Is it really bad when the people on the show get their "big changes" and look the exact same?

Oh and I have decided the intestines are the party animals of the body. They just want to leap right out of the body and go out partying.

This is not always the best show to watch. It makes you start looking down at your body and you start thinking evil thought. That and you start looking at everyone around you and thinking of how you could "fix" them. LOL I have to stop watching the surgery shows for a while. *chuckles*

Oh and why are plastic surgeons always fugly? That does not fill me with the confidence. And I like features that look individual instead of factory smooth. Grrrrr....

Oh and worst feeling of the night was realizing you freaked your friend out with how horrible your past is and saying a one-off comment that you don't even realize is horrible until they react. Ha ha I'm a mutant...

Oh and funniest and most horrible comment of the night "i have explained that i am not going to catch the next razor down emo street" (not said by me)

Hot chocolate is for the win.
To die and part is a less evil; but to part and live, there, there is the torment. ~George Lansdowne

How do you say goodbye to someone? What special things do you need to say and what can you leave go? Goodbyes are the hardest thing in the world. To condense down all that feeling into a few simple words seems so impossible. There are times when you must do it, there is no other choice; but what do you say?

"I miss you. I'll always miss you." Are these good things? How do you write a goodbye? I think you put everything you are and ever have been on the page in as few words as possible. You lay it all out and you give everything because goodbyes can be forever. This is the last thing they will have of you. Goodbyes aren't always bad. I guess I like closure in my life a lot. Or maybe I just always have something more to say later. I just need to say goodbye that one last time because sometimes that's all there is left to do.

So I wrote my goodbye and now I'm sending it. I'm gonna miss people. I'm gonna miss um a lot but sometimes goodbye is okay. Not happy but okay.

Funny how the world boils down to okay. You wake up as a child and you think the world will be happy and ecstatic but it isn't. Happiness is a split second of wonderful and an hours of work.

LOL this isn't an emo post though I can see where it rather reads like one. I'm really okay right now. I'm sad but not broken just a bit sad. It is okay to be sad. So many people want to cover up when they are sad. We are a culture built upon the idea that you must be happy and if you aren't happy something is wrong and here is a little pill to fix it. Now I take some of those pills but they make the chemicals in my brain normal. I'm not happy all the time. I can be sad and hurt and depressed but to a normal level and that is okay. Right now I'm .... I'm good. I take pains to move my life forward over every bump and hurtle. I fall down and scrap my knees and as long as I pick myself up and keep going I count that as a win. I'm not going to end in first place but I don't care.

So yeah I'm okay. I'm sad and I'm really missing people in my life who have gone away or who are going away. Funny how many people come and go in you life over a period of time. I'm only 26 and there are so many holes where people used to be. I never stop missing them but it fades to the back of my head. I don't think you should stop missing people. If you are important to me you'll always be important to me and I'll always miss you even if you aren't around and can't be around.

So *raises glass* here's to the people I miss. Everyone who is gone from me, everyone I don't see much, everyone I see all the time but wish I could see more, everyone I've ever loved just a little bit. I hope your lives are good and happy because that's what we strive for everyday and that's what you should live for.
seorgia: (Seo: What Makes Me Real?)
( Mar. 29th, 2008 02:28 pm)
Oh look it is 2:30 and I'm just getting up. Thank you WoW for keeping me up later then I intended. I actually woke up much earlier for a while and just stayed in bed listening to the horrendously loud sounds of my children playing and romping through the house. I really quite missed them all. They were playing some game based on the chaotic deck I think.

Oh well, I had gotten less then 15 hours sleep for the past four days so it was good to crash for a while.

I feel rather odd right now. I wish my life was different in some ways. No, that's not true. I wish I didn't have to make some choices I know I needed to make. I want a fairy tale that doesn't exist; everyone wants that and making those horrible choices is part of being an adult. Making sure I stay sane as possible and working towards being a better person is important. That means sometimes I'm not happy with what I have to choose but I do it anyway. I wish knowing this made it easier like you get some magical instant grown up card that lets you rip out your guts and not feel it when you turn 18 but you don't get anything that wicked. When you are young it looks easy to be a grown-up. You see your parents making hard choices but you don't really see it. I watched my mother do things that amaze me as an adult today but as a child I was too self-centered to really see beyond what I wanted. You look at your parents and can't wait to be them. You can't wait to drive and drink and be free to do what ever you want but you aren't free and somehow that seems like the cruelest joke.

I miss my Clan. I mourn the choices I had to make to keep me sane. I know I am better off now then I would be had I stayed and let things continue to deteriorate but I still miss them. It was a family unlike the one I had now and it hurts still that they are gone. Not all of them are lost to me but if you have five brothers and two you no longer talk to do the remaining three make everything alright? Of course not but that is how it has to be at times. I miss my father. I wonder about him at times. Should I go find him? Should I let him die without ever talking to him again? What if I find him now and he destroys all the good memories I have of him as a child. How do I want to remember my father? As the man who taught me to fish, to defend myself, and to laugh at everything or the druggy I'm told he has become? I'm not sure and I know that clock is running out. I'm not even sure how to find him anymore.

Finally, I mourn the present choice I am making. It is one I do not make lightly and hate the doing of but I feel I must. I can't do what I did with Roger again. I can't have another year and a half of not knowing where I stand with a friend I'm close to, I'm just not strong enough anymore. I wish I wasn't this weak but it is no ones fault this time. The deeper I let you in the more solid I need the ground I stand on to be. I'm not good at sharing what I really feel. I'm not good at feeling things at all really. At times I've described myself as I functional sociopath and I mean it. Some behaviors I've just plain had to learn by rote, by watching people around me interact and mimicking them. It sounds like what everyone does but it isn't quite like that. Maybe my present choice reflects that most of all. I care about his feelings. I really do. I understand he needs time to deal with things and that him not wanting to talk is reasonable. Neither one of us did anything wrong to one another, though maybe I am, at present, doing something horrible. But the not knowing makes me insane. The not talking drives me crazy. All of it eats my attention and destroys my concentration. If I was a teenager and the worst I had to worry about was getting up and going to high school maybe I could do it but I doubt it. It tore me up then too but I just... well that's a different topic.

I don't want to be an adult. I want to scream and cry and throw a tantrum the likes of which Gwennie can barely imagine. I want to yell and cry and hit him and talk to him and shake the world to dust but I'm not going to. I'm going to be an adult and stay the present course. He needs time to deal with the changes in his life and I can't give it to him, not and have him as a part of my life. I wish I was stronger because he isn't asking much ad he deserves that time. I wish I wasn't so broken. But I'm none of those things and all I can do is try and be as sane, as healthy, as I can be for my family and for myself. That means saying goodbye to a friend I care about. Not because he is horrible or asking for something unimaginable but because I just can't deal with so much uncertainty.

I guess I'll go run my errands for the day. I should probably eat something since I didn't bother to yesterday.
seorgia: (Seo: Snowy)
( Jan. 27th, 2008 12:21 am)
Ever make your life harder then it needs to be? LOL Ever told your housemate about it and had her shake her at at you and sigh? Yeahhhhhhh..... *cackles*

So I had a fun night last night. Well other then my car tire dying a horrible death. I need to find out in the morning if I can get it fixed or if I have to buy a new tire. I spent the night over at Wyatt's at New Paltz because i was scared to drive home on the doughnut. I ended up having to do so anyway. oh well. We celebrated Jess's (not Jesse) 21st birthday. Couldn't find a bar because they were all carding BOOOOO so we had a party in the room. It was good but I am never watching Wyatt play Half-Life while drinking again. LOL I have no control over my squeaking and he tends to die alot. *laughs* Shanti made a cake and I got to help out. It was alot of fun. I'll get a picture from her or Wyatt and post it up for all to see. It is hard to cook and bake at the college.

Came home to an empty house and crashed from the tired. I don't think anyone else is awake right now. I heard Gryph out watching TV but then I heard him go to bed before I had dragged myself out of bed. A bit sad as I don't get to hang with Gryph as much as I'd like. Our schedules are drastically different. Actually now that I think about it they are going to be even more different now that I have a new semester. Blegh. Matt goes to work soon and I will be the only one home. How weird. It so seldom happens I never quite get used to the idea. I've grown very accustomed to my family being around and while I like the quiet at times I miss them when no one is home with me. Odd for a latchkey only child but I guess I used up my quiet time when I was younger. Actually it was really hard for me to adjust in the beginning. I like it now, though it gets to me at times still, but I had no idea what to do with myself in the beginning.

I've been spending alot of time thinking and contemplating my life lately. I tend to look internally frequently but more so when my life seems to be shifting drastically. Much of my time has been spent trying not to freak or lose it over things. Our little family has been together a year and a half now (well with me being involved anyhow). It has been a tough year and a half in some regards but gorgeous in others. No I'm not about to wax poetic about my family again. You all know I'm infatuated with them. The two year mark is coming up soonish. I don't think things of this sort have ever lasted for me past two years. Things went wrong and people went crazy and I don't know. I....I...hmm so many things to say. *blinks* I guess I have enough abandonment issues to choke a large yak. I doubt hey will ever fully go away. I can deal with them and I try not to ask for reassurances too often as that probably gets annoying but I still worry. The more I think about things the deeper I get inside my own head to the root of where all these issues come from. It isn't like they are exactly hidden but forest for the trees and all that. The same thoughts meander there way through my head all the time. I know the only thing that will really help is time and I have lots of that. I have the time to let things blossom and flow where they will. I will admit to wanting things quicker as I have almost no patience but I know that some things need time. As much as I worry I also don't. I have this horrible deep seated trust that things will go alright in my life. Maybe not moment to moment but overall things get better constantly. It is funny to look back at my life and the crap I've gone through and to admit to being fully sure that the gods take care of me and push me towards a good life. Ugh what a horrible sticky statement to admit to. You didn't hear me say that shhhhhhh!

So yeah worrier that I am I'm just gonna try and not do so. Things will go where they need to. I can try to go where I want but I have just found my life takes me where I need to go even if it isn't where I wanted to go. Maybe things won't work out how I want them to. Maybe I could make my life easier. Maybe I'll never be the king of all Londinium and wear a shiny hat but things will go where they need to and hopefully work out in a way that makes as many people happy as possible. I'll keep worrying and keep doing what I do and just try to enjoy the ride while I'm here.
I realised just now that today is my fathers birthday. I put the date into my phone and it told me. I realised today that I still don't know where he is and I'm even less sure i want to. I sit here a little stunned and I'm not sure why. So I guess I should say Happy Birthday, Dad. I think I miss you but mostly you just leave me feeling kind of sad and achey inside. I hope where ever you are you are having a better day then I.
Tags:
seorgia: (PurpleKitten)
( Sep. 15th, 2005 01:20 am)
It is 1:20 I should be asleep. I was instead having in-depth conversation with Murphy in the kitchen. LOL We are such dorks but it was good I needed to talk. I find it funny that I will talk things out with people now. I didn't used to. I think I'm getting old. But I like getting older. I always have liked the idea of getting older and then eventually old. Don't get me wrong. I don't like the idea of being old and unable to care for myself. I hope this never happens. But I like the idea of being an old person. I like the idea of being able to look back at a long life, take a deep breath, and die. I like that idea. I know why but it is odd for people to admit it I think. Mostly people are caught up with resenting growing older. I'm not. I hope to never be either.

Anyway I think I hashed out what was really bothering me about things. it was good to get it outside of my head and have someone pick it apart with me and to admit to what was really bothering me. Why things were really getting to me. I don't think I'll ever explain it well to others but at least I know why even if I find I am utterly embarrassed by it. I should not be embarrassed by caring about others and wanting their care and being rejected for it in the way I wanted it. I shouldn't be but I am. I feel stupid in many many ways. Now I realize this is a loaded statement. I'm not going into it on LJ. If you want to know and don't already feel free to email me. Anyhow so the conversation was nice. I need to sleep but I still can't. Oh well. So we talked. I'm going to try and find my father this month. I am a bit worried about it but I need to. I can't let it rest anymore. I have to be brave and take the step that may make me unhappy for a long time. But while my memories are warm I should not have just them. I must take the good with the bad and promise myself to always remember the man who took me fishing all the time. And who held my hand as we walked in the store. I'm fairly certain I know what I will find when I find him but I need to do it anyway. Maybe I will be wrong. I pray that i am wrong. Please let me be wrong.

Sleep now maybe, maybe not.
.

Profile

seorgia: (Default)
Seorgia

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Powered by Dreamwidth Studios

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags