seorgia: (Emotion: Lost)
( Apr. 4th, 2008 11:07 pm)
Chocolate cake shots for the win!!!! Squee! Drunk on!
seorgia: (Emotion: Funny Betrayal)
( Apr. 4th, 2008 12:58 am)
I'm drunk!!!!!

I'm on campus in Lenape hall using their computer because my laptop's battery is low.

I'm also depressed. I blame the drunk. Of course I was depressed before the drunk but there you go.

I also just got in a car accident. I have taped my front bumper back on. While I was waiting for Jesse to let me in and use the computer I was reading a poster about drunk driving and accidents. It was funny.

I'm not going home tonight because I'm the drunk and I fucked my car up. I wasn't planning on it after the shots. I don't actually recall how many and then there was the hard cider. I'm not too too drunk. Just very buzzed.

I'll probably write more soon. I believe the alcohol has decided to finally hit.
So I upgraded my drugs yesterday. Hmm I feel kinda like a drug addict even saying that. Hell admitting to taking even doctor prescribed things (the only drugs I take) makes me feel like less of a person but there you go. At some point I got it into my head that I must be the most macho person around and never admit to a weakness. I've been working on that, as I'm sure anyone who even vaguely watches this LJ ill be aware of since I whinge on about things so frequently.

Anyhow yes so I'm now up to 20mg a day of Lexapro and we are now back to the getting used to it stages. Honestly, my system seems to like it well enough but it does cause me to be amazingly sleepy for the first week or three. Like almost to a stupid amount. I just want to sleep or lay in bed kind of sleeping. I skipped classes today because I wasn't entirely sure I should be driving I was reaaaaaaally sleepy. I was talking with Kae about my sleeping habits and she feels I've been sleeping way more then I thought I was sleeping. I'm not entirely sure she is wrong so I've decided to keep a sleep journal just to monitor it all. Should be rather interesting to see. Of course the next few weeks aren't going to count. Hell even now I just feel foggy and my hands feel too heavy to type. It fades though so I'm not worried. Hopefully it will work out better. Mmmm i love that I'm going to be a druggy for the rest of my life. Just makes me want to go put a bullet in my brain pan but I guess that's why I'm there in the first place.

It is amazing the scars your parents leave behind that you aren't even aware of until much later in life.

I swear I had more to post but I'm thinking sleep is soon to be taking over and I don't want to drool on my keyboard. That and after a cursory check for spelling errors found a billion I'm not sure I'm actually typing legitimate words. Mmmm goobly-gook
seorgia: (Emotion: Angry)
( Mar. 11th, 2008 08:33 pm)
Sometimes I wish I was a proper sociopath. I have this odd feeling it would make some things so much easier to deal with. Occasionally one feels like they've been punched in the gut or cut so deep you don't feel it 'til later when you look down and see the blood.

On a brighter note I have another bruise on my arm from some unknown place. I didn't used to bruise this bad I swear. So that's two inside of a week I can't figure out how I got. I must be fighting in my dreams or something because this is just getting ridiculous.

It is cold as hell in my room and I believe sleep is in order. Oh and I have found the only mosquitoes in the world that like it below freezing. Fuckers already started biting me. I killed one yesterday. Haha bitches, I'll get you all yet. So that's one down and .... oh bother a few billion to go.

Speaking of bother.... IT'S NAKED TIME!



Haha take that bad mood. Naked Dumbledore! Haha burn motherfucker burn. HAHAHA Oh yeah and the word of the day is Infidel! Heh heh heh....
seorgia: (Emotion: Sadness)
( Mar. 4th, 2008 11:28 am)
So the bubble of goodness which was this weekend burst. I mean, I knew that I couldn't fix my head or my problems by leaving for a hella good weekend but I was hoping for another day or two of goodness before my head decided to be a bastard again. Oh well, such is life.

I'm sitting here chillin' in my car (which desperately needs to be cleaned but it is raining outside ugh! so I'm not gonna) waiting for my next class to start. I bombed my last accounting test. Fuck. I'll just have to buckle down harder. I miss really stupid things too. I think I was just not in the headspace I needed to be to take the test. I can still make it up though. I have an exam in my next class as well. Hopefully I'll do alright. I'm fairly comfortable with the material so here's to hoping. I have another exam next week and I think one in math as well. I also have a hardcore paper due on Thursday. I can see tomorrow is going to be study central.

Some out-of-town friends are flying in this weekend and we are all going clubbing in the city. I can't wait. *sigh* I know that I can't fix my issues with constant distractions but it is so tempting to do so. Then again I can't really fix them anyhow so I might as well distract myself with something fun. The weekend after that we are doing something on St. Patty's day though I thought it was on the weekend but now I looked at the calendar and it seems it is on a Monday and I am the confused. That will also be the week of spring break and the Bestermans being gone. I have no idea what I'm doing all of spring break. I talked with Jesse about possibly running some Exalted. With campus being closed we'll have to gank people from their homes. On the plus side with the Bestermans being gone we can game as late as we want and not wake the kids. I think the Mortons might be out of town during part of that time as well but I might be confused with something else. Either way I know I'm gonna be gaming a bit this weekend with my Vampire group. Matt P. has said the Sabbat will hunt us down if we don't show on Saturday. LOL Gaming and clubbing all in one day; I do believe I'm a spoiled, spoiled girly.
seorgia: (Emotion: Sadness)
( Feb. 28th, 2008 11:37 pm)
It is cold and my head needs to be removed.

On another note I need to rewatch The Last Unicorn. I got a bunch of use icons for it a while back and I haven't seen it in an age. That and I want to reread it. My copy is buried somewhere. Maybe I'll buy a new one.
seorgia: (Emotion: Lost)
( Feb. 28th, 2008 02:40 pm)
Aghhhh stupid headache go away!!! I don't like you very much. You are not making my day any better.

On the plus side I'm going to see The Mist in a real theater. The dollar theater near my school is playing it and I'm going.

On the not plus side I'm fairly depressed and happily not caring about the world or anything in it. At least I wish I wasn't. Instead my brain seems very determined to go over the same thoughts repeatedly. Bwhaha fuck you brain I shall rot you with horrible movies. Take that bitch! There is no depression there is only Zule motherfucker!

Ugh I should eat something today I think, besides that five fruit-roll ups I had earlier for brunch. Bleh such a waste of time tracking down food. Only really want protein. been on a major protein kick lately. Mmmm wings and steak.

The stupid vampire song by the Smashing Pumpkins is stuck in my head. I blame the Kheprians of course. Specifically Gryphon. Grr you evil vampire!

The sun is out today and it is very warm. I think I wish I was a plant so I could lay around in the sunlight all the time and be quiet. I like the sun. I spent my free time between classes in my car stretched out in a sunbeam. I wish I had fur like my cat to get all warm and toasty in the sun. Mostly I just wish I was something else that didn't think too much and get headaches like ice picks in your brain. Mostly I'll just be happy when the 12th rolls around. I gots wicked surprise plans.

God I wish my head would stop hurting. Fucking stress headaches.
seorgia: (Default)
( Feb. 11th, 2008 02:02 am)
I was going to go get pierced today (probably for the wrong reasons honestly) but I was twarted by a lack of a piercer in New Paltz. Instead Jesse and I sat around the Muddy Cup drinking coffee and chatting about recent events and other random things. It was fairly pleasant. Afterwards we watched a horrible movie at her place (my choice of movie was flawed) ad then I went on home.

My head is still all over the place. I feel like I should just repeat that over and over because that is all my mind seems able to do, repeat things over and over again. I'll be home most of tomorrow catching up on school work and trying to help out around the house. I have a shagload of chores to do I just haven't had any interest in doing the past week or so. I do need to run out and get food for my lizards and take care of one or two other things. I'm leaving to visit my mom in a few days. I'm not sure if I am excited or not. I don't really like being gone from my household for that many days in a row. I miss my kids and my housemates and I have pets that require attention but I like seeing my mom. It is probably good for me to get away for a while but I really don't want to. I wish my mom lived a bit closer. Then I could visit more often without it eating a week of my time.

There are so many things I want to say to so many people right now. The thoughts crowd the back of my teeth waiting for a chance to escape. So many things it feels like drowning while awake.

Gonna head to bed now. I believe my mood has fallen again. I should go to the doctor and get things checked but it requires too much energy and I just don't care enough to bother.
I'm going to get this post out because I'm in better control than this.

Today went fairly well. I missed my first period class by sleeping through my alarm. I'm buying two new ones this week. Three should wake me. Then I met up with Wyatt, Jesse, Jay, and Ethan and watched the guys lay Halo 3. The other besides Wyatt had to leave and then Shanti showed up and there was much Rock Bandness. Then we gamed. Game was mostly fun. The reason I say mostly is what brought up the topic at hand. Anger. Specifically my own. One of my friends said something which pissed me off, nothing huge and we have since resolved matters but this all got me to thinking.

How do you react to anger? Now I feel there are many different types of anger and each will get a different reaction out of me based on a few factors. Namely if the person was trying to piss me off, how much I like the person, whether or not this is a habit of theirs, and whether I feel I'm over-reacting. Generally if you piss me off I go quiet. Actually going quiet for me just means I have some strong reaction that I'm trying to figure out. That or sometimes if I'm tired but mostly the latter. It is my opinion that if I cannot control myself and my anger then I should not be handling the situation at present. This only holds true for anger caused by my friends and not always then. If you push me too far I will go off on you and it isn't exactly a pretty sight. Now this quiet isn't the passive-aggressive sort (which I fucking hate) at least I don't feel it is. I'm not doing this in some childish act of "I'm not talking to you lalalalala". I usually go quiet when I fear for my control and I don't feel blowing up at the person is warranted. If possible and depending on how badly you've managed to piss me off I will remove myself from the situation entirely. I will go somewhere and cool off. Hopefully I'll go find someone to make me laugh. If you can get me truly laughing and amused I'll seldom stay angry all that long. Later on, when I've gotten myself controlled and figured out why you angered me, I will come back either completely recovered having let the incident go or ready to have a conversation with you about what happened. I don't believe in holding things in and letting things pile up. If you are my friend then you probably want my life to be happy just like I want yours to be happy so you will probably want to talk things over. If you don't know what you did there isn't any way you or I can fix the situation so I believe in full disclosure. I might believe in mind readers but I don't expect my friends to be them.

It takes a lot to truly get me going though, at least I think it does. I try to be fairly laid back about the world. Shit happens and sometimes people piss you off. Hell if you are my friend I expect you to piss me off and for me to do the same to you. Relationships aren't about everything being perfect all the time for me. I expect some fireworks and enjoy them. I like people with backbones and strong opinions. No, I don't want you snapping at me all the time but it happens so don't worry about it. And yes I'm speaking to the individual I had a disagreement with earlier in the evening though this entire post is not aimed at them, this evening just happened to spark the thought. (You are such a prat too bad I love you anyways *snugs* ^_~)

Those are some my feelings on anger. I think it is a healthy emotion though like all things to be had only in moderation. I know I act angry frequently. Usually I'm just annoyed at the world or even more often faking it because it is an easy default for me to fall back on. You can only live angry for so many years before it becomes an easy place to fall back onto. That and I'm an arrogant bastard who thinks poorly of much of the world. Okay also a lie but yeah.


What does all of this have to do with regret? A great deal actually. A long time ago I read some article in a chick mag about how women are trained to say "I'm sorry" all the time and take the blame for things. This got me to thinking about myself and my life and lead me to one of my fundamental moral beliefs- I don't believe in regrets. I think that you should live life to the fullest and be happy with who and what you are. A life full of regrets is a life wasted. I may not be happy with every road I've taken but I stand by any and every decision I've made. Not because I'm a god (which I am but that is besides the point) but because I like the person I have become.

I don't know, maybe if I liked my life less I would believe in regrets but I just don't see what they gain you. So you fucked up, learn and move on. My life hasn't been some magical bed of roses, hell I doubt anyone's life has been but it was my life. I made my choices and I happened to be stupid lucky enough to end up here with my magnificent family surrounded by loving friends. But they were all my choices to make. If I look back on my life there are other roads I could have taken. Roads maybe easier that lead me somewhere else. Do i think I'm perfect? Hell no, but I don't think that regretting my life gets me anywhere better.

This leads me to the phrase "I'm Sorry". I don't use it very often which sounds really fucking horrible I know. It isn't that I'm perfect or that I don't think there is a place for it in this world. It is more that I try to live my life as honest as possible. This generally equals the fact that I'm just not going to say I'm sorry if I'm not. Since I don't really do the whole regret thing, which seems intrinsically part of being sorry, I seldom find a place where being sorry fits. I also think the phrase is so over used as to have no meaning anymore. It would be nice if there was another phrase like it for times when you feel someone's pain as your own but that doesn't sound as stupid as that. Like their dog died. I hate saying I'm sorry. I didn't kill the fucking dog. Unless I did and it was an accident then yes I would say I'm sorry. Sorry for accidents is fine. Sorry for being a purposeful dickhead is not fine. You did it on purpose own up to it. (And no I'm NOT speaking about the incident from earlier this evening stop being so paranoid you prat)

I guess this all boils down to owning up to your life. You fuck up guess what, sorry won't fix it. Clean up your mess and move on. Don't regret your life out of existence. Sometimes things suck, you grow, you change, and then you keep going. You get angry and lose control you fix your shit. I deal with this by not losing my head. I wish more people did. Maybe I could handle things better. Maybe I get angry when I shouldn't but I'm human and there isn't much I can do besides try and do better. I try and that is more then many people do. I may not succeed but when I'm old and making crude bukakke jokes out on my porch with Kae I'll know I did the best I could with my life. Fuck regrets, who needs um.

LOL this post has turned out completely opposite of where it was when I was composing it in the car. The anger part was supposed to be like two line and the regret part much longer. Oh well I think I got the gist of what I wanted down.
seorgia: (Fail)
( Nov. 15th, 2007 01:00 am)
So I finally sat down and wrote out my semester by semester plan for school. Oy I'm never going to be done *cries*.

Actually it looks like I'll be done in oh 2010. I officially feel depressed. I need to see if some of this can be done during the summer or winter sessions. *checks* Okay looks like the vast majority of the classes do have summer sessions. Now I just have to figure out summer session financial aid type things.

Hmm I see a project for my down time between classes on Friday. Academic Advising here I come!
seorgia: (Default)
( Oct. 30th, 2007 11:16 pm)
So today was pretty busy.

I woke up and Kt and I went and shopped. I spent too much money again but I got enough fabric (sale) to make myself some new tops and stuff. I haven't gone clothes shopping in a long time so this counts. I also got presents of fabric for Jayme, Rebel and Haiyata. I saw the vinyl they all like and I couldn't resist getting a couple yards of each since the price was so good. I'm a bad Seo.

Then I redyed my hair, made a new set of horns (purple and silver sparkly), and wandered out to go gaming.

Gaming was a lot of fun. Shanti has joined us as a dragon-blooded and our party is wandering around in a desert Wyatt and Matt cooked up. We spent most of the session bitching at each other. (IC) It was a huge amount of fun. Next week we are running vampire.

Oh and everyone liked my brownies which was the only really important thing today.

Then the NPC meeting happened. Can't wait for this weekend. The con is goin' to rock hardcore.

Because why should I inflict my depression on you? )
seorgia: (Fail)
( Oct. 10th, 2007 04:50 pm)
Why is it the boys I like are always either taken, to far away, or not interested?

The new GamerBoy is taken. It is so sad. Oh well he is cute and reasonable eye candy. I will enjoy him for what he is. Weird thing is he is like a nicer version of me, only taller. (God I wish I was taller) I guess I'm in a self-centered sort of mood.

School is otherwise going for crap. I got 9 out of 10 on my Microeconomics quiz yesterday. I don't believe I've turned in any homework for that class. I hate the teacher she is a crap teacher. She obviously understands the material very well but she is bad at explaining it all. I don't think I did as well on my mid-term today for the same class. Oh well. I just keep reminding myself that these aren't my end areas of study and if I can just struggle through this and my math course I will be okay. After this I only have Statistics to get through and then I'm done with math for my major. I hope the other teachers are better. All of my business course (math, micro, and financial accounting) classes have teachers that either understand the material to well to explain it properly or are boring. *sigh* This semester is not gong well for me at all. Well as far as my business classes are concerned. I'm doing well in both of my English classes. We discussed my poem in Creative Writing 2 for 45 mins. LOL That's about 3 times longer then anyone else. I write dense poetry. I think I'll throw up a version of it here. I need to work on the title. Right now it is called Baby Killer but I don't like it and it doesn't need such a punch-in-the-face title.

I hate math. I just plain hate it. I used to be good at it. Now every time I start a problem I feel like crying. School shouldn't make me cry, that's just not fair. I hate my teacher for being an obtuse bastard who doesn't explain what I need him to explain clearly. I hate that I can't get this when I know it is easy. I hate that I'm sure I'm just missing something tiny. Some small step that makes it all come together and that I can't express that to anyone in a way to get me help. Great and now I'm crying again. I can't even face math class today. I can't quit I need these stupid classes to be able to advance to the next stage in my degree. I will never ever need this crap again and it is going to stop me from advancing to something worth while. Why the hell do I need a portfolio for math class? I hate my teacher. I just plain hate him even on a professional level. As a human being he is very nice I just wish he'd make more sense or be able to help me.

Fuck this I'm going out.

Christ I wish I was anywhere but here.
seorgia: (Fail)
( Aug. 7th, 2007 07:52 am)
Yesterday sucked. Today will probably also be sucky.

I went for a job interview to the college yesterday. Didn't get the job but that isn't the real problem. I visited the residency lady yesterday to drop off my tax form and things did not go well. She says there is no way I can claim residency even though I have lived here for five years. Evidently it doesn't count that I have documentation up the wahzoo. If the documents aren't ones on her list they don't count. So I'm boned. Completely and utterly boned. The different between non-resident and resident tuition is 3,130 per semester. How am I supposed to come up with 6,200 dollars while carrying 16 credits? I just don't know. All I can do is try and stave off the panic which threatens to overwhelm. I'm looking into other options now. I tried calling my mother yesterday to get her advice but she didn't call me back. I'll call again and email her letting her know it is important. Otherwise, well i don't know what otherwise is going to be. I just don't know. I guess I'll have to find a full time job while doing school but that never works out for me. In fact it generally drives me mad and makes my grades go to hell. Is it worth going to school if I know I'll flunk my classes? I don't know what to do...

On another dire front the bugs have been tearing me to shreds. One arm is bitten so badly it looks like my skin is nothing so much as bright red and bumpy. I've got bites everywhere, my arms, my legs, my torso, even one over my eye. The truly horrible part is I'm damned allergic to mosquito bites. Generally, but not always, they swell up and become these large hard welts. I feel nothing so much as skinning myself alive. I think it might be worth it. I've doused myself with Benadryl gel but it is no longer working. I'm going to have to go buy some of the pills and take them. I try and avoid this because it knocks me out for a day to three days. I can get nothing done and I don't drive anywhere because it is too dangerous. I'm a bit over sensitive to the stuff but nothing can be done about it at this point. If we don't stock the pond with fish and kill off the bugs later this year I'm going to go kill myself. I can't live like this year after year. I just can stand the itching.
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