioned something about it yesterday but who knows. People are busy and I'm truly not that important.

I'm a little excited about my new job. I hope I get to read or atleast look at some of what we are selling. I love books. Anyhow i should finish up my morning chores.
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