seorgia: (Silly: Bitch Please)
( Jul. 31st, 2008 02:53 am)
So I've been chatting over on a friend's journal who has been having real problems of late. Mostly we have hashed things out pretty well and if not agree exactly, we at least see the other person's opinion. Hell for the most part I don't have any problems with what my friend is saying. What I do have a problem with is sycophants. I cannot stand when people do this shit on journal entries.

Let me start off with saying there is nothing wrong with supporting your friends. Hell I rant and rave my damned self to friends and I don't want them to be honest right away. I want them to say "Awww honey are you okay." Then I want them to rant with me. BUT, and this is key, after that I want them to be honest and I want us to be able to discuss something beyond "X sucks ass you are so better then them." Hello welcome to sycophantic behavior. I have become increasingly annoyed by this behavior over my long years on LJ. Let me just make everyone feel better by telling you that no matter who you are and what your opinions are someone will be willing to play brown-nose nutt-licker for you. Trust me, I have seen some of the stupidest causes and people championed (and yes I'm thinking of one person in particular).

Just because you have people agreeing with you and sucking your extra huge imaginary LJ cock doesn't mean you are right or even literate. All it means is you have a bunch of people who instead of being real friends and saying the hard "Dude you were an asshole but I'm here to help you make it better" you get a bunch of idiots who will gladly cheer you on as you let your life because a pile of steaming camel shit. Yeah life fucking sucks, relationships fucking suck, and it is hard when a misunderstanding fucks your shit up but it takes more then one person to fuck up a relationship. And BTW don't get on your high horse about physical abuse and shit, let us not play hair-splitting semantics games because I will rape you so hard your grandchildren go "Ow". I'm not in the mood. Duh not talking about that sort of thing and I'll let you know when I am, Bubye now.

At this moment I want to go and start several fights on my friend's journal but I'm not going to because I have more class then that. It just makes me so mad to see these people who are supposed to be good friends playing these idiotic games. First off, if you don't know about the situation keep your fucking mouth shut beyond anything other then "Hey I'm sorry to hear you have troubles. I wish I could be of more help wanna talk in private?". Secondly, there are always three sides to a story, their side, your side and the truth. The sooner you learn that the better off you can be. Thirdly, if your friend did something stupid rewriting the past is in fact the opposite of helpful. In fact it is so beyond useless my ten-year old doesn't do it anymore so why should you a grown person be doing it? Yeah I don't think you should dwell on those mistakes but I also think you should own up to them or nothing from this point on will get accomplished. Word to the wise, telling someone you've hurt that they should just suck up and deal because "that's how we do it here in Texas" is not only so moronic I wouldn't be surprised if you drooled while speaking but certainly not going to help any relationships survive.

Anyhow I have seen too many arguments/posts inundated with these ass kissing nincompoops to even want to do anything beyond reach through the interwebs and fucking throttle those people. Here's a clue, you aren't being helpful. Go drown yourself and all your offspring so I don't have to do it. Thanks so much. Bubye.
seorgia: (Silly: Masturbation Killing Unicorns)
( Jul. 17th, 2008 05:23 am)
Matt comes home tonight and was discussing his work as per usual. It is all sorts of cool having a newsman in the family. Anyhow, he mentioned that the term 'homosexual' is no longer to be used in referring to those who favor their own gender. Now you are to use gay because homosexual has become a negative term.

Where the hell was I during all of this? When I was a teenager and coming out of the closet homosexual was the proper term and perfectly all right. Gay was used sometimes but had a few negative connotations so it wasn't always used. Plus gay could stand for either male or female homosexuals yet nowadays if I call a lesbian a gay people get weird. Why is homosexual a bad term? To me it is a descriptive, non-pejorative word that tells you exactly what to expect. In my crap Latin homo=same sexual=fucking obvious. Why is homosexual a not so good term? I figure after they get sick of the term gay they are going to go back to faggot or butt buddies. Oh wait we can't use butt buddies because then the fish snorters will get upset. How about the fish snorting butt buddies or would that be for a bisexual? Wait can I say bisexual anymore? Shit I don't think we have another term for bisexual. What about hetrosexual? If I call them straight isn't that being unfair to the gays because straight is kind of like saying normal. Should I call gay people crooked? Wait but that implies...

All I'm saying here folks is what George Carlin said a long time ago in a far more amusing fashion. Call a fucking spade a fucking spade and be done with it. Don't make up a new term for something that really doesn't need one.

Oh and african-american has also gone the way of the dodo. I guess it is okay to call people black now. 'Cause you know it is perfectly okay to describe somebody by the color of their skin... no wait what?!? God I'm getting too old for all this.
seorgia: (Seo: Boobs)
( Jun. 2nd, 2008 05:33 pm)
There is something to be said for just not caring anymore what people think of how you look. I have to say I have gotten to a point where I just don't care (on my good days) whether people I'm ugly or not. I care about what I think and I always take the opinions of my housemates into consideration (the pluses of living with two women is you always have an outfit opinion available) but beyond that I try not to let others thoughts on my body bother me. I am not by American standards particularly attractive in any way. I can freely admit to this and though it bothers me, it doesn't cause me to put my life on hold or hide myself away in one fashion or another. I find myself and my body, for the most part, attractive. I do not have problems finding dates though they are not usually the males or females I crave they aren't a slew of ugly or repellent people. I know where the problems I have with my body come from and I'm actively working on them. Will they get fixed this year? No probably not and even if they did something new will always come up. I think the best thing to be is happy within yourself regardless of all those other things. I can't always manage it but today I did and I'm happy I did.

What brought this little post on is I went shopping today for supplies for my trip and happened to wander into the bathing suit aisle. Now, as most women know, bathing suit shopping is one of the most stressful and annoying bits of clothing shopping you will ever have to do. Hell clothing shopping is just plain horrible if you do not fit a particular body type and size. Even within the larger sizes you just don't find certain things fitting right. I've yet to find a pair of jeans that is not too large in the waist that will still fit my butt. I'm a black/Italian mix. Clothes shopping is worse then going to war. I like killing people. I'm not so fond of staring at myself in a mirror after 6 pairs of jeans didn't fit right. But today I was in a good mood and low and behold the bathing suit aisle managed to have some very cute things. I purchased a two piece lack suit that has a long halter top so it mostly looks one piece, a very shorts, and the very best a couple of bikini bathing suit tops. Now the bikini tops I'll just wear to kick around the house or yard and maybe in my pool once I get it up. They are stupidly comfortable and thought they show my large belly they make my tits look fucking great.

So this little win goes out to all the women in my life. You are all wonderful and beautiful to me. May the good days out weight the bad and your jeans always fit.
seorgia: (Default)
( May. 7th, 2008 12:44 am)
ARGHHHHHHHH!

This is the sound of Seo screaming in terror and disgust.

I am on my bed, chatting with Sean (I'll get to that in a sec) when a fucking tick comes crawling over my computer and keyboard. EEEEGGGGGGGG! *girlie scream time*

*wiggles hands in a girlie fashion*

Ewwwwwyyyyy! Okay so now I have to figure out how to sleep in my bed. I just changed the sheets tonight too. BLEGHness! Why me?

All of the animals are getting more Frontline tomorrow. I'm just going to sit here and cry a while. I managed to get the tick out of my bed and onto the floor where I was able to squish it to death after a few tries. Ended up killing it with a cd case. Hehehe. EEEEEEEE icky!

*coughs* Okay back to being a hardass now. As I was saying I was chatting with Sean online during all this and he was having a rough time. One of his long distance friends broke up with her b/f or something and was crying to him online saying how see was going to kill herself blah blah blah. She was going on and on about how she had taken vodka and some pills and Sean was worried and wanted to know what he should do and if I thought this was real. My response was she probably wasn't going to kill herself but you can never be too careful. As such, I called campus police on her and told them the story and sent over the aim transcript. Maybe not the most pleasant thing to do but Homie don't play that. Suicide ain't a fucking joke. Not like that anyway. Though I'm probably the worst person to say that since I have said it before and meant it but let's not go into my crazy right now. Anyhow the cops are over there and hopefully the girl will get some help. And I'll take the hit for ratting on her instead of Sean.

You know this isn't the first time nor the the fiftieth when I've said I'll take the blame for someone else. Why do I do that? I should know better as people do take me up on that and I've gotten hurt over it. I'm not a superwoman. I'm just a Seo and that's all I know how to be. This time i doubt it will mean anything really. Some random girl I'm never going to meet is going to be mad at me, oh well. But recently it did and fuck. *sighs* Hello issues please go away right now. I'm rather busy trying to to burn my bed. Oh I guess that's your fault as well.


Oh damn I woke the birds up. Hmm I like their little chirps.
I'm reading transcripts of 60 minutes right now and a couple of them are fairly interesting.

I was reading about the poor cannibal guy who ate another man and that mad me a bit sad. Probably sad for the wrong reasons honestly. *chuckles* I just felt kind of bad that his greatest fantasy didn't work out so well and now he has lost something special we should all be able to keep. I understand his fantasy wasn't so workable but still it is rather sad. Let's not go into the legality of it because I'm not entirely sure I agree with the sentencing. The dude wanted to be eaten, the other dude wanted to do the eating *shrugs*. I guess I don't have too much of a problem with that kind of thing happening.

This brings me to the other interesting article I was reading that they had on 60 minutes. Evidently they had a couple of incest couples (one sister-brother and another father-daughter) which is now called Genetic Sexual Attraction if it is between grown-ups and such. I'm not saying I agree with this either. The thing that really amused me was the fact that these guys were caught and warned that if they ever had sex again they would go to jail for life. Excuse me how do you plan on enforcing this? "Oh look Bob that snatch has been used." *sirens* "Open up this is the Pussy Police. You are all under arrest for illegal parking.""Yeah!"* Good gods find something else to use tax payers money on please. In reality I think incest between consenting adults just does not bother me at all. As long as I'm not involved and everyone was an adult when things went down why the hell should I care? I'd prefer you not have kids because it really is hella bad for the gene pool but since we allow all sorts of fucked up people to bred I don't think that is a valid argument anymore. What you do in the privacy of your bedroom is just damned business. I might look at you a little funny but honestly how is that different from how I look at lots of people? I do think sending these people to jail for life is a little harsh. Jebus if you are worried so much about them having teh babieszor have them both get fixed and then Bob's your uncle. If you are worried about the religious aspects of it, um excuse me separation of church and state much (though the couples on the telly weren't Americans). If it is the moral outrage well I got nothing. Society is based, in part, on shared morals and while mine do not say that this is a sin so great as to require law or life imprisonment, enough peoples do. Funny even the shrink they had on the show discussing it had to say how disgusted and pissed off he was by it.

I guess I'm pretty weird for just not caring. It doesn't apply to my life. The only blood relative I have is my mom and EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW wait what's that fucking EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Even I, who don't care what these people do with their lives and have just made a point of saying so, have to make a point of mentioning that this thing isn't one of my things because the societies hatred of it is so intense. Huh nice.

I suppose I'll go to bed now.

*Can you catch the quote I mangled?
seorgia: (Cat: Purple Kitten)
( Apr. 19th, 2008 04:33 pm)
I am an animal lover. I adopt pets constantly. I would have more but my housemates would in fact kill me. I enjoy caring for them and watching them grow. I give to animal charities. I have volunteered before at shelters. This is what I do do with my time and money to help pets and animals around the world. I ran into an article today about animal abuse that just made me sick all over again.

I'm sure other people have already heard about it but I don't watch the news frequently. Down in Costa Rica some "artist" decided to display a sick and starving dog in a gallery and to let it die there while people watched. He has said many different things about why he did this. People have all reacted differently. Many people want to hurt him. Others applaud his ballsieness. Then there are those who say it was shameful but try and justify it. I'm not sure what camp I fall into honestly. I understand why someone might think this idea had merit. Some of why he said he did it makes sense. I agree we need to pay more attention to the starving and dying animals of this world, humans included. I just do not think this is the way to do it. If you wanted to show that dogs are starving on the street go take pictures. Do something that qualifies as art not torture. Sure that dog would probably have died on the streets. I agree with you there but to me there is a difference in an animal dying in a natural, though unfortunate way, and an animal dying for your amusement and fame because that is what this was about and why it gets to me. Yes, he may have in fact actually cared about the starving dogs. I'll let that one slide though I have my doubts. But if you really cared you wouldn't use something like this to illustrate your point. If you want something sensational that will get you noticed there are other ways that will probably work just as well. Hell stack up a pile of rotting dog carcasses if you want, I bet you people would have noticed that. This just seems unnecessarily cruel in some fashion. I wish I was more eloquent. I wish I could make people see that if you really want to change the world you shouldn't feed into the same horrible cycles.

Look I am a bad person. I want to do bad things all the time. I control myself because I understand social boundaries not because I think some things are wrong or because I don't want to do them. I know I'm wired badly and I compensate. If I did something like this I would not say it was because I was trying to raise awareness. I would not sugarcoat it. I do not believe that this man is really about making a difference. He may think he is, he may have at some point convinced himself he believes in that but he is like the shockjocks on the radio. He wants people to know his name and to speak of him in hushed tones. He wants the hatred and the abuse. He wants the attention and will do anything to get it. How else can you explain something like this if not for that? This is not about the animals and maybe it isn't about being a sickfuck but there is no way this is not about attention.

I just... I got nothing.

I see the world and it is horrible.

I see people doing horrible things all the time to people and animals and the world. Where am I going with this little post? I have no idea. Maybe nowhere, maybe everywhere. It just seems that somehow things shouldn't be this way and yet I know they are. I guess it boils down to this, I am crazy as hell and I can avoid doing fucked up things. Why can't other people who are supposedly saner and nicer then I? Why do people have to get outraged at something like this for it to not happen? Shouldn't there be something in people's heads that says "Oh wait bad idea"?

Anyhow I have chores to do. I want to do a bunch f stuff this weekend around the house since it will be mostly empty. Of course I intend to do most of it on Sunday and Monday as Saturday is my super lazy day.
seorgia: (Seo: Snowy)
( Apr. 10th, 2008 04:09 am)
Yes, I'm still awake. Yes, this means you get to read more insomnia induced ramblings. I'm sure you are all waiting with bated breath.

I've been thinking about loss and family frequently as of late. I've mentioned it enough here that I'm sure you've all noticed with even a cursory glance at this journal how much it has been on my mind. Ten Clan has been a large part of that reflection.

Quick background for those who are new to me and my journal (*waves*). Ten Clan refers to a particular set of cousins on my father's side of the family. I had a falling out with our clan head. No, this was not a cult. It was called a clan in much the way you might refer to a Japanese clan or a Scottish clan. Ten is a Japanese word for "the heavens above". Yes, I have some Japanese in my blood on my father's side.

Anyhow, I have been thinking about them a lot lately. I wonder if things hadn't gone all pear-shaped with Kinjou what they would think of my present family. I see the two families as something completely different really. The family I have now is more like a marriage. I live with people I'm not related to by blood, we don't plan on ever separating, and we are raising our children together as siblings. What more is a marriage if not that? Sure there is usually sex involved within a marriage and I'm not banging anyone here but if sex is necessary in a relationship for you to consider it valid, you aren't someone I want to talk to anyhow. That's how I explained my living situation to my conservative doctor mother and step-father. They are fairly accepting of it all but as usual worry about me being hurt. They worry about that all the time and it is hard for them to really grasp things since they are so very far away. I was so glad that they got to come out and finally meet my family last year. It was terribly nice to show off my housemates and my sprog to my mother. I talk to my mom about how things are here all the time. She always asks how people are and wants to be kept up-to-date on things. I wish she could visit more. It is nice to know that she likes everyone here and even if she doesn't necessarily understand fully what I'm doing that she supports my choice in life. She always asks questions about things and tries so hard to understand. I think she'll get there someday. She asked me recently what would I do if I was dating some boy and we decided to get married but he didn't want to stay here. I told her that obviously he wasn't the man for me and I'd have to let him go. She worries about things like this and I can't blame her but she has never judged me harshly. LOL I started this to ramble about Ten Clan and I start thinking about my mom. I should call her soon. I wonder if she would be a good person to point at the relatives who are worried about things here. She lives far away and has similar worries. Maybe together they could talk things out and see that everyone is worried about the same things and maybe it would help?

But back to Ten Clan. I would never have moved down here if Kinjou and I had not had irreconcilable differences. I would probably still be upstate with my family and things would be much the same as they were the entire time I lived upstate. It doesn't really make sense for me to wonder what they would have thought because it would have never come up. I suspect it would have been bad though. A large part of the reason we stopped talking to one another and I finally threw in the towel was me moving off on my own to do my own thing. I don't think he could really handle that or at least that was something I always felt. I remember I noticed the really big change when I went to move in with Ali and Cate. Things got so weird around the house warming and then it spiraled down from there. There were other problems as well. I felt he was a bit too emotionally abusive and manipulative and I think he was pissed and felt I was too distant. I'm not really sure actually what he felt. He wouldn't talk to me about it and I don't remember things very well from then. I have a strange survival mechanism with emotional trauma. It isn't at all conscious and I can't seem to control it but when I take a severe enough emotional hit I just forget huge chunks of time. Most of the period I spent upstate is gone. It is a bit freaky at times to stare at something or someone and know you should know who they are or where that item came from and you just don't remember. There is just a big blank.

It was Kinjou no longer speaking to me for over a year that finally made me give up and call it quits. That mixed with everything else I just couldn't take it anymore. The break was messy. I miss people who went one way while I went the other. Friends who sided with him, family who won't speak to me anymore. I still miss them all like something is broken inside of me. You move on but still it is like a shard of glass embedded in your body. You may not always feel it but move the wrong way and it cuts you all over again. I know in my heart that this is only temporary. Someday, not soon, maybe not even this lifetime, but someday I'll see my family again and things will be okay. I hold onto that thought when I think back on the few good times I can still remember from then. When a holiday rolls around that I remember being with them. I keep that hope close to me when I see a crow fly by and I remember Y's love for them and the stories we used to tell. We all of us used to love to research ancient legends and myths. How many times would we discuss a theory together sitting around in that cramped little house they had? Soon it will be warm here and we will barbecue outside just like I did with Ten Clan on that grill I found. How many times did I cook something special? How many birthday cakes did I make? How many dinners did I prepare? I stare at katana and armor online and remember H and K and training outside with J. I remember the twins lol all of the many sets of them and the late night talks with Kinjou and Arashi. Not all my memories are gone and I hold the ones I have left tight to my heart. When a festival rolls around I try to pass my knowledge onto my children and remember the others who should be there with me but aren't because sometimes that is just how things work out.

It seems funny really. There are people you feel so connected with that they seem to complete some part of you you may not have realized was only half complete. You think that because they complete you that things should automatically work out okay. You should be able to live with them and work with them because hey they are your family or friends or soulmate or soulfamily or you feel you knew them in a past life or hell they are just so close to you now you can't imagine life without them or what ever but it doesn't always work. Maybe it is your fault or maybe it is theirs or maybe (as I really believe) it is nobody's fault but the dice fate threw when she measured your threads. It sucks when you realize that this person/these people are not going to be with you for the rest of your life like you planned. It sucks even more if you have to act on that and do the breaking yourself. Sometimes that is all you can do. You tear yourself to pieces because to do otherwise is to give into something you cannot abide.

I'm a big believer in picking yourself up again once you have fallen. I have fallen many times in my past and I'm sure I will in my future. I believe you only really fail when you fall and don't get up again. Every time you hit the bottom it gets no easier to pick up and climb the hill again but do it you must. I worry about the family I have created here. If things go tits up and we all break up I can't even think of what I'll do. This is my family. These are the people who I have built my life around. Everyday I wake up in my home with my housemates laughing/talking and usually my children screaming about something. Everyday I wake up to that cacophony I smile because that's what a family is. No, we aren't normal or typical. Yes, we are amazingly weird and we don't hide it except for where we must but it is beautiful here. This place, these people, our numerous pets, the home we are building bookshelf by bookshelf is just so fucking beautiful I cannot understand how anyone could not see it. It makes me sad when people can't see how special we've made our lives. It makes me sad for them more then anything else. What must their life be like for them to scoff and gnash their teeth at wonder bordering on divine because it doesn't fit into what they consider a normal box. How uncomfortable and cold their lives must be. How many things do they miss because of it? I feel like crying for them, for their self-inflicted blindness not because I think they are horrible but because they will never see what I see and what I see is what has brought saints to tears.

I should stop rambling soon. I tend to go on and on when I talk about family. It is a topic close to my heart. My life has not been easy in regards to family and friends and keeping people. I have moved many times and lost many people and I'm sure I will lose others as I age but I have a family now I'm helping to build and protect. I can't think of anything more important I could do with my life then that. Maybe someday I'll cure cancer and I'll get all my awards and I'll put them up on a shelf, right next to the holiday ornament Jack made me last year and the picture Gwennie drew for me when I first moved in, next to the photo of Charlie and my snakes, which lives by the card Celia made me when I was sick, and the family photo we took last year in those much talked about black shirts because it is the only color we all own. I'll cure cancer or AIDS or something amazingly special but the most special thing will still be this family and by extension all my new relatives. Maybe they don't want me with my brash attitude and purple mohawk but I'm afraid they've got me. *chuckles* I wonder who got the better end of the deal ^_~

Night LJ, sleep well.
To die and part is a less evil; but to part and live, there, there is the torment. ~George Lansdowne

How do you say goodbye to someone? What special things do you need to say and what can you leave go? Goodbyes are the hardest thing in the world. To condense down all that feeling into a few simple words seems so impossible. There are times when you must do it, there is no other choice; but what do you say?

"I miss you. I'll always miss you." Are these good things? How do you write a goodbye? I think you put everything you are and ever have been on the page in as few words as possible. You lay it all out and you give everything because goodbyes can be forever. This is the last thing they will have of you. Goodbyes aren't always bad. I guess I like closure in my life a lot. Or maybe I just always have something more to say later. I just need to say goodbye that one last time because sometimes that's all there is left to do.

So I wrote my goodbye and now I'm sending it. I'm gonna miss people. I'm gonna miss um a lot but sometimes goodbye is okay. Not happy but okay.

Funny how the world boils down to okay. You wake up as a child and you think the world will be happy and ecstatic but it isn't. Happiness is a split second of wonderful and an hours of work.

LOL this isn't an emo post though I can see where it rather reads like one. I'm really okay right now. I'm sad but not broken just a bit sad. It is okay to be sad. So many people want to cover up when they are sad. We are a culture built upon the idea that you must be happy and if you aren't happy something is wrong and here is a little pill to fix it. Now I take some of those pills but they make the chemicals in my brain normal. I'm not happy all the time. I can be sad and hurt and depressed but to a normal level and that is okay. Right now I'm .... I'm good. I take pains to move my life forward over every bump and hurtle. I fall down and scrap my knees and as long as I pick myself up and keep going I count that as a win. I'm not going to end in first place but I don't care.

So yeah I'm okay. I'm sad and I'm really missing people in my life who have gone away or who are going away. Funny how many people come and go in you life over a period of time. I'm only 26 and there are so many holes where people used to be. I never stop missing them but it fades to the back of my head. I don't think you should stop missing people. If you are important to me you'll always be important to me and I'll always miss you even if you aren't around and can't be around.

So *raises glass* here's to the people I miss. Everyone who is gone from me, everyone I don't see much, everyone I see all the time but wish I could see more, everyone I've ever loved just a little bit. I hope your lives are good and happy because that's what we strive for everyday and that's what you should live for.
seorgia: (Seo: What Makes Me Real?)
( Mar. 29th, 2008 02:28 pm)
Oh look it is 2:30 and I'm just getting up. Thank you WoW for keeping me up later then I intended. I actually woke up much earlier for a while and just stayed in bed listening to the horrendously loud sounds of my children playing and romping through the house. I really quite missed them all. They were playing some game based on the chaotic deck I think.

Oh well, I had gotten less then 15 hours sleep for the past four days so it was good to crash for a while.

I feel rather odd right now. I wish my life was different in some ways. No, that's not true. I wish I didn't have to make some choices I know I needed to make. I want a fairy tale that doesn't exist; everyone wants that and making those horrible choices is part of being an adult. Making sure I stay sane as possible and working towards being a better person is important. That means sometimes I'm not happy with what I have to choose but I do it anyway. I wish knowing this made it easier like you get some magical instant grown up card that lets you rip out your guts and not feel it when you turn 18 but you don't get anything that wicked. When you are young it looks easy to be a grown-up. You see your parents making hard choices but you don't really see it. I watched my mother do things that amaze me as an adult today but as a child I was too self-centered to really see beyond what I wanted. You look at your parents and can't wait to be them. You can't wait to drive and drink and be free to do what ever you want but you aren't free and somehow that seems like the cruelest joke.

I miss my Clan. I mourn the choices I had to make to keep me sane. I know I am better off now then I would be had I stayed and let things continue to deteriorate but I still miss them. It was a family unlike the one I had now and it hurts still that they are gone. Not all of them are lost to me but if you have five brothers and two you no longer talk to do the remaining three make everything alright? Of course not but that is how it has to be at times. I miss my father. I wonder about him at times. Should I go find him? Should I let him die without ever talking to him again? What if I find him now and he destroys all the good memories I have of him as a child. How do I want to remember my father? As the man who taught me to fish, to defend myself, and to laugh at everything or the druggy I'm told he has become? I'm not sure and I know that clock is running out. I'm not even sure how to find him anymore.

Finally, I mourn the present choice I am making. It is one I do not make lightly and hate the doing of but I feel I must. I can't do what I did with Roger again. I can't have another year and a half of not knowing where I stand with a friend I'm close to, I'm just not strong enough anymore. I wish I wasn't this weak but it is no ones fault this time. The deeper I let you in the more solid I need the ground I stand on to be. I'm not good at sharing what I really feel. I'm not good at feeling things at all really. At times I've described myself as I functional sociopath and I mean it. Some behaviors I've just plain had to learn by rote, by watching people around me interact and mimicking them. It sounds like what everyone does but it isn't quite like that. Maybe my present choice reflects that most of all. I care about his feelings. I really do. I understand he needs time to deal with things and that him not wanting to talk is reasonable. Neither one of us did anything wrong to one another, though maybe I am, at present, doing something horrible. But the not knowing makes me insane. The not talking drives me crazy. All of it eats my attention and destroys my concentration. If I was a teenager and the worst I had to worry about was getting up and going to high school maybe I could do it but I doubt it. It tore me up then too but I just... well that's a different topic.

I don't want to be an adult. I want to scream and cry and throw a tantrum the likes of which Gwennie can barely imagine. I want to yell and cry and hit him and talk to him and shake the world to dust but I'm not going to. I'm going to be an adult and stay the present course. He needs time to deal with the changes in his life and I can't give it to him, not and have him as a part of my life. I wish I was stronger because he isn't asking much ad he deserves that time. I wish I wasn't so broken. But I'm none of those things and all I can do is try and be as sane, as healthy, as I can be for my family and for myself. That means saying goodbye to a friend I care about. Not because he is horrible or asking for something unimaginable but because I just can't deal with so much uncertainty.

I guess I'll go run my errands for the day. I should probably eat something since I didn't bother to yesterday.
seorgia: (Seo: Iron Chef Makai)
( Mar. 27th, 2008 02:21 am)
There are some days when I wish I had made different life choices. Not entirely, I'm exceedingly happy with my life and where it is at this moment. I would be happier if somethings changed but that's normal. But sometimes I look back and wish I had gone a different route. Not a regret so much as a pondering about where I would be. I love to watch surgery on the telly. I like seeing the changes in the human body. Sometimes I wish I hadn't been such a fuck-up in school. It would be interesting to have gone that route. This isn't some psycho urge to cut things up to watch them bleed (though um I have those too) but more an interest in the body and what it can become. Reading and watching surgery is fascinating. There used to be more on TV but it has faded over time. I'm not sure why exactly but the Health channel is now more properly know as the Let's-Pop-Out-Babies Channel. I wish I could find more just to watch and see how doctors handle different situations. If something goes wrong what do they do? Anyhow I wish I could find more RL doctor type things to watch without sounding like a complete weirdo.

Anyhow I'm a weirdo yay.

Oh and instead of coughing I am now honking mixed with the tense feeling of losing consciousness. Mmmm lack of oxygen to the brain. I <3 cough induced syncope. And my right clavicle hurts. Just the right, not the left. WTF mate?!?

Oh and I have to be at school tomorrow by 10 which means out of here by 9am. Why the hell am I awake still?
seorgia: (Dragon: Purple Dragon Yin-Yang)
( Mar. 10th, 2008 06:31 am)
Bad habits. Good habits. Habit habits. We all have habits. I have tons of them, some good, some bad but none get out of control. I was sitting here, debating whether I felt like getting up to indulge in one of my bad habits that I've been researching lately, when it hit me that I'm rather abnormal even in my bad habits. A few of the bad habits I have are kind of dangerous. They are the things that people go to shrinks for and get put on medications for and maybe I should worry about that but I don't. Not really anyway. I think about them and weight the use they have in my life and try very hard not to get addicted to them and I guess that is my one hard line. If you are addicted to something you no longer control your life, it controls you. People with addictions will destroy their lives and anyone else's life that is joined to theirs. I know this for a fact as my father is an alcoholic and I have heard he is now into harder drugs. I figure if I fuck my own body up that is my business but not if I drag other people down with me. I have habits, pastimes, hobbies but not addictions. I can't even tell you how I know the difference other then once you've seen an addiction you don't forget what it looks like or what it smells like. To be addicted is to be damned.

Why am I posting this? I haven't got a clue really. After wallowing in one of the worse depressions I've had in a good long time, maybe even years, I picked up one of my old habits to deal with it. I feel better now so it worked well enough. But I don't fit any of the profiles. Why is it I'm so fucked up that I can't even be fucked up like everyone else? I'm not sure I'm making any sense here. Hmmm need an example... okay like this. Generally if you cause damage to your body you hate yourself or something about you (that's what all the little psyche reviews say). I don't hate myself. I'm not perfect but neither is anyone else and I think I'm a damned cool person but I still like to damage myself. That can't be normal. Look at animals, generally if they are damaging themselves there is something significantly wrong with them. I like the pain though. I like the aches and the twinges later. I like the marks and the blood. I suppose it stems from the same part of my head that likes piercings, tattoos, and BDSM. Sensations are meant to be reveled in be they harsh or sexy. My profile says I'm a sybarite, I really wasn't kidding when I added that in there.

I'm not sure why I'm sharing these parts of my psyche other then I feel like sharing. I feel like baring parts of myself to the world in some strange ritualistic way but since I can't do that I'll write on LJ. Not much of a substitute but hey, use the tools you got. I'm not really religious enough to want to incorporate that into my life. Or maybe the religions I would do it with just aren't around anymore.

I wish sometimes that my world wouldn't shift quite so much and so drastically. Being someone who tends to bring chaos and change into peoples lives I shouldn't exactly be surprised by the changes or bothered by them. You'd think I'd get used to it but I never do. Oh god I'm starting to sound like one of those damned cryptic fucking kitsune. Someone shoot me now!

It is 7 in the morning and I have not slept all night. Damnit my day is fucked. Mika is asleep on my legs and is soon going to be kicked off. I need to get a job or a lover or maybe both. I'm spending far to much time thinking.

Good night... irr morning LJ ^_^
I'm going to get this post out because I'm in better control than this.

Today went fairly well. I missed my first period class by sleeping through my alarm. I'm buying two new ones this week. Three should wake me. Then I met up with Wyatt, Jesse, Jay, and Ethan and watched the guys lay Halo 3. The other besides Wyatt had to leave and then Shanti showed up and there was much Rock Bandness. Then we gamed. Game was mostly fun. The reason I say mostly is what brought up the topic at hand. Anger. Specifically my own. One of my friends said something which pissed me off, nothing huge and we have since resolved matters but this all got me to thinking.

How do you react to anger? Now I feel there are many different types of anger and each will get a different reaction out of me based on a few factors. Namely if the person was trying to piss me off, how much I like the person, whether or not this is a habit of theirs, and whether I feel I'm over-reacting. Generally if you piss me off I go quiet. Actually going quiet for me just means I have some strong reaction that I'm trying to figure out. That or sometimes if I'm tired but mostly the latter. It is my opinion that if I cannot control myself and my anger then I should not be handling the situation at present. This only holds true for anger caused by my friends and not always then. If you push me too far I will go off on you and it isn't exactly a pretty sight. Now this quiet isn't the passive-aggressive sort (which I fucking hate) at least I don't feel it is. I'm not doing this in some childish act of "I'm not talking to you lalalalala". I usually go quiet when I fear for my control and I don't feel blowing up at the person is warranted. If possible and depending on how badly you've managed to piss me off I will remove myself from the situation entirely. I will go somewhere and cool off. Hopefully I'll go find someone to make me laugh. If you can get me truly laughing and amused I'll seldom stay angry all that long. Later on, when I've gotten myself controlled and figured out why you angered me, I will come back either completely recovered having let the incident go or ready to have a conversation with you about what happened. I don't believe in holding things in and letting things pile up. If you are my friend then you probably want my life to be happy just like I want yours to be happy so you will probably want to talk things over. If you don't know what you did there isn't any way you or I can fix the situation so I believe in full disclosure. I might believe in mind readers but I don't expect my friends to be them.

It takes a lot to truly get me going though, at least I think it does. I try to be fairly laid back about the world. Shit happens and sometimes people piss you off. Hell if you are my friend I expect you to piss me off and for me to do the same to you. Relationships aren't about everything being perfect all the time for me. I expect some fireworks and enjoy them. I like people with backbones and strong opinions. No, I don't want you snapping at me all the time but it happens so don't worry about it. And yes I'm speaking to the individual I had a disagreement with earlier in the evening though this entire post is not aimed at them, this evening just happened to spark the thought. (You are such a prat too bad I love you anyways *snugs* ^_~)

Those are some my feelings on anger. I think it is a healthy emotion though like all things to be had only in moderation. I know I act angry frequently. Usually I'm just annoyed at the world or even more often faking it because it is an easy default for me to fall back on. You can only live angry for so many years before it becomes an easy place to fall back onto. That and I'm an arrogant bastard who thinks poorly of much of the world. Okay also a lie but yeah.


What does all of this have to do with regret? A great deal actually. A long time ago I read some article in a chick mag about how women are trained to say "I'm sorry" all the time and take the blame for things. This got me to thinking about myself and my life and lead me to one of my fundamental moral beliefs- I don't believe in regrets. I think that you should live life to the fullest and be happy with who and what you are. A life full of regrets is a life wasted. I may not be happy with every road I've taken but I stand by any and every decision I've made. Not because I'm a god (which I am but that is besides the point) but because I like the person I have become.

I don't know, maybe if I liked my life less I would believe in regrets but I just don't see what they gain you. So you fucked up, learn and move on. My life hasn't been some magical bed of roses, hell I doubt anyone's life has been but it was my life. I made my choices and I happened to be stupid lucky enough to end up here with my magnificent family surrounded by loving friends. But they were all my choices to make. If I look back on my life there are other roads I could have taken. Roads maybe easier that lead me somewhere else. Do i think I'm perfect? Hell no, but I don't think that regretting my life gets me anywhere better.

This leads me to the phrase "I'm Sorry". I don't use it very often which sounds really fucking horrible I know. It isn't that I'm perfect or that I don't think there is a place for it in this world. It is more that I try to live my life as honest as possible. This generally equals the fact that I'm just not going to say I'm sorry if I'm not. Since I don't really do the whole regret thing, which seems intrinsically part of being sorry, I seldom find a place where being sorry fits. I also think the phrase is so over used as to have no meaning anymore. It would be nice if there was another phrase like it for times when you feel someone's pain as your own but that doesn't sound as stupid as that. Like their dog died. I hate saying I'm sorry. I didn't kill the fucking dog. Unless I did and it was an accident then yes I would say I'm sorry. Sorry for accidents is fine. Sorry for being a purposeful dickhead is not fine. You did it on purpose own up to it. (And no I'm NOT speaking about the incident from earlier this evening stop being so paranoid you prat)

I guess this all boils down to owning up to your life. You fuck up guess what, sorry won't fix it. Clean up your mess and move on. Don't regret your life out of existence. Sometimes things suck, you grow, you change, and then you keep going. You get angry and lose control you fix your shit. I deal with this by not losing my head. I wish more people did. Maybe I could handle things better. Maybe I get angry when I shouldn't but I'm human and there isn't much I can do besides try and do better. I try and that is more then many people do. I may not succeed but when I'm old and making crude bukakke jokes out on my porch with Kae I'll know I did the best I could with my life. Fuck regrets, who needs um.

LOL this post has turned out completely opposite of where it was when I was composing it in the car. The anger part was supposed to be like two line and the regret part much longer. Oh well I think I got the gist of what I wanted down.
So tonight was really fun. I spent an obscene amount of time chatting with a friend on aim and it was delicious. And it got me to thinking about things. Things like what makes you who you are? What makes you decide which face you will show the world?

I'm not sure I have any answers anymore. But then again maybe I haven't found the right questions. I decided a long time ago to stop hiding a large portion of who I am from the world. Like everyone there are things I keep private. I am probably one of the most private people I know. Oh sure I'll tell you my opinions on things. I don't consider opinions anything I should bother keeping private but my inner thoughts? Almost no one gets to hear those and if you are one of the few I do let in consider yourself privileged. Wow that sounds horrible and I can't think of any other way to put it because I do think of it sort of as an honor. Not because I believe my inner thoughts are all sorts of super cool or anything but because it means you have managed to win my trust and I have real big trust issues.

But back to the subject on hand what do you show to the world and what does it mean to you? I generally show the world a very exuberant face. I'm loud, opinionated, and very much in your face. I step on peoples toes and I don't always say I'm sorry. I also try to be unfailingly polite to random people. Oh if you're rude to me I'll be rude right back at you but that isn't my first thought. My first thought is seldom that I want to be mean to someone. I may want to slaughter them but I don't want to make them cry. *blinks* Well that just looks plain psycho but what ever. Over the years during some of the darker times that's all I'd show the world and I guess people got used to it and forgot that, as I put it to one friend, I'm not really an asshole. I can be serious and most of the time something serious is going on in my head. Over the past year or so I have made a concerted effort to try and remind people that I am in fact a serious person. Yes, I joke around a lot. I love to laugh and have fun but I also can calm down and talk business when needed. I can run rituals and speak on a number of subjects intelligently. Just because I told you a joke so dirty you need mental floss doesn't mean I'm stupid.

What does it mean to be who you are? Can anyone say for certain they even know themselves? I spend a good deal of time with my mind turned internally. I like to think about things and what I think about them. I think everyone should be able to look at their actions as dispassionately as possible and get down to what's really bothering them. If I'm in a bad mood or something happens and I can't explain why it got to me, I pick at it and pick at it until I've figured it out as much as possible. I have found that my life is much happier now then it ever has been before. I have found self-confidence to be a wonderful drug. Of course, I come by mine in a really weird fashion. It took me a while but I am happy here. I'm not happy with my life entirely. I'd love to lose some weight, pick up a girlfriend or boyfriend or both, and to finish off my schooling but those things will happen with time. I'm not overly worried about them. But this kind of thing I'm not sure how to tell people. I want everyone to be okay with who they are - the good and the bad. We are all people. We all like and love and hate different things and that is okay. I want to make my friends journeys shorter then mine was. I don't want them to have to go through the pain and heartache I went through. I don't want them to be broken like I am. But none of these things are possible. Without the pain I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be as strong as I know I am. I wouldn't be able to take the damage I know I can take and keep going. I certainly don't want the damage and I don't care for emotional angst. I might like to be flogged and spanked but I certainly don't want to go through pointless emotional turmoil. Been there, done that, got the scars to prove it. Some emotional turmoil is inevitable and necessary but not all of it.

Where does that leave me? I'm not sure. I was born a wanderer. I wander through life living and learning and enjoying what it has to offer. I don't think I'm going to move around anymore so I guess I'll just have to wander over emotional landscapes instead.

So here's to the journey. Remember it is the journey not the destination that is your true prize.
seorgia: (Murasaki Pony)
( May. 17th, 2007 04:06 am)
So it is four, nearly five, in the morning and I, of course, cannot sleep for a variety of reasons. So instead I've decided to finally get around to writing some of the harder posts I've been tossing around in my head. Feel free to skip this one mostly I'm blathering on about my past, my life views, and my headspace. Nothing terribly interesting.


So as most of you know (or will now) I read slash. Actually I read more then slash but slash (boy on boy lovin') is where this little story starts. The snarry games are on right now (that's Snape/Harry for those of you less perverse then myself) and so far they have been kick ass if you go for that kind of thing and guess what - I do. Now my perversions aside I was upset to wander over there today and find out that there was a small, well-controlled, shit fit going on. Seems some people got there panties in a twist about a few of the stories.

Now I know what you are thinking "Well Seo of course they are pissed off! Hello Snape and Harry is fucking gross!" No fair reader that is not why the got pissy. No they got pissy because one author wrote a story about gypsies where she clearly stated it was all for fun and she knew nothing about them and got some gross inaccuracies in the story. I wold just like to say HELLO she said she didn't know anything about the culture. Hellllllloooo is anyone listening?? Good god people get a damned life. The other author used the word squaw like once in the story as far as I can tell and once again had some stereotypical Indian things happen in her story. Am I the only one who did not know that squaw was really fucking offensive. Some are saying as offensive as the word nigger (and fuck you all the word is NIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGERR not the fucking n-word). Honestly, how can a word be offensive as the word nigger if no one knows that? A word is not offensive if the person you are trying to offend doesn't know they should be offended. At that point you just get stared at. I guarantee if I walk outside and call the nearest person squaw they will just stare at me. Where as if I instead went and called them a nigger, regardless of skin color, they will be fucking pissed.

Now on to the bigger picture. This is porn. Gay, man on hot sweaty man, porn. Slash is fucking porn. It may be good porn (and a lot of it is). It may have a plot, lots of character development, and some really cool ideas but when it all boils down slash is porn. Now I like my porn and I could name a few high selling authors that only write porn now *coughlaurellkhamitoncough* but I do not go looking in my porn for the answer to all life as we know it. Now people are being very polite over on the list but damnit I am annoyed anyway. Porn should not be complex and I certainly should not have to wander into a damned argument over whether the term SQUAW if fucking PC or not. Who cares? It is a fucking slash story written for fun and entertainment. Now these poor authors feel like real crap and I don't think they should. It was an honest mistake. I don't get pissed off when I see stereotypical depictions of Japanese or blacks or Italians in slash fic (of which there are a lot of the Italian in Snape fics) because it is fucking fanfiction. It is entertainment. It is NOT meant to be the guiding light in my life, nor should it be. These authors are writing fanfics based on their imaginations and in their free time for us the NON-PAYING LJ consumer. It would behoove you all the stuff a sock in it. If it had been my work I would have told you to do just that and not changed a thing because you have, in fact, over stepped the bounds of propriety for a reader. I understand how you could be offended but send the author a private note next time. Or better yet realize that stereotypes are all based on something. The sooner we admit that there is a reason "niggers" are stereotyped as lazy fuckers, with no jobs, or hopes is the sooner we can get to work on the real problems faced by those of the chocolate skin. Because trust me when I tell you, as someone who has been called a nigger before, it isn't the word that hurts it is the fact that it might be true.

Good god I hate this shit. This abhorrent idiocy is why I try to say the word nigger everyday and why I collect pejorative words. People need to grow up and move on. You wanna stop the "bad words"? Then fucking forget they exist, ignore them, destroy their power by making them nothing more or less then another sound coming out of your body. *sigh* But on the other hand I understand how this doesn't always work. I understand how some words must be used with caution and you can be damned sure if I heard one of the kids saying the word nigger they would get a serious talking to. Why? Because unlike me, a grown adult, they don't understand the fine shades of gray we live our lives by. They don't know where that word comes from and what it can mean; until they do they don't have the right to use it. Just like they don't have the right to use any word they don't understand because they will sound like fucking morons, and I'm not in the business of helping to raise moronic children. But here I am playing right into the hands of those who wish to control language (because that's what PCism is - a form of control). I should encourage the kids to say words like nigger and fuck. I should make sure they do because then they'll just be random sounds right? It doesn't really work that way, though I wish it did.

All this annoyed little post boils down to is this: life is about living and having fun. Read and live and enjoy life don't pick it apart! Sometimes stories aren't nice or pretty. Sometimes authors are human and can say stupid shit without realizing they had offend people. Sometimes it's better to write people in private because by doing it publicly you add gasoline to the flames. Because trust me in this, you have just added to the problem. Squaw is now one step further away from being just another word. Every person who reads this and every person who reads what you wrote and knows that it is not just another word is another person lost. Awareness is all well and good for a rare disease, but not so well and good for a rare cussword. I would be happy if in 100 years my children's children's children were calling each other nigger and it meant absolutely nothing. Well okay only half-happy. I'd be happy if they understood why all forms of bigotry are supremely stupid and used it because nigger became what it is - just another word.
seorgia: (Moon Kitty)
( Jan. 22nd, 2007 01:22 am)
I'm not one for talking about the softer emotions in my head. It isn't something that is unique to livejournal either. Even if i know you in person the chances are we haven't ever talked about any gooey emotions and if we have, it hasn't been frequent. It isn't that I don't have the same gooey emotions as others. I just grew up in such a fashion where I stopped expressing them. There are reasons for that but I will not go into them on an open forum because it isn't polite. The reason I'm bringing this to the forefront is because that what I want to do right now. The talking about gooey things.

Feel free to skip this post.

Cut just because )
.

Profile

seorgia: (Default)
Seorgia

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Powered by Dreamwidth Studios

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags